Six Easy Ways to Make Jon Gosselin Go Away

When will the trashy nobody in the Ed Hardy tiger-print jeans just disappear? Here are a few scenarios

When will Jon Gosselin be old news? I'm so tired of him.
—Vp, via Twitter

Now, now. No need to step on Jon Gosselin, alone like he is. He has only 14 or 15 twentysomething girls hanging on him at any given moment, and most of them can't possibly understand the exhaustion that comes with issuing all those salvos against his soon-to-be ex.

Assuming it's really what you want, there are about six things Gosselin could do to get us gossips to stop writing about him:

I turned to Robert Galinsky, who runs a real live school for would-be reality stars. He earns actual cash for teaching people how to be interesting to reality-show audiences, and it's not much of a stretch to figure out how those techniques could be applied in reverse.

His tips for Jon include:

1. Lying more. Yes, really. Jon should come out and say Kate is the best thing that ever happened to him. "If he starts lying in a preposterous way, people will eventually tune him out like white noise." Case in point, Galinsky says: Crayzee, onetime contender on Flavor of Love. "She lost in part because she kept lying, and people stopped paying attention."

2. Ceasing to dress like a meth dealer at a Lebanese disco. When it comes to bloggers like Jessica Morgan from Go Fug Yourself, Gosselin's Ed Hardy wardrobe has not been his friend. "If he were to dress like a normal person," Morgan tells me, "people would stop paying attention."

3. Eliminating conflict. Arguing is the cornerstone of reality stardom—and gossip media. Eliminate it, and the magic vanishes for viewers. "If he decided to show his children a decent role model for handling conflict, and he was nice to his ex, no one would care," says Morgan, who has tweeted about Gosselin quite a bit.

4. Going off the air permanently. Remember Jerri from Survivor? Exactly.

5. Getting an endorsement gig. This may not make much sense at first, but hear Galinsky out. "He's a reality star, he's supposed to be authentic," Galinsky explains. "Once he becomes a spokesperson he becomes corporatized, a hired hand." Case in point: Omarosa, a former contestant on The Apprentice. "Once she corporatized and packaged herself, we didn't see her in these spontaneous situations anymore. Once that happens, you're marginalized, and all you can get is speaking gigs."

6. And finally: Very simple. Jon, stop doing stuff.