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    Bitch-Back! Should Megan Fox Shut Her Mouth?

    Megan Fox James Devaney/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    I think everyone can recognize that Megan Fox is beautiful, including Megan herself. What I can't figure out is why she doesn't realize that her physical appearance is her strongest attribute? Why does she feel the need to speak, ever? I read that she felt that the education she got in the past was irrelevant. My thought was, "We can tell! It's obvious you have zero education and even less class." Am I the only one who finds this ironic? Does she do it on purpose to keep herself in the limelight?

    Dear Foxy Lady:
    Meg will do anything to continue being talked about. She's been in like, two movies and she's already a pro at being a celebrity! That requires some sort of smarts.

    Dear Ted:
    I really like the Michael Jackson articles you have been writing. I think the only reason you are getting some negative feedback is because some of the readers are still stuck in the first stages of grieving, so they can't accept that there was both good and bad to Michael. I never miss reading your column; I especially love the Bitch-Back sections, but I really like the more journalistic feel to items you post about Michael. I like seeing your more serious reporter side. P.S. Still saying a little prayer every day for you while you deal with the pain of losing Butch.

    Dear Rock With You:
    Thanks on all counts, much appreciated.

    Dear Ted:
    Already sent my guess on Toothy Tile now it's Nevis Divine's turn. He has to be James Franco. I don't know why, but I feel so sure (on both guesses).

    Dear Let's Be Franco:
    J.F. has his own vices to worry about. He's just as delicious as Nevis, tho!

    Dear Ted:
    First of all, I want to say good for you for sticking to your journalistic integrity in regard to Michael Jackson and not allowing yourself to fall into "what a great guy now that he's dead" trap. Anyway, my reason for writing is to declare myself a Paqmo fan! I am sure this will set off the Robstenites, as sweet as Robsten is (and they are). I just find that True Blood is edgier, hotter, sexier and you can almost feel the heat coming off the TV between Paqmo. I am sorry to the Robsten fans. R.Pattz is a cutie, but Stephen Moyer is a downright doable fox. I'd love to knock boots with him anytime! All I ask of the Robstenites is to keep an open mind (regardless of Moyer's comments). It's a hot show!
    —Sara, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

    Dear Vamp War:
    Hey, there's enough room in all our hearts (and our libidos) for both sets of hot babes.

    Dear Ted:
    I just wanted to say that your story on Paris Hilton was friggin' hysterical. I loved it. The be-yotch's theme song should be "Super Massive Black Hole" by Muse, if you know what I mean. Her mommy must be so proud of her little antidotes and her superexemplary behavior.

    Dear Like Mother, Like Daughter:
    Of course Kathy Hilton's full of pride—she taught her everything she knows!

    Dear Ted:
    I can't believe how many people here believe that Rob Pattinson is depressed just because Kristen Stewart isn't with him. Yeah, he doesn't look happy shooting Remember Me—have you seen how many paps are bothering him? Even the crazy fangirls are yelling his name while shooting. He is under so much stress. Seriously, if I had a million paps and fangirls screaming for me, I wouldn't look too happy, either.

    Dear Poor Pattz:
    But wouldn't ya feel more at ease if your lover was there to comfort you?

    Dear Ted:
    Terry Tush-Trade is Robert Pattinson. Correct? Kristen is his lover and they were set up by [Twilight director] Catherine Hardwicke. Kristen has been in pictures with Michael Angarano, who everyone thought she was really with to begin with. My bet is Rob, sadly.

    Dear Scorching Hot:
    T3 ain't Rob, but you have no idea how close you are!

    Dear Ted:
    Sorry to hear about falling off the no-smoke wagon, but as a smoker who has tried and failed more times than I can count, I feel your pain. I'm currently trying to quit again, and it's one of those things you gotta keep trying until you succeed. Best of luck to you! Hope Butch didn't have anything to do with lighting up again, although I have four lovelies and can certainly relate to the devastation of losing a treasured member of the family. Rather, I hope it was seeing all those pictures of Rob Pattz looking hot with cigarette in hand. Man, he should work for Phillip Morris.

