Scary 'n' Contrary

We talk makeup, mischief and H'ween with Heidi Klum—and whether she'll be singing on stage with her hubby at the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Plus, hot and bothered e-missives from our own Awful readers!

Wanna look like Heidi Klum? Of course you do, who the hell doesn’t? Well, now you can score her glam goods at least. The multitasking mama and supermodel launched the Heidi Klum Very Sexy Makeup Collection Friday at Victoria’s Secret at the Grove. And as you may or may not know, Heidi (besides Elvira, natch) is the queen of Halloween and goes all out every year. So, what’s her game plan this time?

“I have a big, big, big party, and I’ve been working on my costume for a while,” she told us. Now Heidi, clad on this particular day in gray skinny jeans, a sparkly silver top and giant heels, refused to reveal what, exactly, her costume is, but said her getup would be more scary than sexy.  

She must be going as her hubby with a tiny crotch, then, right? After all, didn’t Mrs. K just reveal she was first attracted to him because of his jumbo fire equipment down below?

“I think I’m always scary,” H.K. continued. “And even if it’s supposed to be cute, I make it scary,” she mused. “I’ve done Lady Godiva with fangs and blood coming out of my mouth. I was Betty Boop with fangs. Last year, I was Eve with an apple and a snake wrapped around me. I did my makeup for like two hours!”  

Guess when you’re smoking hot all the time, it’s nice to get all ugly and scary for one day a year, huh, hon?

We also asked Heidi about the rumor she’ll be performing a song with hub-unit Seal at the Victoria’s Secret Show next month. “People will have to watch it and find out!” she exclaimed, all evasive. That so means yes! Think Heidi’s pipes are up to par?  

Much more girlie gab with Heidi tomorrow, including whether she’s doing her own album anytime soon and the now infamous Seal in spandex story, can't wait! For more questionable quirkiness, though, do read on:

Dear Ted:
Is it just me, or is Zac Efron morphing into Jared Leto?
  Colleen
  Dallas

Dear Det. Girlie:
Well, sweets, ain’t just you, but we must say even though we’re sure the eyeliner’s a mere minute away for Zac, Jared wishes he had bi’s (as in 'ceps) like Efron’s.

Dear Ted:
Loved the blurb on Scarlett Johansson and what she gave Ryan Reynolds for his birthday! Being a Sag myself, I felt a kindred spirit with her. I gave a talent manager I was particularly fond of a similar gift for his special day—think the movie Jade and what the pillboxes contained and you are on the right track.
  Michael S.

Dear Blue Clues:
Okay, so Scar reportedly gave Ry one of her wisdom teeth, gold-plated, and you gifted your dude with a mold of your privates, is that it?

Dear Ted:
Tom Cruise made his war flick Valkyrie for one reason: to get his foot in the door in Germany. It worked. They've turned him away for years because of Scientology, but dangle a war hero in their face and they caved. No matter what kind of slant Cruise puts on his flick, Col. Claus von Stauffenberg was no hero. He only tried to kill Hitler because he thought Hitler was going insane and losing the war.
  Diana
  Atlanta

Dear Desk Perturbed:
Oh, darling, Tommy's career is in Matt Damon's toilet, isn't that enough to please you?

Dear Ted:
Is Sha-Sha Shimmy from One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills Blind Vice Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls? They call her a "triple threat," and she's considered one of the prettiest women in T-town.
  Maria
  Phoenix

Dear Mucho Close:
Nope, ain’t N.S., but doll-cup, you sure are in the right T&A range...

Dear Ted:
Holy crap! I just spit out my drink laughing at your description of Kirstie Alley. ”A deranged Patriots linebacker in drag” has to be one of the most hilarious and unbelievably articulate grouping of words strung together in the English language!
  Jennifer
  Long Beach, California

Dear Peachy Beachy:
You should see what Kirstie’s good bud John Travolta looks like in a Carmen Miranda towel-turban at the gym...

Dear Ted:
Why don't you lay off Brad Pitt, already? He's not a woman, he's a dad, what he wanted to be for years. Why don't you call Will Smith a woman? He's rarely ever seen anywhere without Jada.
  N.T.
  San Francisco

Dear Okay:
Nope, we’ll leave it to you, thanks.

Dear Ted:
First you said everyone in the free world would drop their teeth when Toothy's out, and now you're saying he's less established than Hugh Jackman?
  Nancy
  Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Det. Molar:
Certainly career- and box-office-wise, yes. But darling, that leaves a whole lotta room for homo-happy trail-hunting ground!

Dear Ted:
Why don't you take a valium, drink a beer and stop bitching about Britney Spears? We don't care! How about following the ones who are really pissing everybody off? Like you, Ted.  Lauralei
  Buena Vista, Colorado

Dear Taco Bell Snob:
Oh, eat my sober chute. 

Dear Ted:
I threw up when I saw Jake with Reese.
  Jeremy
  Chandler, Arizona

Dear Smelly Keyboard:
Then I suggest you stop reading the rags for the upcoming six-month period (max)—unless you want to ruin hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of equipment.

Dear Ted:
Thank you for your positive response about complying with animal shelter policies.
  Judie
  Hicksville, New York

Dear Right On:
You bet, babe. And even though Ellen’s primo to a lotta pets, she should know better than to hand them off without notifying the shelter where she got them.

Dear Ted:
Really wish that you wouldn't blame all Texans for George W. Bush's idiotic tendencies. Maybe you dislike Texas for more than one reason, but definitely know that most of us here in Texas disagree with GWB's antics.
  Tina
  Austin, Texas

Dear Lone Star Supporter:
Ain’t enough of you for my bitchy tastes, but I’ll try and watch it for ya, darlin’!

Dear Ted:
Sha-Sha Shimmy has to be the bootylicious Beyoncé! I feel bad for the poor girl!
  Liana
  Orlando, Florida

Dear Booty-Comber:
We would, too, if we had to wear those slutty caftan jobs Mama Knowles is always designing for her, but B ain’t our pooped-out girl, you’ll be relieved to hear. Not quite as successful, but just as pretty and curvy.

Dear Ted:
I know you can never acknowledge this, but Corny Beef from One Lamentable Blind Vice is so Adam Sandler! I finally got one!
  Scott C.
  Louisville, Kentucky

Dear All About Adam:
Really? 'Cause the movie-star dude who wishes he’d come outta the closet before he procreated and married is so not Sandler. Wrong everything, especially the look. Think more dashing.

Dear Ted:
Why are you so mean to Jenna Jameson?
  Cynthia
  Fountain Hills, Arizona

Dear Mr. Jameson:
Jenna can take it, we assure you.

Dear Ted:
Regarding One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills. First of all, yuck. Second, I will die happy if I never have to read about another unfortunate laccident. Or is that laxident? Either way: Eww. And I thought I had problems.
  H.P.
  Portland, Oregon

Dear Portland-a-Potty:
You do. It's called rain.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the tip on the Sharkwater documentary. Such a wonderful way to end a column that began with Heidi and Spencer. I gag a little when I see or read about them...but I still look!
  Tambi
  Sebastopol, California

Dear Don’t We Know It:
Thanks, same thing happens to us with Brit-Brit’s muffin.