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Real Housewives of N.Y.'s Bethenny Frankel Blogs About Real Housewives of New Jersey Finale: "What the Ef?"

Real Housewives of NYC, Bethenny Frankel Andrew Eccles/BRAVO

Welcome back to Real Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel's exclusive blog about The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Bethenny's blogging exclusively for E! Online every Wednesday, dishing about the craziness that goes down with these Jersey girls each week. Here's her new installment, for the season finale.

Take it away, Bethenny...

                         

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What a freakin' episode. Freakin' fireplace, freakin' sink, freakin' gorgeous. These were Dina's eloquent words when describing Teresa's marble palace. I laughed when she said, "You have onyx coming out of your ass." Now that would be painful.

I secretly like this massive mausoleum because it's the kind of place I would have visited as a kid saying, "This is how the rich people live." It is so over-the-top that you can't even be negative. You just have to be entertained and amused. Besides, Teresa hasn't put a hit out on me yet, so I just have one more reunion and maybe some clip show to survive through. I will be staying away from the Lincoln tunnel, though, for a while.

I like that Dina is genuinely not jealous. She gets a kick out of the grandiose nature of the house (look at hers), and I typically like her cool personality.

By the way, nice rack Teresa. Your new "bubbies" do look great.

It was nice to see Jacqueline's sweet, grounded parents. The parent-child dynamic always surfaces, and I continue to love Dina and Lexi. Lexi has that special thing. She should be the child actor. She's cute and quirky and appreciates her youth.

I loved the hoarding segment with candy and stuffed animals. I am a known obsessive editor who constantly gives everything away. I had hives looking under the bed.

OK, who are you more scared of? Caroline or that German shepherd? That was alarming. Or was it crazy that the former police commissioner (Caroline's husband's BFF), who got into trouble for shady money practices, was on this show. It's not Dateline, people. That's funny. He's clearly a fool.

The dog was scary. I wouldn't bringing my nieces and nephews around, and my dog Cookie is no peach. Yikes. I didn't know that crime was so rampant in Franklin Lakes.

Ashley still seems spoiled to me, but I really appreciate Chris (whom I really like) looking after her as his own daughter. Good vibes from him. Truth be told, girls are a pain in the ass at that age. She'll drive that car, she isn't doing drugs or drinking. Kids aren't perfect. She gets a pass and Jacqueline really is a genuinely nice girl.

Dina talks about retiring during this episode, which is fascinating. Why endure the world's scrutiny on this show if your husband won't be on and you're not using it for business reasons? Believe me, it is so toxic. If it weren't for my book, Naturally Thin, being a New York Times best-seller, would this really be worth it? Fame with no real value is very pricey.

At the infamous dinner party, why were everyone's breasts cocktail party chatter? That was surprising coming from Caroline. Albie's line was great when he asked Teresa's husband, "How about your mother's breasts?" Priceless. Touché. Holy inappropriateness. Teresa looked hot in her dress and so did her new twins. I beat her up, but she is just cute and usually sweet. Truth be told: She's too easy a target for me. I'm just scared her husband will kick my ass if I go after him.

Love Caroline's other son joking with the little girl saying, "What are you drinking?" They're fun. I'd hang with them for a giggle, and I'm sure Caroline would approve. I like their family, Dina's family. There's a decent theme there.

Teresa inviting Danielle to the party was so produced and not natural, so I'll give her a pass for it seeming bizarre. However, her saying I'm not a rude person was hilarious. If you do invite her, let's leave high school and not all give Danielle dirty looks when she walks in. Danielle and that book were the elephants in the room, and her kids knew it too.

Speaking of children, do we need to hear how Teresa's husband wants to attack her while still in stitches in the car or how sore she is? I mean I'm the grande dame of inappropriateness, but what the ef? That made it funny when they later thought the kids should leave when talking about the infamous book. Sore from sex and your man begging for it all the time is OK for the kids to hear, but talking about book gossip at the Chateaux salon is rated R. Copy that.

OK, I've waited the entire season to mention this: Can we discuss the grammar or lack thereof? English is literally a second language for these girls. "I just begun." Um it's I just began and freakin' or freaking or shkeve are other Jersey words that make this vernacular special. I'm immediately transported back to Aqueduct racetrack where I spent my childhood days.

I'm not even mad at Danielle for leaving her kids there. They know it all. They're well-adjusted and this is mommy. She also probably knew that she could only take so many hits with them being present. She's manipulative, and this isn't her first day at the rodeo.

I also agreed with Danielle (and I'm not taking her ridiculous side) about another grown woman pointing a finger at her. This isn't "the untouchables." People: settle down. Dina seemed to be squirming a bit and didn't seem to be telling the whole truth. Bottom line is she and Caroline justifiably don't like Danielle, didn't go into it because of the kids present and because if they cross that line, they'll probably be arrested for strangulation, so they are left looking at fault. There is way more here than meets the eye. I really relate to this. There have been people who I'm dying to really rip and tell the world all their skeletons, but I ultimately won't cross that last fine line. Danielle isn't a good person; they know it and can't really go for broke with it. The TV isn't showing the whole deal and probably won't. There is a point where this stuff will ruin someone's life and that's a lot to hold onto even with someone you loathe.

Teresa was a drunken mess. It was really classless. I hate that stupid word class, which most of all of us on all of these reality shows discuss and barely have (solely for doing the shows in the first place.) Teresa really was a disaster, and it lowered her straight to the bottom.

I think she got buzzed, got frustrated and didn't like being the stupid one, and she wanted to exhibit some strength and dramatic effect. Mission accomplished. Bravo owes those big ratings they'll get this week to her.

Big kiss to Chris for being horrified. Also, as an aside, they're oysters people. This isn't Fear Factor, and if you don't like something, just push it aside. They were infants in dance class again, while Danielle at least acted like she has dared to leave Jersey before. Good show. I'll lock my doors and hire security for a while, for my ass is probably grass and those Jersey broads are the lawnmowers.

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Check back here, same time, same place, for a recap of next week's The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Bethenny Frankel is the inventor of the Skinnygirl Margarita and author of the New York Times best-seller Naturally Thin, available everywhere books are sold. Information, updates and recipes can be found at www.bethenny.com and www.skinnygirlcocktails.com.

 

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