Puckered 'n' Panting!

Johnathon Schaech gets cheeky with the chicas at the Motorola party and shows us why he won't be getting back with Christina Applegate! At least, we hope not (for Christina's sake). Plus, an ex-hubby weighs in on J.Lo's pregnancy, and we tackle your letters!

Don’t hold your breath for a Johnathon Schaech and Christina Applegate romance redux. Johnathon was one of the many celebs at the Motorola 9 party on Thursday night, where Kelly Clarkson was performing. The Lot, H-town. The usually good lookin’ guy showed up sporting a seriously sleazy looking 'stache he claimed was “for a role,” natch. Certainly hope so, since it wasn’t doing much for his looks (in our humble opinion). Is it any different kissing with the newly hairy upper lip, we inquired, as it is our jobs to discover such romantic wonderings, ya know.

“I don’t know, I haven’t kissed anyone yet,” he joked to Cristina Gibson and an In Touch gal. “You wanna try it?” Now, we all know that’s so not true, as he was spotted seriously snogging his ex-wife at Les Deux just last weekend, a fact which we gently reminded him. “Any chance of a reconciliation?” we pressed.

“What is that word?” he replied, claiming not to know the meaning of friggin’ reconciliation. What is he, two? “I have to look that one up. “Could there be a reunion with Christina?” we clarified, just in case.

“No comment,” he finally offered, before ducking inside the bash. Well, considering he just offered to kiss a random reporter, we’re gonna say it’s highly unlikely. Much more scoop and scandal from the Motorola bash coming tomorrow! Meanwhile, let’s go French-smooch some real malcontents, shall we?

Dear Ted:
Good on you, "Mr. Casablanca," for making the call to the White House, the one Phil Donahue was apparently too scared to make. It's a great shame so many young people were led astray with the weapons of mass destruction lies.
  Mina H
  Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Dear Down 'n' Out Under:
It’s more than a shame, darling, it’s a crime—in our minds. Tomas Young, the paraplegic Donahue so gloriously filmed in his movie, Body of War, will now have to pee through a catheter the rest of his life because Dubya had another agenda besides patriotism on his mind.

Dear Ted:
Angelina Jolie—wow! What a fine line between hideous and beautiful. Really.
  Tess
  West Linn, Oregon

Dear Jon Voight:
Still not talking to each other, eh?

Dear Ted:
George Clooney seems to be going downhill fast. Actually, I've thought it was a steady fall for the last couple of years. He is starting to make me think of William Holden.
  P

Dear Whoa, Nellie:
Gettin’ a little outta control there with your little Sunset Boulevard-esque scenario, aren’t ya, doll?

Dear Ted:
I'm so glad to hear you say animals are much more resilient and accepting than their human counterparts...glad to hear Butch and Cleopatra have accepted Miss Margo. I'm a fan of Ellen, but I'm very disappointed she chose not to "stick it out” [with Iggy]. Makes me wonder what would happen if she and Portia were to adopt a baby that cried all night? Who would she give that to?
  Lynn
  Boise, Idaho

Dear Critter Crier:
First, thanks. Second, that’s Ms. Margo. And, third, you can hardly compare kids to animals. Let’s not get all Leona Helmsley here.

Dear Ted:
Hon, why all the attention for Marilyn Manson? He's just a wannabe freak from Akron trying to be from somewhere else. We in the Buckeye State are glad he vacated years ago!
  Ellen
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear Manson Minder:
Yo, we’re equal-opportunity pokers here, babes. Snobs we are not.

Dear Ted:
What is it with the DUIs and celebrities? Rebecca De Mornay was even arrested!
  Gwen
  Louisville, Kentucky

Dear Obvious:
Same as with civilians, darling. You think famous folk don’t have nasty-ass probs?

Dear Ted:
If you ask me (not that you have), the attraction between Owen Wilson and Jessica Simpson is astrological in nature—his Scorpio to her Cancer—no-brainer. Yours in sobriety and snarkiness.
  Kate
  N. Cape May, New Jersey

Dear Drunk on Delirium:
Oh, darlin’, suddenly C. Gibson is embarrassed to be a Jersey girl, I suspect.

Dear Ted:
Pardon me if this question has been posed before, but inquiring minds must know: Will Toothy Tile be invited to your upcoming nuptials?
  MJ
  Omaha, Nebraska

Dear Emily Posted:
No.

Dear Ted:
Regarding the Reese and Jake thing—um, can you say "bitter much"? I'd think ol' Jakey-hon must've rejected your advances in the past, with all your snarkiness and not-so-lightly veiled innuendos about his sexuality. Must be so awful knowing all kinds of "truths" and not being able to spill a factual drop, instead of hiding behind Blind Vices and nasty innuendo. Oh well, you are the queen at that, if nothing else!
  Kiki
  Portland

Dear All Wet:
Even before I was (happily) engaged to be married, never been into little boys. Besides, Jake never offered, and I certainly never asked. And girlfriend, we tell plenty here at AT. Otherwise, doubt you’d have your thong so in a wad.

Dear Ted:
Is Sha-Sha Shimmy from One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills Blind Vice Melanie Griffith? She's a washed-up ditz-head trying to be 20. Wait a minute, isn’t that just about all the actresses in Hollywood?
  Mindy
  Dallas

Dear Evil, Bitter and Stuck in Texas:
No, Melanie’s not our messy gal. Think younger, curvier and currently unattached.      

Dear Ted:
I think Dorrell Sausage from One Unprepared Blind Vice could be David Spade.
  Peggy
  San Antonio, Texas

Dear Initial Inkling:
Way off, my San Antonio snooper. Think younger, more doable and much taller.

Dear Ted:
I just read your column today regarding Jake and Reese and their "relationship," and all I have to say is: brilliant! I especially like the part where you wonder whether Jake would like riding "on top" of the trolley.
  Kate
  Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Toast to You:
Thanks, and bottoms up, babe!

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with George Clooney and Sarah Larson? One minute, they're glued to each other's hips and oh so in love, the next she's in Vegas, then nothing about her at all—no pics or anything! By the way, love the Ted Speak and your cute pooch!
  Deb
  Tulsa, Oklahoma

Dear Clooneywatch:
Sarah just happens to be the babe Georgie was dining with when he got into that silly little spat with Fabio at Madeo. Maybe he was trying to impress her?

Dear Ted:
You've got a very clever way of telling your gossip, Mr. C. So, if I've cracked your code, does that mean Ryan Gosling is the subject of One Even Stinkier Blind Vice? I think that's the grossest and most depressing Blind Vice I've ever read.
  Abby
  Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Dear Wrong Whiff:
Relax, crumbcake...Ry’s so not our guy. Super-Dooper Cooper doesn’t make his moolah in acting, per se, 'kay?

Dear Ted:
Why hasn't anyone commented that Kelly Ripa is frighteningly, intervention-needed underweight and has been for years? It looks life threatening.
  Gingerella
  Darnestown, Maryland

Dear Sticks 'n' Bones:
There’s no doubt Kelly Ripa is thin, but the babe swears she eats. Plus, she does seem to actually have muscle tone. Maybe she should cut back on her cardio?

Dear Ted:
Is Dorrell Sausage from One Unprepared Blind Vice either Cisco Adler or Sean Stewart?
  Kristen
  San Diego

Dear D-List Detective:
Good guesses, girlfriend, but no to both those boys. D.S. is more doable than saggy Cisco and greasy Sean.