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    Bitch-Back! Bennifer Breakdown!

    Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Violet Fame Pictures

    Dear Ted:
    How long would you like to keep Isaiah Washington on the cross? He paid for his sin of using the F-word against T.R. by being fired off of one of the best shows on the air (until he left, that is). It's been two years! Give it a rest and let the man rebuild his life!
    —Yvette

    Dear Irked Over Isaiah:
    He can try to rebuild his career—doesn't mean I have to like him. Getting fired doesn't stop you from being a bigot.

    Dear Ted:
    So, Garner surprises Affleck at L.A. House of Blues, peppers his face with kisses and jets 20 minutes later. Sounds like someone wanted to send a message to a Ben hoochie attending the event to me...Elizabeth Berkley maybe?
    —Robin

    Dear Ben's Babes:
    Or to me? No one's safe from Jen Garner's death stare. And why single out poor Liz Berkley? Babe's been married herself since 2003.

    Dear Ted:
    Is it just me or is it just a little sad to watch the Oscars with all its display of wealth and power by the "haves" while the rest of the U.S. falls into joblessness and home loss? The country is in bad shape (thanks, George), and this group can hardly wait to flaunt their wealth and egos. I find it a bit off-putting.
    —Jamie

    Dear So Have-Nots:
    So true, babe, but maybe we should just embrace it and mindlessly bitch 'bout fashion flops. Jessica Biel, really?

    Dear Ted:
    The comments Robert Pattinson makes about having a crush on Kristen Stewart make her cringe in a big way! No doubt she finds him gorgey (as any red-blooded gal would), but people seem to forget she has been with her BF for years! I don't really see the whole Kristen-Rob thing as more than a publicity stunt to make the horny teenage vampire wannabes more geared up to see the Twilight sequels. Tell me Kristen is the loyal, shy girl she seems to be, thus breaking the mold of the young Hollywood sluts we read about everyday.
    —Nina

    Dear Dirty Mind:
    Hardly, hon, we know all about K's flirty trailer ways. Kristen's good-girl actions don't have to match her bad-girl thoughts about Pattinson. Don't be surprised if her behavior catches up with her imagination.

    Dear Ted:
    Love, Love, Love Truth, Lies & Ted! However, the real showstoppers are not dishing on the stars—it's Butch and Margo. What's up? They haven't been showcased in the last two episodes? Are they demanding more pampered services, or did they up and get themselves some high-powered agents? Nevertheless, please more airtime with them next time! Oh, and what's up with Giuliana not wearing the Rancic bling? Is it hogging the last bit of attention from her cohost?
    —Courteny, San Diego

    Dear Animal Lover:
    Yes, it's true, Margo wanted hair and makeup, which is being negotiated with E! Now, I haven't told her this, mind you, but she stands about as much a chance of getting it as you receiving an explanation from G on why no ring.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm no Angelina fan, but how is it every reference to her somehow reminds us that she stole another woman's man? Why did Julia Roberts get away with the same thing so easily? The media and her fans seemed to forgive her rather quickly, citing the fact that she and Danny Moder were soul mates. Gag. I think Angelina is a lot easier to take than precious Julia.
    —TS

    Dear Julia Vs. Angie:
    Danny wasn't married to a TV star at the time when Julia snagged him up. It's easy to forget J.R.'s "other woman" behavior when we don't have any notion of her.

    Dear Ted:
    Warren Beatty's oldest daughter is only 16 or 17. So a twentysomething would not be his daughter. Did you know this already and are playing coy regarding the Father Knows Breast Blind Vice?
    —Liz

    Dear Bad Beatty:
    Sorry, darling, no hinting to Beatty for that B.V. Schlong Sleaze-Wad is much younger and more sexually rambunctious.

    Dear Ted:
    You get hunkier all the time. I know you're humble, though, so I won't belabor the point. Listen, would the first initial of Toothy's last name be "A"? And on another topic entirely, do you foresee trouble with a major good-looking Hollywood couple (the husband has been known to have a vice known as gambling and the wifey just had another baby)?
    —SnoRom

    Dear Blind Vice Bitching:
    Thanks, and yes, I do. As for name-gaming with Toothy, he isn't Ben Affleck.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Oded Good-Head actually P. Diddy? I have heard this from the "horse's mouth."
    —Christa

    Dear Wrong Steed:
    Your horse is misinformed.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Toothy Tile Jim Carrey? And if not, why not?
    —Julia

    Dear Talkin' Toothy:
    Jimmy's been living a pretty drama-less life with longtime gal-pal Jenny McCarthy. And Jim doesn't need a female fling to keep his career up—he needs a good movie role. Soon.

    Dear Ted:
    How old are you? Do you have any kids, wife?
    —bbaldwin

    Dear Inquisitive:
    I have a husband and two dogs and two cats, does that count? Apparently not in California.

    Dear Ted:
    This may sound a bit manipulative, but in the thick of all the depressing news about the economy and the world at large, I think your readers would love to hear you reveal a Blind Vice! That's the kind of news I'd actually enjoy hearing, lemme tell ya. So, if I guess correctly, maybe you'd be willing to confirm it? Here goes: I think that Ooma Offspring from One Spoiled-Starlet Blind Vice is Rumer Willis.
    Em

    Dear Beggar:
    Nothing else is free in this world, why should a Blind Vice be? Wink, wink to you, hon.

    Dear Ted:
    My daughters want to know if Zac and Vanessa are still together. They love them.
    —Nelcie 

    Dear High School Dream:
    Your daughters can rest easy—for now. The two were very much together at the Vanity Fair party. Too much together actually, but more on that later, kids.

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