Understood: Eric Dane, wife Rebecca Gayheart and Celebrity Rehab's Kari Ann Peniche starred in a nude tape, not a sex tape. And doubly understood: It's infuriating, maddening, maybe even embarrassing to have the univited world let in on your private Tuff Hedeman moment.
But, c'mon, punky! Turn that frown upside down, and, assuming you're still positioned correctly, look on the bright side: A leaked sex tape isn't only not the worst thing that can happen to a celebrity, it's the absolute best thing! (Nude tapes, granted, not so much. But don't mind that now. We're making a point here.)
For starters, starring in a sex tape is like starring in the biggest hit movie of your career—especially if the closest you've come to starring in a hit movie is never!
"Look no further than Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian," Steve Javors, editor-in-chief of the adult-industry trade magazine XBIZ Premiere, told us in an email. "Sex tapes have been proven to provide a significant career boost."
And that's because sex tapes are, in Hollywood-speak, four-quadrant movies (think old Star Wars or new Star Trek), albeit with bad lighting, worse dialogue and Tommy Lee. Said Javors: "In a culture that deifies celebrities to some degree, watching your favorite celeb in flagrante delicto is appealing across the board."
Now, if the only fringe benefits of starring in a sex tape were fame, wealth and club comps beyond your wildest imagining, we can see how you might demure. After all, what about your art? What about your soul?
Glad you asked.
Sex tapes, for one thing, are up to their eyeballs and other body parts in art! Did you ever see that painting on the wall in the Kardashian-Ray J effort?
Now, about your soul: The sex tape has that totally covered, too!
"There are many, many benefits," Sex Drive Radio's Ava Cadell assured us. "You're living out a fantasy together. You're expanding your sexual horizons. You're adding playfulness...It just opens a whole avenue of escape."
Cadell, in fact, more than loves the idea of the sex tape: "I suggest it to my clients," she said.
Now, we'll be honest, we did have a moment of doubt about the joy of sex tapes. What if you made one, played it back, and went "Ew?" Couldn't that be a huge psychic, if not physical, turnoff?
Sure. But remember: If you're a celebrity, and you're not Screech, then you are way better looking than the average joe. You are not going to watch your footage and say "Ew." Said Cadell: "They're gonna look at it and say, 'I am hot!'"
So, c'mon, Eric Dane, lighten up! Be mad that somebody stole your stuff, but don't be mad that everybody got to watch your stuff.
And if it makes you feel better, nude tapes don't have the same caché as sex tapes.
"It's basically the male equivalent of a nipple slip," Javors said. "In this case, seeing Dr. McSteamy having sex is just a bunch of hot air."