Robert Pattinson

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With the popularity of the Twilight movies, it's come to my attention that lots of young girls want to pork vampires. Teenagers are lusting after Robert Pattinson—who by the way—has a ridiculous last name. Just change it to Patterson and make it easier on everybody. What is all the fuss about? That guy really does look like a vampire. They probably hired him just so they could save money on pale makeup. As a woman who has slept with more than her fair share of idiots and guys who look bad in daylight, I would like to offer some words to these horny young girls: When you're a teenager, most guys you date are dry-humping morons. Let's not make it more complicated by lusting after guys who sleep all day and then wake up only wanting to suck on your neck. That's what college is for. There are two things I stay away from: vampires and animation. I don't like anything not rooted in fact. I won't even eat Count Chocula cereal, but that's because of a black gym teacher I had intercourse with.

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