Father Knows Best?

What’s the bad habit newly anointed father of the year Kevin Federline can’t seem to kick? Plus, readers put Lauren Conrad on blast, and we’ve got a freebie-siphoning and sexually swinging (natch) Blind Vice all for the tacky taking!

For everyone who might have crossed over to the dark side, aka Team K-Fed, in light of the recent events surrounding Britney Spears, thought we should let you know Kevin is far from perfect. Like, a real news flash there, eh? A worker bee who recently had the dubious honor of escorting Kevs from his Tarzana mansion (which is gigantic, by the by, and in a gated community, all that early-century Mediterranean grotesqueness, you know) and shuttling him to the airport reports Federline’s manners are less than stellar. Shocking.

First off, Kev didn’t tip a damn dollar. Who the ef does he think he is, Posh? I know, I know, this nongratuity bit is such the surprise. Shouldn’t have been though, as K.F. had buttloads o’ bags that the handler ferried for him. But more important, Federline didn’t listen when his chauffeur politely requested that he finish his ciggie before getting into the car.

“Our cars are nonsmoking,” hissed the pissed-off driver. “And not only did he bring the cigarette in the car, but he kept smoking them the whole way there. Not just one…about five or so!”

How rude…keep the cancer to yourself, ‘kay, Kevin? Let’s hope he’s not nearly so blasé about smoking around the little ones. And since Britney is supposedly going to start having mandatory drug tests, why shouldn’t K-Fed be required to take them, too? Add nicotine and money-grubbing screens to all the judge and legal screening the couple’s so publicly enduring right now, we say! Jeez. Isn’t this the same dude who has, on occasion, stunk up his own musical rep with weed? Hey, what’s good for the crucified goose is good for the supposedly sainted gander.

“It did what it needed to do.”

—Sheryl Lee Ralph, one of the original Broadway Dreamgirls, talking about the movie Dreamgirls to yours truly after we taped Chelsea Handler’s show, Chelsea Lately

As SLR is embarking on her annual Divas Simply Singing AIDS benefit this weekend at the Wilshire Ebell (along with fellow Dreamgirls Jennifer Holliday and Loretta Devine, who snagged a part in the Beyoncé flick), thought I’d get her to weigh in on the movie I always felt was just this side of sensational.

“It just didn’t have the passion of the girls,” said Sheryl Lee, all chic in black and a pony. I told her I couldn’t agree more…that we knew everything 'bout Eddie Murphy's delicious fall from grace, but we really didn’t have one friggin’ iota how the hell Beyoncé got to Bev Hills, or Jennifer Hudson to the ghetto, for that matter.

“But it got a whole new generation staging shows,” added Ms. R. “And I am cashin’ those checks!” No wonder that bitch ain’t bitter.

Marital P.S.: “Stay married,” Ralph insisted, once we had finished dissecting Britney’s failed unions and latest life, and after I told the leggy looker I was recently engaged. Ralph thinks too many folks run when the less glittery stuff gets rough. Oh, hell, Britney’s been running from Lynne Spears for about a decade now, if you think about it.

Good luck in pre-hab, Brit!

Lauren Conrad, hope you’re not planning any trips to Chicago anytime soon. Angry masses of Midwest-dwelling readers wrote us in droves after we ran your quote about Middle America being “less open” to more forward ideas, such as a female prez, than us Angelenos. Peeps from Kansas to Iowa want you to know, Lauren dear, that there are liberals aplenty in between the coastal regions, thankyouverymuchmissbitch, and that Hillary and Barack have tons of support in the Heartland. We think Red from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, put it best:

“Has this self-absorbed twit ever stepped foot off the West Coast? Honey, we have more openness and intelligence in the Midwest than you could understand or your Fendi bag can carry! Keep talking about something you know: yourself and your shallow life.”

But then Martha from Overland Park, Kansas, wants the last e-laugh, as it were: 

“Slap Lauren for the Midwest liberals, please!”  

Oh, (painful) snap! Maybe all the smog’s gotten to L.C.’s perfectly highlighted little head?

Can you guess which sexually swinging, freebie-loving duo is so hooked on their swag, they seem to feel they don't have to pay for their purchases? Get ready gumshoes, it's Blind Vice Friday!