Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press
“I’d be Über Spice,” she told us. “Because they say über-model!” (In Germany, we’re guessing.)
That über-endowed hon of hers, Seal, was standing right behind his babe, playing paparazzi as us press peeps interviewed her. Heidi-hon claims it’s a piece of cake keeping the sparks flying in their relationship.
“It’s not that hard,” she said. ”I think when you’re in love, you’re really in love; you don’t have to think about it that much. If you’re not in love, then you have to do a hundred crazy things.”
We tried to get Seal to stop taking pics of Heidi for two secs to find out what kinda undies he was sporting under his sequined suit, but he was having none of our questions. When we tried to talk to him, he spun us around before pushing us back in his wife’s direction, informing us to “Continue” interviewing Heidi. So pushy, who knew? Guess that means Heidi-doll’s into getting dominated, huh? The Seal-Heidi mush machinations continue.
Maybe making sure your better half has all the attention is the secret to their happy marriage? More from this panty-party later, but for now, it’s time to hear from you hot 'n' bothered reader types who clearly want to dominate the world.
Dah-ling, my eternal horny hetero thanks you for that pic of Mario Lopez's delish bum. Perf cheesecake and no fugly mug to detract. Love it! Wish all pics of Mario were of his "good side."
This is in return for centuries’ worth of ugly-butt men saying similar heinous things about women they’d never have a chance with, right?
Dear Good Questioner:
It’s a matter both of taste and being caught in the middle, literally: Ellen made a half-attempt at saying she supported her writers, then she went right along, la-dee-friggin’-dah, and did her show, directly breaking procedure for the Writers Guild, of which E.D.’s a member, the others are not.
Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com, Digitalprofile/ZUMAPress.com
Dear Get Ready:
This may surprise you, darling, but yes, she does. Everything. And, please, next question goes to Reese, not us, she’ll have to answer for herself.
I was reading TMZ, and I realized that they’re using a very similar "vocabulary" as yours. Are they copying you, or they are just jealous?
Dear Dic Dude:
You never call it jealousy, darling, it’s called flattery. Always.
Apparently, Toothy Tile must be awfully big in the entertainment Industry and awfully powerful. I can't believe he hasn't been outted like Chad Allen was back in the day. Maybe one of his former fed-up paramours will finally do the deed and make him go public.
Is that what you’re hoping?
Why can't I stop thinking that Seymour Plow-Me-More from One Slippery Grope Blind Vice is none other than Will Smith? Is it the Oscar nom? Is it because his wife's face, and the rest of her, looks harder with each passing year?
No, it’s because nobody else in H'wood has paid attention to his bi's (as in 'ceps) quite as much as Willy. Wrong guy, though, think older, less well kept.
Why would you waste two-thirds of a column on The Hills?
Because it’s fun to watch? Get a sense of humor.
The "collared freaks" comment you wrote (regarding Conan O'Brien’s priest stalker) really upset me. There are so many good priests out there doing so many wonderful things. Don't group them in with the horrible men who shamed the priesthood. Please.
Dear Sister Twister:
Why is Us Weekly so far up Brangelina's ass lately? They’re always defending the couple, while everyone else is certain of trouble in paradise.
Buffalo, New York
Dear Mag Hag:
Beats being up Britney’s butt.
Has Nicolas Cage had some major cosmetic surgery? I just saw the trailer for the latest National Treasure movie, and he's looking a bit weird. What's your thought?
Dear Treasure Tell:
Dunno, we thought he looked pretty weird to begin with.
You can fess up now…is there a portrait in your attic that ages? Every year you’re looking younger, and it's getting annoying.
Dear Oscar Wilder:
Thanks, puss-kisser, mucho appreciated. No portrait, just no booze and dope, and a constant vigilance not to do whatever Nic Cage would.
Seymour Plow-Me-More? Matt Damon?
Dear Bourne Guesser:
Darling, you have no idea what a good, albeit incorrect, guess that is. Howev, think less good looking, certainly not as fresh.
What's up with Russell Crowe's wife-unit, Danielle Spencer? The skinny-minny chick always looks so spaced-out with her frozen smile.
Linden, New Jersey
You’d look like that, too, if you had a temperamental egomaniac for a hubby.
I've noticed you seem to have discovered the word myriad a few months ago. It is a lovely word, but I think you've gone overboard.
Dear Too Many:
My myriad apologies.
Don't you think that everything today is just too in-your-face?
Dear Blinded in Baltimore:
Clearly, you’re asking the wrong columnist.
Sha-Sha Shimmy from One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills Blind Vice has to be Rebecca Romijn. She said once on Regis that she always has de-pooping treatments and cleans out her colon for a solid week before a movie role. How gross.
El Paso, Texas
Dear Get Over It:
(a) It ain’t R.R., though not a bad hunch, just think slightly less successful, and (b) it’s just poop, for heaven’s sake, why so anally fearful?
Is Super-Dooper Cooper from One Even Stinkier Blind Vice R. Kelly? He had that infamous and tacky video awhile back displaying his love of water sports...among other things.
Dear Det. Dirty:
Right everything, except the correct diaper-needing dude, darlin’! If you sweetened up your lyrics, sure you might see the smelly light.