Well, well, well. Looks like you can teach old, press-hungry, reality has-been, self-unaware, partner-hopping dogs new tricks.
Or at least teach them to hire a better spin doctor.
In an exclusive statement to E! News, Jon Gosselin has apologized for, well, everything he's put the media-watching public through over the past few months. And that includes new promises to Kate Gosselin and their plus 8.
His epiphany came after bogus reports surfaced yesterday linking him to a reality project with the other Octomom.
"I am troubled to learn that the media has accepted as true the scurrilous rumor that I would appear in a reality television program with Nadya Suleman. This is utterly false. I do however accept that some of my previous actions have in some way lent credence to such outrageous stories."
He continues: "I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values.
"I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame. It is for this reason that I have endeavored of late to reconnect with my deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self with regular study sessions and counseling."
Gosselin says he will seek enlightenment with Rabbi Michael Shmuley, frequent Oprah couch-sitter and recent Michael Jackson secret-spiller, praising Shmuley's "morality-centered-and-values-based advice, coupled with his profound commitment to fatherhood and family."
"I have always endeavored to be a loving father and a devoted parent who serves as a moral exemplar to his eight children…My father was my inspiration and moral compass. I intend to serve the same role for my own children by taking responsibility for my errors and making right any pain I have caused to those I love."
Music, no doubt, to Kate's ears. Jon vows to back up his words by participating in a forum at New York's West Side Synagogue this Sunday, where he will "publicly apologize in a sacred place to those whom I have hurt."
"I wish for the public to know my regret at having, at times, betrayed the moral principles that have always guided me. This forum will also allow me to illustrate the further steps I am determined to take to regain the trust and confidence of loved ones as well as the public who have watched me over the years, together with Kate, raise our eight beautiful children."
And make no mistake, Jon knows the world will be watching.
"I could tell you that these steps are absolutely sincere and not intended for public consumption. But I know that ultimately I will be judged not by my words but my actions."
So world, get ready for the new and improved Jon Gosselin.
"It is my sincere desire to use the fame I have so unexpectedly acquired to highlight mature, responsible behavior as well as the joys of fatherhood and family. I ask the public to please understand the challenges I face in living under constant public scrutiny, even as I am aware that I have at times courted that scrutiny.
"I am committed to making things right with Kate and especially my children. I ask you to please give me the opportunity to prove myself."
Kate won't know what hit her.
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