Written on the (Smelly) Wind

Who's stinky-butt perfumes are competition for hot-mess Britney Spears? Might be surprised on that one. Plus, you bitchy-ass readers must never get any, 'cause we got the crank-a-thon mailbag comin' your way!

Tacky wardrobes and weaves aren’t the only ways to make a buck in T-town. Actors, athletes and musicians can always recreate themselves into a fragrance—because everyone wants to smell like casting couches, dank nightclubs and grass stains.

Sorry to inform, but the top-selling fragrances on the market come from celebs like Sean John Combs (yet another alias for Diddy) and his negative-sounding scent, Unforgivable, which hauled in more than $75 mil last year. Sure did better than Cher’s old Uninhibited. Remember that one? Pretend you do. Damn, guess a lot of people like the smell of being bitter and holding grudges. Going down the celeb coffers list is Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds at $60 mil and Sarah Jessica Parker’s Lovely at $57 mil, which is far easier to enjoy than Fergie's latest single for the Sex and the City movie, seriously.

Jennifer Lopez’s twin tots are prolly gagging when gal goes to breast feed ‘em, thanks to the amount of perfume spritzed on her neck. La Lopez’s fragrances, from Glow to Live Luxe, made the Latina hon a luscious $77 mil, which we’re sure she uses as kindling in the fireplace of her already massive mansion.

But who’s got the biggest slice of the celeb scent cake? Britney, 'course. The lot of her pukey perfumes made $84 mil in what was undoubtedly the worst year of B-babe’s life—glad something went right for our dear tart. B.S. could shave her head, get strapped to a gurney, put on a horribly executed performance on live TV, lose control of her estate, her kids and her mind and still have people paying upwards of 60 bucks a bottle for the Britney Spears brand. Maybe gal’s fans are so enamored with the old back-in-the-day Britney they don’t give an ef what she’s up to now? Or maybe the bottles are pretty (they’re not). Bet if perfume execs wrung out her sweat-stained towel from a training sesh at Bally’s and poured it into a Starbucks cup they’d still have takers.

Dear Ted:
Do you know if celebs read your column? Do they ever call you if they don’t like something you're writing? Your job seems kind of dangerous. What if Tom Cruise comes after you? Buy a gun!
  Margot
  El Paso, Texas

Dear NRA Ninny:
Darling, guns are for loser cowards. I’m like George Clooney: I just use my tongue.

Dear Ted:
Love how you manage to sneak in a mention of Jason Castro so often. I have become completely obsessed with him. I don't think I've ever seen a human being more beautiful.
  Mary Kay
  Raleigh, N.C.

Dear Oh, Sister:
It’s only because Becky loves the dude so. I can’t stand his dorky ass. Peace back, babe.

Dear Ted:
My blood is boiling! We see Nicole Kidman "pimping her bump" at the UNIFEM press conference, Violence Against Woman. OMG, how can she still be a spokesperson for this organization after what her goons did to those paps?
  Disgusted In
  Denver

Dear Nic the Hypocrite:
Hey, it wasn’t called Violence Against Paps. So that makes it OK...right?

Dear Ted:
What exactly is your beef with Teri Hatcher and Debra Messing? I've read your column every day for six years now, and I cannot recall you mentioning anything about either woman that would make them worthy of such loathing. Skinny frames and swag-suite antics aside, what's up?
  Jenny
  Charm City, Md.

Dear Hatching a Mess:
I only write about people I like, no worries. Have you read my sh-t on Tom Cruise? Read on.

Dear Ted:
I heard that Tom Cruise is not the biological father of Suri. I was told that the father is someone else in the Church of Scientology. Could you please confirm this?
  Natalie
  Greensboro, N.C.

Dear Whose Sperm for Suri?:
Do I look like Maury Povich? Go to him if you want a baby-daddy DNA test.

Dear Ted:
Love your pic on the newly formatted page! I know the nuptials are rapidly approaching. I'd like to send you and your honey a gift. Registered anywhere?
  Sabrina

Dear Not a Witch:
Very sweet of you. Jon and I have registered with two charities (sorry, we have all the blenders and salad spinners we need at this point): the Lamp Community, which helps homeless men and women with mental illness, and New Leash on Life, which is a no-kill rescue outfit for homeless four-legged ones. Margo Casablanca, who was once without a pad herself, would love to have donations made in her name, but don't let yourselves be pushed around by that bitch. Thanks, S-babe!

Dear Ted:
I'm terrible at Blind Vices; I never even try to figure them out. But I've finally been tempted to take a guess about Toothy Tile's identity. Is it...George Eads? Love the column, and I'm not even a celebrity groupie!
  F.G.

Dear CSLies:
Your CSI-specific Toothy guess makes me think you’d search down Georgie-boy for an autograph...or more. Lucky for your celeb fantasies, he isn't Tooth-babe.

Dear Ted:
I just read your column with the information about actor Jason Beghe and Scientology. Mr. Beghe and you are certainly entitled to your opinions. Scientology is not just about celebrities, because there are millions of people from all walks of life who are members. I am one of them, and I have been able to make vast improvements in my life by using what I have learned in Scientology. Just wanted you to know my opinion.
  John
  Ossining, N.Y.

Dear Scientology Scribe:
Well, your letter was completely spot-on grammar-wise and didn’t include an overdose of exclamation points, so you’ve at least earned my respect as far as writing goes. Are Scientologists the only ones who can help with spelling and punctuation, too?

