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Ellen DeGeneres, that mutt-discarding dame, copes with striking snitty types, while Britney Spears gets growled at yet more (like barking at this broad does bupkes, please) and we've got dirt on who's doing whom on The Hills! Plus, Lauren Conrad inspires our very own dating rules!
AJ Hammer, Brooke Anderson

CNN

Just finished doing another segment for Showbiz Tonight, with A.J. Hammer and Brooke Anderson. They’s sass-ay. I like them. For ince, A.J. was talking about the latest bullcrap Britney Spears’ “camp” had delivered to them, explaining the further endangering B.S. engages in, regarding her poor kids.

“I didn’t realize she had a camp, anymore,” Hammer sniffed. Good one, babe. And what with mama Lynne Spears (Britney’s last possible quasi-clear-thinking camper) now off worrying about getting a manager for her own ass, does seems Brit’s being left in the Maliboo cold.

 

Conan O'Brien

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Was on Showbiz to gab about Conan’s stalker—what a friggin’ shocker, this guy’s a priest, right? Like these collared freaks haven’t committed some of the most heinous crimes in the past decades? Also, Ellen’s strike snafu, which is hardly a snafu, natch—as E.D.'s mucho pissed off myriad folks by crossing her Writers Guild picket line. Prob being Ellen’s a member of two unions, one that says she should strike, as a Writers Guild member, one that demands she should go on with the show, as an AFTRA member.

I said she should just get a damn cold, already, don’t cross the line for a while, she’s powerful as hell, she can have it both ways, doesn’t she know? She should shed at least a week’s worth of sorry-butt tears for her loyal scribes—just as she did for that mutt who’s gotten far too much attention.

Kanye West, Donda West

Brian Ach/WireImage.com

Goss backstage at CNN, where the green room was being commandeered for Josh Groban—who was in to tape for flatulence-impaired Larry King—was all about poor Kanye West’s mom, who had just died after undergoing plastic surgery. Non-CNN sources were blabbing in overdrive 'bout the various procedures that could have more easily gone awry. Truly hideous way to go. Online, Star Jones Reynolds, are ya?

And such dangers were amply highlighted in the looks-obsessed flick I just participated in, Darryl RobertsAmerica the Beautiful, which, so timely, points out the large numbers of non-board-certified "plastic" quacks there are, and has Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton and sundry other blown-dry babes waxing on and pretending like anybody in this town actually cares about what’s in our souls. As if.

Brittany Murphy, Simon Monjack

Michael Bezjian/WirEImage.com

More gab from the Motorola party we talked about yesterday, thrilling! Brittany Murphy was there, canoodling with her creepy-looking, zaftig hubby, Simon Monjack, while Nicollette Sheridan boogied without Michael Bolton. Outside on the carpet, Desperate Housewives dude Shawn Pyfrom cleared up the rumors about him and Lauren Conrad. Uvulas were wagging that S.P. and the Hills honey were lookin’ über-friendly at a recent do.
Shawn Pyfrom

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

“I did hang out at the table, but I have friends that knew her, and I’d met her before, so why not?” Shawn (weakly) 'splained, regarding pics of him and L.C. “I didn’t know anyone else. So, we hung out, and that’s it. Whoever the source was, they were way off.”

So relieved. We asked Shawn if he’d be making a cameo in any of the upcoming episodes of The Hills. “It’s not really something I’m interested in,” he pooh-poohed. “I’m not knocking it, but it’s not really my thing.”

Audrina Patridge

Greco Photography International / Courtesy foxgreenberg.com

Smart move, babe...stick to legitimate acting. Although Lauren wasn’t there that night, her overly perky roomie Audrina hit the bash with her new model boy-toy Tyson Paige in tow. He patiently waited at the end of the carpet while Audrina did interviews, which was sorta sweet. Does this mean Justin Bobby is gone for good?

“I can’t say, but in the next couple weeks on the show, everyone will find out,” Audrina masochistically promised. Had to ask Audrina if the rumors that none of the girls really work at their respective cushy gigs are true.

