“I’d be Über Spice,” she told us. “Because they say über-model!” (In Germany, we’re guessing.)
That über-endowed hon of hers, Seal, was standing right behind his babe, playing paparazzi as us press peeps interviewed her. Heidi-hon claims it’s a piece of cake keeping the sparks flying in their relationship.
“It’s not that hard,” she said. ”I think when you’re in love, you’re really in love; you don’t have to think about it that much. If you’re not in love, then you have to do a hundred crazy things.”
We tried to get Seal to stop taking pics of Heidi for two secs to find out what kinda undies he was sporting under his sequined suit, but he was having none of our questions. When we tried to talk to him, he spun us around before pushing us back in his wife’s direction, informing us to “Continue” interviewing Heidi. So pushy, who knew? Guess that means Heidi-doll’s into getting dominated, huh? The Seal-Heidi mush machinations continue.
Maybe making sure your better half has all the attention is the secret to their happy marriage? More from this panty-party later, but for now, it’s time to hear from you hot 'n' bothered reader types who clearly want to dominate the world.
Dear Ted:
Dah-ling, my eternal horny hetero thanks you for that pic of Mario Lopez's delish bum. Perf cheesecake and no fugly mug to detract. Love it! Wish all pics of Mario were of his "good side."
Kim
Wilmington, Delaware
Dear Revenge:
This is in return for centuries’ worth of ugly-butt men saying similar heinous things about women they’d never have a chance with, right?
Dear Ted:
Why is everyone mad at Ellen for doing her show but not Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Rachael Ray? I don't understand, because her show is the same as theirs.
Jenna
Pickerington, Ohio
Dear Good Questioner:
It’s a matter both of taste and being caught in the middle, literally: Ellen made a half-attempt at saying she supported her writers, then she went right along, la-dee-friggin’-dah, and did her show, directly breaking procedure for the Writers Guild, of which E.D.’s a member, the others are not.
Dear Ted:
Do you think Reese Witherspoon knows everything she needs to know about Jake Gyllenhaal?
Carla
Boston
Dear Get Ready:
This may surprise you, darling, but yes, she does. Everything. And, please, next question goes to Reese, not us, she’ll have to answer for herself.
Dear Ted:
I was reading TMZ, and I realized that they’re using a very similar "vocabulary" as yours. Are they copying you, or they are just jealous?
Esteban
Miami
Dear Dic Dude:
You never call it jealousy, darling, it’s called flattery. Always.
Dear Ted:
Apparently, Toothy Tile must be awfully big in the entertainment Industry and awfully powerful. I can't believe he hasn't been outted like Chad Allen was back in the day. Maybe one of his former fed-up paramours will finally do the deed and make him go public.
E. Johnson
Houston
Dear Chad:
Is that what you’re hoping?
Dear Ted:
Why can't I stop thinking that Seymour Plow-Me-More from One Slippery Grope Blind Vice is none other than Will Smith? Is it the Oscar nom? Is it because his wife's face, and the rest of her, looks harder with each passing year?
Nancy
Jacksonville, Florida
Dear Duh:
No, it’s because nobody else in H'wood has paid attention to his bi's (as in 'ceps) quite as much as Willy. Wrong guy, though, think older, less well kept.
Dear Ted:
Why would you waste two-thirds of a column on The Hills?
Gia
Alexandria, Virginia
Dear Tarty-Pooper:
Because it’s fun to watch? Get a sense of humor.
Dear Ted:
The "collared freaks" comment you wrote (regarding Conan O’Brien’s priest stalker) really upset me. There are so many good priests out there doing so many wonderful things. Don't group them in with the horrible men who shamed the priesthood. Please.
Teri
Philadelphia
Dear Sister Twister:
Yeah, whatever.
Dear Ted:
Why is Us Weekly so far up Brangelina's ass lately? They’re always defending the couple, while everyone else is certain of trouble in paradise.
Sara
Buffalo, New York
Dear Mag Hag:
Beats being up Britney’s butt.
Dear Ted:
Has Nicolas Cage had some major cosmetic surgery? I just saw the trailer for the latest National Treasure movie, and he's looking a bit weird. What's your thought?
Liz
Boulder, Colorado
Dear Treasure Tell:
Dunno, we thought he looked pretty weird to begin with.
Dear Ted:
You can fess up now…is there a portrait in your attic that ages? Every year you’re looking younger, and it's getting annoying.
Mary
Allen, Michigan
Dear Oscar Wilder:
Thanks, puss-kisser, mucho appreciated. No portrait, just no booze and dope, and a constant vigilance not to do whatever Nic Cage would.
Dear Ted:
Seymour Plow-Me-More? Matt Damon?
Kelly C.
Leeds, England
Dear Bourne Guesser:
Darling, you have no idea what a good, albeit incorrect, guess that is. Howev, think less good looking, certainly not as fresh.
Dear Ted:
What's up with Russell Crowe's wife-unit, Danielle Spencer? The skinny-minny chick always looks so spaced-out with her frozen smile.
Kate
Linden, New Jersey
Dear Hello:
You’d look like that, too, if you had a temperamental egomaniac for a hubby.
Dear Ted:
I've noticed you seem to have discovered the word myriad a few months ago. It is a lovely word, but I think you've gone overboard.
Erin B.
Austin, Texas
Dear Too Many:
My myriad apologies.
Dear Ted:
Don't you think that everything today is just too in-your-face?
Richard C.
Baltimore
Dear Blinded in Baltimore:
Clearly, you’re asking the wrong columnist.
Dear Ted:
Sha-Sha Shimmy from One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills Blind Vice has to be Rebecca Romijn. She said once on Regis that she always has de-pooping treatments and cleans out her colon for a solid week before a movie role. How gross.
Margot
El Paso, Texas
Dear Get Over It:
(a) It ain’t R.R., though not a bad hunch, just think slightly less successful, and (b) it’s just poop, for heaven’s sake, why so anally fearful?
Dear Ted:
Is Super-Dooper Cooper from One Even Stinkier Blind Vice R. Kelly? He had that infamous and tacky video awhile back displaying his love of water sports...among other things.
T.J.
Fairfield, California
Dear Det. Dirty:
Right everything, except the correct diaper-needing dude, darlin’! If you sweetened up your lyrics, sure you might see the smelly light.