    Dear Smoke Alarmed:
    Thanks, Ma, Rob and I stand by, duly advised.

    Dear Ted:
    Just wanted to say, as a stay-at-home mom, you make nap times so much more entertaining, so thanks for all your insight into the Hollywood world. Back in the beginning of the year, all the tabloids were saying J.Lo/Marc Anthony, Gwyneth/Chris Martin and Jennifer Garner/Ben Affleck were going to split imminently. Fast-forward six months silence. Any scoop on what's going on with these couples?

    Dear Couple Patrol:
    They're all choosing to work through their problems privately, as opposed to Sean Penn and Robin, who cry divorce every five minutes to anyone who'll listen.

    Dear Ted:
    With all of the ridiculous engagement rumors surrounding Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr, do you think she is having her PR team feed these stories to the press? The latest is he gave her an ultimatum after she rejected his proposal twice. This sounds so out of character for him, and they are not popular enough to warrant the media making up lies to sell mags. Make this make sense to me.

    Dear Blooming Rumor:
    Us, too. The only noteworthy thing either star has done in ages is date each other. Orlando seriously needs a Pirates 4.

    Dear Ted:
    How about a twofer? Please? Is Nevis Divine Tom Sturridge? If not, is he Ben Barnes? Am I close?

    Dear Double Trouble:
    No to both, and no, you are not close.

    Dear Ted:
    Any thoughts on the PG-13 rating for the rest of the Twilight movies? Will Breaking Dawn finally get an R rating?

    Dear Goin' Graphic:
    Not a chance. Harry Potter's as dark as a kid-friendly flick can get, and you'll never see them get anywhere near an R. Same with the Twi films—why shut out your whole demographic from seeing your movie countless times? PG-13 just promises more Robsten liplocking and vamp violence, but nothing too über-disturbing. Tho we gotta admit, Twilight's totally x-rated in our fantasies! (And Breaking Dawn will be another convo entirely.)

    Dear Ted:
    Love you and your fabulous self! I am constantly avoiding work to catch up on the latest gossip. Anyway, I saw Kelly Clarkson perform on SYTYCD, and is it just me or did she let herself go? I don't remember her looking that big.
    —A.T. Lover

    Dear Since Ur Figure's Been Gone:
    It's not you, the babe's gained a bunch in recent months. But I think Kelly's actually happy how she is, and I do prefer a smiling, bigger gal than a depressed, anorexic one. Who seems more put together, Clarkson or Lohan? Exactly. Just wish K.C. would find a stylist who knows how to dress her better.

    Dear Ted:
    Do you think Rob is in love with his two leading ladies? Or is Emily de Ravin just a flirt even though she knows Rob is already taken?

    Dear Spoken For:
    Rob's heart and eyes don't exactly follow the same path at all times. But we're talkin' eyes here, babe, not body parts.

    Dear Ted:
    I absolutely love you! I have been addicted to the Awful Truth ever since T-Mobile put E! Online as free site of the week. However, they still haven't fixed the glitch in the system, so I can still access you even though I don't have internet on my phone. What can I say, I'm a cheapass. So, I know it's like ages late, but what exactly happened to Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton's friendship?

    Dear BFF Buster:

    Dear Ted:
    Before you were all Robsten all the friggin' time you were counting the days until Jen and Ben split. What gives with them, or do you no longer care about stars over the age of 30? How about Tomkat? No juice on them either?

    Dear Older Star Ogling:
    Both those duos haven't done anything new in ages. You want me to report the same predictable TomKat stuff day in and day out? Robsten's so interesting 'cause they're young and all over the place. Geographically, that is.

    Dear Ted:
    Just a statement. You need to kick that smoking habit again. Remember that Peter Jennings said he started smoking again after 9/11, and we know what happened to him. Personally, I have been smoke-free since 2000!

    Dear Good For You:
    And I mean that sincerely. I'll quit again when I'm ready and not before.