“That’s not real,” she said, adding that she does, indeed, toil at Epic Records, albeit part-time. “I don’t work there as much as I used to, because I’ve gotten other opportunities from the third season, so I don’t work full-time. Lauren does, though, and Whitney [at Teen Vogue]. I have no idea about Heidi.”

Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag

Donato Sardella/WireImage.com

Yeah, we don’t know about Heidi, either. When is she gonna wise up and dump Spencer, already? Why do they keep showing her applying her mascara in every episode? So many questions...

Orlando Bloom

Tony Barson/WireImage

Orlando Bloom, doin’ the theater thang. Orlando hit a staged reading of What About Dick? Sunday night at the Ricardo Montalbán Theatre here in H'wood. Other boldfaced names in attendance for the Eric Idle-penned play included Emily Mortimer and Eddie Izzard. One witness reports Orly, in his token blazer over a gray hoodie and jeans, was lookin’ rather rough. “He looked like s--t,” sassed one female bystander. “Very scrawny and quasi-rumpled.” Sounds like a damn nice change to us, but wonder if the dude’s losing sleep over headlines he hooked up with Kate Hudson? Doubt it. Looking far better in the same city was...

Ali Larter

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Ali Larter, haulin’ her fine behind through Runyon Canyon. The Heroes babe was spotted sprinting down the mountain on Sunday and looking über-svelte. Ali was casual, in black workout pants, a baseball cap and earphones. Her hair was pulled back in a pony job, sans makeup. Lovely. None of the hikers seemed to notice her, or if they did, pretended not to. Givin’ Ali a run for her glowing complexion back east was...

Jennifer Garner

Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

Jennifer Garner, greeting fans postperformance, Cyrano de Bergerac. An audience member reports Jen and Kevin Kline were both fab, but Jen gets more politeness points. After the curtain call, Ben's main babe came outside to sign autographs and take pics with fans despite the driving rain. “She has a flawless complexion,” marveled one waterlogged witness. The doorman told fans not to bother waiting on Kev, as he never does the meet-and-greet thing. Another crowd pleaser included...

John Mellencamp

Michael Hickey/WireImage.com

John Mellencamp , crooning despite having a hideous cold. The singer hit the stage Sunday at the Qwest Center in Omaha, Nebraska, and was “coughing, spitting and hacking,” eww! John told the germinated audience he almost canceled altogether but decided to soldier on. “He looked really short and really old,” said our front-and-center viewer. “But his voice was absolutely amazing and not cracking!” Hey, if his punim’s got some wrinkles, at least the pipes are still up to par!

Cristina Gibson

Courtesy of Cristina Gibson

If you happened to see a recent cover of Us Weekly, you may know it featured Lauren Conrad and her new rules for dating. For those of you who actually read the article, you’ll know L.C. doesn’t smooch on the first date and she always IMDbs her suitors beforehand.

Since I was cracking up, I insisted our very own Cristina Gibson, a 23-year-old (natural) blonde living and dating in Hell-Ay, write her own rules for romancing in H'wood. After all, C.G. had the good sense to turn down Brett Ratner, so she’s obviously got some smarts:

1. Do not panic if your dude doesn’t have an IMDb profile. Live dangerously and date someone outside of the entertainment industry. It’s nice to have something else to discuss over dinner besides Britney’s latest crotch shot.
 
2. Let him ask you out. I know it’s old-fashioned, but guys like to feel like they have the power—even when we girls know they don’t. Speak up. If you hate sushi, say so. If you suck at bowling, tell him Lucky Strike is out.
 
3. There’s nothing wrong with kissing on the first date if you feel so inclined. This shouldn’t be expected on his part by any means, but if you’re into him and you had a good time, why not? Tongue is totally at your discretion.
 
4. Don’t date any guy who appears, or aspires to appear, on The Hills.
 
5. Here’s the only rule I do agree with Lauren on wholeheartedly: He should absolutely pay for dinner on the first date, since he’s the one who asked you out. I recently had dinner with a loser who didn’t pick up the check. We actually split a $35 bill...très tacky! And he had the nerve to try and make out with me after. Fuhgeddaboudit!