This isn't exactly the best week to come out with a tell-all. There's just no way to compete with Mackenzie Phillips' dramabomb, but Dustin "Screech Powers" Diamond does his best.
And honestly, even if there wasn't some '70s actress talking about her incestuous affair with her father all over the place, Diamond's Saved by the Bell tell-all, Behind the Bell, would still be a pretty big fail.
Turns out the eternal Bayside High nerd was quite the outcast offscreen, too. In the Us Weekly preview of the book, Diamond speculates about a lot of things he thinks happened but never witnessed because no one wanted him around.
- "I could smell a certain 'smoke' wafting from the crack" of his fellow castmates' dressing rooms.
- He accuses Mark-Paul Gosselaar (dreamy Zack Morris) of using steroids. "He suddenly exploded with manliness, loading 25 pounds of muscle on his once-scrawny frame in, oh, about a month."
- Sometimes Tiffani Thiessen hung out in Mario Lopez's dressing room and other times Elizabeth Berkley would hand out in Gosselaar's room. The only one not hanging out was Screech.
- Mario Lopez liked to hit on ladies.
- This one time Tiffani had to wear a bathing suit for the show and she would walk "around with her hands casually shielding her ass." So producers were like, "No more junk food on set," and then Diamond didn't have anything to snack on. It was rough.
- Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle, "all of the sudden, she didn't want to be near men." Diamond took that to mean she was in an abusive relationship. He has no idea if this is true, though.
- Also, Diamond would like to add Fred Savage is "a douche nozzle"; Neil Patrick Harris "was an a--hole"; Tori Spelling had "negative [size] boobs"; Denise Richards was "just another notch on Mario's bedpost."
And that is seriously all the juicy stuff he's got—a bunch of name-calling and speculation based on all these times he wasn't allowed to hang out. Pretty petty and pathetic, but we should have seen this coming.
Let's bring this back to modern times and admire Shia LaBeouf's dreaminess in our Big Pic gallery.