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Heidi Klum's man, Seal, gets as bitchy as a model who's forced to eat...plus, Mario Lopez's derriere has 'em seeing salivating stars, still, and the Reese 'n' Jake are they/aren't they saga also drags on. Ready to pick a side?
Heidi Klum

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

We caught up with the dazzling Heidi Klum at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show after-party last week. She was wearing the same sequined frock she donned earlier during her duet with Seal that showed some serious butt cleavage. So, if Heidi were to join the Spice Girls, what would her name be?

“I’d be Über Spice,” she told us. “Because they say über-model!” (In Germany, we’re guessing.)


Lisa O?Connor/ZUMAPress.com

That über-endowed hon of hers, Seal, was standing right behind his babe, playing paparazzi as us press peeps interviewed her. Heidi-hon claims it’s a piece of cake keeping the sparks flying in their relationship.

“It’s not that hard,” she said. ”I think when you’re in love, you’re really in love; you don’t have to think about it that much. If you’re not in love, then you have to do a hundred crazy things.”

We tried to get Seal to stop taking pics of Heidi for two secs to find out what kinda undies he was sporting under his sequined suit, but he was having none of our questions. When we tried to talk to him, he spun us around before pushing us back in his wife’s direction, informing us to “Continue” interviewing Heidi. So pushy, who knew? Guess that means Heidi-doll’s into getting dominated, huh? The Seal-Heidi mush machinations continue.

Maybe making sure your better half has all the attention is the secret to their happy marriage? More from this panty-party later, but for now, it’s time to hear from you hot 'n' bothered reader types who clearly want to dominate the world.

Mario Lopez's Butt on Nip/Tuck


Dear Ted:
Dah-ling, my eternal horny hetero thanks you for that pic of Mario Lopez's delish bum. Perf cheesecake and no fugly mug to detract. Love it! Wish all pics of Mario were of his "good side."
  Wilmington, Delaware

Dear Revenge:
This is in return for centuries’ worth of ugly-butt men saying similar heinous things about women they’d never have a chance with, right?

Ellen DeGeneres

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Why is everyone mad at Ellen for doing her show but not Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Rachael Ray? I don't understand, because her show is the same as theirs.
  Pickerington, Ohio

Dear Good Questioner:
It’s a matter both of taste and being caught in the middle, literally: Ellen made a half-attempt at saying she supported her writers, then she went right along, la-dee-friggin’-dah, and did her show, directly breaking procedure for the Writers Guild, of which E.D.’s a member, the others are not.

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com, Digitalprofile/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Do you think Reese Witherspoon knows everything she needs to know about Jake Gyllenhaal?

Dear Get Ready:
This may surprise you, darling, but yes, she does. Everything. And, please, next question goes to Reese, not us, she’ll have to answer for herself.

Dear Ted:
I was reading TMZ, and I realized that they’re using a very similar "vocabulary" as yours. Are they copying you, or they are just jealous?

Dear Dic Dude:
You never call it jealousy, darling, it’s called flattery. Always.

Question Mark Silouette

Dear Ted:
Apparently, Toothy Tile must be awfully big in the entertainment Industry and awfully powerful. I can't believe he hasn't been outted like Chad Allen was back in the day. Maybe one of his former fed-up paramours will finally do the deed and make him go public.
  E. Johnson

Dear Chad:
Is that what you’re hoping?

Will Smith

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Why can't I stop thinking that Seymour Plow-Me-More from One Slippery Grope Blind Vice is none other than Will Smith? Is it the Oscar nom? Is it because his wife's face, and the rest of her, looks harder with each passing year?
  Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Duh:
No, it’s because nobody else in H'wood has paid attention to his bi's (as in 'ceps) quite as much as Willy. Wrong guy, though, think older, less well kept.

Dear Ted:
Why would you waste two-thirds of a column on The Hills?
  Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Tarty-Pooper:
Because it’s fun to watch? Get a sense of humor.

Conan O'Brien

Rena Durham/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
The "collared freaks" comment you wrote (regarding Conan O'Brien’s priest stalker) really upset me. There are so many good priests out there doing so many wonderful things. Don't group them in with the horrible men who shamed the priesthood. Please.

Dear Sister Twister:
Yeah, whatever.

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Why is Us Weekly so far up Brangelina's ass lately? They’re always defending the couple, while everyone else is certain of trouble in paradise.
  Buffalo, New York

Dear Mag Hag:
Beats being up Britney’s butt.

Nicolas Cage

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Has Nicolas Cage had some major cosmetic surgery? I just saw the trailer for the latest National Treasure movie, and he's looking a bit weird. What's your thought?
  Boulder, Colorado

Dear Treasure Tell:
Dunno, we thought he looked pretty weird to begin with.

Ted Casablanca

E! Entertainment

Dear Ted:
You can fess up now…is there a portrait in your attic that ages? Every year you’re looking younger, and it's getting annoying.
  Allen, Michigan

Dear Oscar Wilder:
Thanks, puss-kisser, mucho appreciated. No portrait, just no booze and dope, and a constant vigilance not to do whatever Nic Cage would.

Matt Damon

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Seymour Plow-Me-More? Matt Damon?
  Kelly C.
  Leeds, England

Dear Bourne Guesser:
Darling, you have no idea what a good, albeit incorrect, guess that is. Howev, think less good looking, certainly not as fresh.

Danielle Spencer

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What's up with Russell Crowe's wife-unit, Danielle Spencer? The skinny-minny chick always looks so spaced-out with her frozen smile.
  Linden, New Jersey

Dear Hello:
You’d look like that, too, if you had a temperamental egomaniac for a hubby.

Dear Ted:
I've noticed you seem to have discovered the word myriad a few months ago. It is a lovely word, but I think you've gone overboard.
  Erin B.
  Austin, Texas

Dear Too Many:
My myriad apologies.

Dear Ted:
Don't you think that everything today is just too in-your-face?
  Richard C.

Dear Blinded in Baltimore:
Clearly, you’re asking the wrong columnist.

Rebecca Romijn

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Sha-Sha Shimmy
from One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills Blind Vice has to be Rebecca Romijn. She said once on Regis that she always has de-pooping treatments and cleans out her colon for a solid week before a movie role. How gross.
  El Paso, Texas

Dear Get Over It:
(a) It ain’t R.R., though not a bad hunch, just think slightly less successful, and (b) it’s just poop, for heaven’s sake, why so anally fearful?

R. Kelly

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Super-Dooper Cooper from One Even Stinkier Blind Vice R. Kelly? He had that infamous and tacky video awhile back displaying his love of water sports...among other things.
  Fairfield, California

Dear Det. Dirty:
Right everything, except the correct diaper-needing dude, darlin’! If you sweetened up your lyrics, sure you might see the smelly light.