Bruce Willis and Emma Heming were married just a few months ago in a relatively quiet Caribbean ceremony. It's always nice when celebrities keep something like that low-key.
But now the couple is featured in the July W posing for an S&M honeymoon and participating in an article meant to justify their relationship, as if we even needed such a thing.
The 54-year-old action star starts by explaining how he went from divorcing Demi Moore to shunning monogamy to remarriage...
"I went from 'F--k love' to 'Love is truly the answer. I spent the last 10 years single and, for the most part, unhappy," says Bruce. "In a dark place. I never thought that being with someone else was the answer."
"I would say, 'I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.' But I was just kidding myself," he adds. "Then I started hanging around Emma, and on a day-to-day basis my life became much happier."
The article then dispels any criticism that could possibly be made against the couple.
Take the rumor a while back that said Bruce picked the 32-year-old model as the next Mrs. Willis during an open casting call for the Perfect Stranger. Not true! They met in 2005 while Emma was engaged to former fake Heidi Montag employer Brent Bolthouse.
Ah, well then that must make her a serial celebrity dater. But we're shut down again by Emma's agent Faith Kates with a succinct, "She's not that girl."
Gold digger then? Again Kate's agent crushes that claim, "She's made her own money."
The rest of the profile describes Emma as a quiet, subdued, level-headed non-Valley girl that is not interested in fame or acting and is absolutely perfect for Bruce.
"I hear so many people in relationships say, 'I just need a couple of days away, or even an hour away, ' " Bruce says. "But I don't want to be away from Emma at all. It's the most singular relationship I've ever had in my life."
So yes, they're perfect for each other; good thing there's a W article to verify it.
Now, let's leave them be so they can have sex in the kitchen and when they're through with that, Bruce will need a shower. Then he'll change into his nude panties while his wife will get topless for this thing. Bruce takes control for a minute and then—omigod!—what did he do to her?! Oh, they're just playing around, everyone's fine, but how about a quick stop at the hospital anyway just to be a safe?
Craziest honeymoon ever. Top that with all your twittering, Demi and Ashton.
______
Follow us on Twitter @eonline and get our free iPhone app