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by Ted Casablanca

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perf (adjective): perfect, as in "My sugar-free Red Bull addiction (you would think) is perf for a cushy endorsement deal" or "Aren't Jesse Metcalfe's man-boobs perf?"

poop (noun): gab, gossip or something imbecilic uttered by someone who wants to be even more stupid than they already are, as in "Lindsay Lohan shot the poop at the press conference regarding her new campaign against underage drinking"

poo-poo (verb): to dismiss, as in "Courtney Love's publicist poo-poo'd the notion that her client might actually be suffering from long-term Excedrin PM addiction

presh (adjective): precious. Used in relation to the innocent members of Hollywood who you can't help but want to hug and shield away from the potential horrors this town offers so abundantly, e.g., Amanda Bynes, Hayden Panettiere and Shia LaBeouf. Antonym: Lindsay Lohan (for now—we're crossing our fingers)

prolly (adverb): probably, as in "Katie Holmes is prolly no longer a virgin"

punim (noun): face, usually of attractive, vain type, but not always. As in "You could just see in Eva Longoria's slightly mascaraed eyes when she worked with Michael Douglas on The Sentinel how happy the tiny spitfire was that her own punim didn't need work, as yet"

quasi (prefix): not even close to being part of the whole, as in "I was only quasi in the mood to screw after watching that new Patrick Dempsey romantic comedy"

quelle horreur (exclamation): French for being aghast, as in "Quelle horreur, Tom Cruise is killing my Ritalin buzz!" (Note: expression best used when inebriated; otherwise, sounds totally doofus)

ree-dick (adjective): ridiculous, as in "Needing translations for Tedspeak is as ree-dick as having this Decoder"

sass (noun): what the French are full of, which is precisely why I like ripping off their language, as in "Girlfriend, those first daughters up in Washington have more sass than class!"

semi (prefix): partial, as in Topher Grace would qualify as a semi-pedal-to-the-metal hunk, just not a fully leaded one

sex-ay (adjective): no ordinary form of sexiness. I mean hormonal overdrive: Will Smith back when he cared about his abs and hunk-magnet Angelina Jolie--who's so damn succesfully hot she's got Brad Pitt not caring too much about his own tummy, ya know?

sexlicious (adjective): a word I coined but am not, unfortunately, enjoying residuals from, after E! Networks programming appropriated it for various thematic countdown shows. See also: sweatlicious

soosh (noun): sushi

sorta (adverb): same as semi, only used more for moods than for men, as in "I just saw Hilary Duff's collarbone--that sorta makes me feel like eating"

stupid-ola (adjective): beyond stupid, e.g., a flack calling moi to complain about his or her client performing an illegal activity in a Blind Vice

sweatlicious (adjective): anything Christian Bale does with his shirt off

T-town (noun): uh, Tinseltown, you twerp

wife-unit (noun): what Lance Bass hopes to be and Reichen Lehmkuhl signs--oops!--sighs to be

wow-woman (noun): a Tinseltown kinda gal who has Paris Hilton's looks and Paris Hilton's brains

yawnsville (noun): a place one goes when Matthew Perry removes his top

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