Dear Ted:
What's this about Nick Lachey not being over Jessica or the breakup? It's been more than two years since they announced the split! Is that why he hasn't proposed to Miss Vanessa? I for one can't stand V. She seems like an opportunist, so I'm glad he hasn't proposed. In fact I hope he dumps her soon! What's the deal?
  Angie
  Norwalk, Ohio

Dear Schtick:
As far as we’re concerned, Nicky and Nessa have an equal amount of talent to contribute to society and art: not much. They can stay together...at least Jessie-babe’s got some personality.

Dear Ted:
What is going to happen first: Are we ever going to find out who Toothy Tile is, or is our planet going to be destroyed because aliens don't like the way they are portrayed in J.J Abrams' flicks?
  Fred
  Indianapolis

Dear Outting Space:
You’ll be seasick from Cloverfield 2 before T.T. gets some cojones, that’s my hunch.

Dear Ted:
Is Bravado Boom-Cocks Woody Harrelson?
  Rose
  State College, Pa.

Dear Boomer Zoomer:
Right size frame and nasty ‘tude, but wrong (mostly) sexual persuasion.

Dear Ted:
I'm so with you on the Kate Bosworth thing. She was on the cover of two fashion mags last month, one of which had an entire spread of her decked out in various designers' clothing. It made me want to upchuck my lunch reading about how she is a "muse" to them and can "wear" anything. I'm sure all fashion designers love the way their clothes look on a damn hanger.
  Amy
  Charleston, S.C.

Dear Bored Bosworth:
What fun is lunching with a lady who won’t pick up a fork or split an appetizer or two?

Dear Ted:
I have to put you in your place. First, get over the whole Nicole's bodyguard altercation. It's in the past. Move on. Second, Teri Hatcher was very good singing at the Idol Give Back show. I was pleasantly surprised, and everybody I've talked to agrees. Accept for once that you were wrong.
  Claudia
  Orlando

Dear Ears and Sighs:
I’m a big enough (and lean enough) man to admit when I’m wrong. That said, honey, you’ll never hear me singing Ter-bear’s praises 'cause her singing was flat...and flat-out embarrassing.

Dear Ted:
Is Dangling Wrangler of One-Return-to-Debauched Blind Vice David Spade?
  Janet
  Bridgeport, W.V.

Dear and You Are:
Way off. D.W.’s far more good looking and believably a ladies man.

Dear Ted:
LiLo and Samantha R platonic? Ted! I expect better from you!
  Renni
  Oak Brook Terrace, Ill.

Dear Pseudo-Sapphic Stars:
I haven’t slept with either one, so you can still look me in the eye.

Dear Ted:
Tell your friend George Clooney to shut the ef up! If Mr. Know-It-All put as much effort into his "girlfriends" as he does in telling the world what to do, he might not have to keep going to "Jiffy F--k" to find them.
  Miss P
  Boston

Dear “Miss P” :
Is this you again, Teri Hatcher?

Dear Ted:
What is the deal with your love affair with the damn Hiltons? I just don't get it. The Latsis source said how horrible Kathy was, how Paris was horrible and how Barron is now following in his sis' law-breaking footsteps. You 're on their payroll aren't ya? So how much do they pay ya to praise them every chance you get?
  D
  Lancaster, Pa.

Dear Hot for Hilton:
They couldn’t pay me enough to keep me from heckling them. Then again, it’d be nice to get my bathrooms redone...

Dear Ted:
I think I got this one. Dangling Wrangler's gotta be Mel Gibson, right?
  Chris
  North Hollywood, Calif.

Dear Missed Mel:
Gibbie’s already got enough problems. Ain't him, the little anti-Semitic saint.

Dear Ted:
You so called it on Brody Jenner and all the other look-a-like, brown-haired douche-bag celebs/noncelebs! Thank you for validating and confirming why living in L.A. would drive me crazy—other than traffic on the 405.
  Shanna
  San Diego

Dear San Diego Sweetie:
Always take the 5N for all your Hell-Ay visits, trust.

Dear Ted:
You and I don't always agree, but I am with you on the Brody Jenner scoop from last week. When are these famous-for-nothing types going to be done with their 15 minutes? Paris, Nicole, Ashlee Simpson (who cares if she's pregnant, and what is her talent again?), Brody, Lauren, Audrina...enough already! Why is young America so infatuated with these people? I'm a child of the '80s, and at least Madonna, Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore had talent and personality to spare! As always, love your opinion on all things Hollywood.
  Patricia
  Buffalo, N.Y.

Dear Now and Then:
There were plenty of wastes of space back in the '80s, ya just don’t remember them. Give it 10  years; we won’t even recall what The Hills was (least I hope so).

Dear Ted:
Read that Jessica Biel is making a movie with Jakey. How the hell does this talentless girl get these jobs?
  J.L.
  Dallas

Dear Duh:
Same way she keeps snagging men like Justin Timberlake.

Dear Ted:
Is Super Duper Cooper from One Special Scratch-n-Sniff Blind Vice Matthew McConaughey?
  Sonia
  Lexington, S.C.

Dear Lexy Lady:
Believe it or not, our bongo-'n'-babe-playin’ pal is all sorts more gentlemanly than SDC. Think less hunky, and sillier, in bathing wear.

Dear Ted:
Why is Michael Jackson making a new album? Duh, he needs the money! Haven't you heard about his financial troubles?
  Regina
  Hoover, Ala.

Dear Woe Is Mike:
Yeah, but he's just gonna spend it on lawyers the next time he doesn't molest somebody, right?

Dear Ted:
Love being able to click right to you from the homepage. I guess the data showed that you were a top destination. You go, girlfriend!
  JenJen
  Chicago

Dear Butt Licker:
It’s not me they want, it’s Toothy Tile (big bottom-diva tease). But thanks, darlin’, appreciate the almost successful sycophancy!