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    One Sneaky, Sell-Out Blind Vice

    Blind Vice

    Last time we heard from evil and conniving Shafterella Shoshstein, that bitch was checking out on her man, who was so famously checking out on her. Only nobody knew about the former, crafty thing she is.

    Now, S.S. has moved on more openly—and how. Ms. S-squared has all the tabloid world thinking she's just dreamy and perfectly content with her new man, only nothing could be further from the truth.

    What is the real deal with Shafterella, you ask? Well, not only does it not always involve the classiest kinds of guys (think real Crawley McNugget material here), but wouldn't you know it, S.S. also likes to have over supercurvy and very...

    ...femme babes to her Beverly Hills pad whenever she can.

    You know, for tennis and myriad other athletic activities that involve sweaty thighs and skirts as short as possible. All the while, the lemming-like readers so faithful to ass-kissing People and similar rags, think Shafterella's all happy-butt with her dreamy man.

    Like I said: That's hardly accurate, as S.S.'s man is much more content shacking up with his dude, anybody confused yet?

    Oh, don't you know, it's just another day and story in the annals of fake-romance Hollywood, where publicists and agents (seriously, no joke) are still putting together these ersatz romances like it's the damn '50s. All so their clients can supposedly make bigger paychecks—and therefore, these 10 percenters do, too.

    Everybody wins in the end, right?

    Wrong. What about when these faker-jokers have kids? What then? It's one thing for Shafty and her dumb-crap gay BF to sell themselves out, but what, for instance, happens if Shafty and her partner do get married and have kids, what do you tell them?

    Shafty? Superpastel tennis hair band got your tongue?

    It Ain't: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Venus Williams, Demi Moore