Someone has clearly been in sitcoms too long: Give him a half-hour (minus commercial breaks) and there's no problem Chuck Sheen can't solve.
The Two and a Half Men star has loosed upon the Internet "Twenty Minutes with the President," an incredible piece of fantasy journalism (or a failed treatment from his dad's West Wing days, we can't be sure) imagining a meeting between himself and President Barack Obama in which Charlie Sheen schools the ruler of the free world about the government's real role in the Sept. 11 attacks—as perceived, that is, by the actor's conspiracy theorist mind.
The very lengthy, very researched and very self-aggrandizing piece (it only takes four lines before Sheen has Obama proclaiming his love of the CBS hit) was published as a transcript of the duo's entirely fabricated encounter—and published online by controversial radio host Alex Jones yesterday. Even more controversially, when the piece first went up, Jones presented it as actually having happened.
Though you'd think it would be easy enough to set up, what with a president in the family and all.
As for the piece, well, if there's one thing Sheen does know it's how to set a dramatic scene:
"I requested 30 minutes given the scope and detail of my inquiry; they said I could have 20. Twenty minutes, 1200 seconds, not a lot of time to question the President about one of the most important events in our nation's history. The following is a transcript of our remarkable discussion."
After exchanging pleasantries about how Obama has Sheen's sitcom "TiVo'd on Air Force One" and fake quips that he's "all ears. Or so I've been told," the Jack Bauer wannabe cuts right to the chase: As an unabashed Truther, Sheen proceeds to interrogate the president on the 9/11 Commission Report and proclaim that the government was actually behind the devastating events of the day and its subsequent alleged cover-up.
"Let's be honest," Sheen says. "You're the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, the buck stops with you. 9/11 has been the pretext for the systematic dismantling of our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Your administration is reading from the same playbook that the Bush administration foisted on America through documented secrecy and deception."
And on and on it goes...
Still, the bizarre piece, published in advance of Sheen's two-day appearance on Jones' radio show, while dense with regurgitated conspiracy theories, was not without its lighter moments. Albeit unintentionally.
Take, for instance, the stage direction inserted during a particularly tense discussion: "An odd moment of silence between us. Precious time ticking away."
Or Obama's incredulous response to being grilled by a man who once provided Heidi Fleiss with her main source of income: "Call me crazy, but it appears as though you've blindly wandered off topic." (The Truther most definitely is out there.)
Or even the following interaction:
Obama: I see you came prepared Charlie.
Sheen: No other way to show up Mr. President. When in doubt over prepare I always say.
Obama: Now you sound like the First Lady.
Sheen: That's quite a compliment sir.
Obama: As you wish. Please continue.
Sheen's "transcript," crafted with the intent to get Obama to reopen the investigation into the terror attacks and accept an actual meeting with the actor, ends with him again being flattered by the president (a clear theme) and asking him to "make sure your [sic] on the right side of history."
"Well Charlie I can't say this hasn't been interesting," Obama fake-tells Sheen. That's one word for it.
"As I said earlier, you've showed up today focused and organized. Regardless how I feel about the material you've presented, I must commend your dedication and zeal. However, our time here is up."
And not a moment too soon.
Not all celebs have to pen conspiratorial fake interviews to get close to the president. See who partied it up with the commander in chief in our Barack Stars: Inaugurating Obama gallery.