Stumps 'n' Chumps

We're all hot and bothered over The Hills today. What's real and what's not on this reality offering? Plus, Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port talk politics, Mike Tyson is apparently still dateable (yuck) and Eva Longoria's peeps explain her absence!

How disgusting can we get? Not only is Mike Tyson deflowering while he detoxes over at one of the $40,000-a-week beachy rehab centers, Eva Longoria’s reps are fairly cracked out themselves over the Liz Taylor item we ran Monday. Which desultory sitch first?

The woman abuser, I say. So, a friend of mine is actually dating the dude who scared the merde outta Robin Givens. How sick is that? I wanna say, “Girlfriend, are you high?” but I know she’s not, so I just don’t go there. Still, just do not get how some babes can hook up with these freakazoids who mistreat women. But then O.J. still gets some, right? So, what the ef do I know? Just that a guy’s fame and endowment seem to overrule his heinous rep in some women’s minds.

I am also acutely aware that Longoria’s peeps are seething since we reported about how Eva nixed on gifting Liz Taylor with her big Macy’s humanitarian award last week, for Taylor’s lifetime commitment to fighting AIDS/HIV. Camp Spitfire assures us Longoria was “never committed,” which we originally published. Not only are E.L.’s reps reiterating this fact, they’re now claiming Eva may have never even been aware of the original invite to present, as she gets over “500 invitations” a week.

My. What pressure.

Further, sources close to Tony Parker’s missus claim the new bride was mistakenly offered up for the awards presentation by someone who never could have provided the star’s attendance come showtime. What nerve!

Still, Eva’s reps did not specify exactly what Eva did with her evening last Thursday, as an alternative to showing up to help finish off this hideous epidemic—only that she never promised but would have “loved” to have done so.

Really? Isn’t proof in the presence?

Just asking.

Back on that Declare Yourself do we mentioned last week. Get a load of what was almost as eyebrow-raising as the Hills filming what was going on outside the bash. First off, crew members have portable monitors strapped around their necks. Executive producer Adam Divello watches the footage playback and gives the gals notes between takes. We saw them redo one scene with Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port sipping drinks and talking at least a few times. And L.C. says she’s no good at acting. Ha! As funny as Eva Longoria’s dog-ate-her-RSVP-calendar excuse!

So, duh. Some of the show is scripted, but here are a few things we do think are true: It seems Lauren and Heidi Montag genuinely hate each other. I’m sure everyone finds that as much of a relief as do we. Indeed, after their heated exchange, Heidi and her new sidekick stalked out of the party, while Lauren and Whitney cracked up behind her back. Nasty! Lauren and Whitney hung around for a while after filming (my cohort Hollywood Party Girl's got more on that salty sitch), but Heidi was long gone. There was def no camaraderie off camera between the two former femme-friends.

Look, we gossers are gaga over The Hills, really, so please forgive this unofficial special column informally put together as a nail-clawing tribute to the boob-tube treat. ‘Cause, ya see, it also appears Whitney P really is the brightest blondie-babe o’ the bunch. At least that’s what we think after asking what issues she’s most concerned about in the upcoming election: “I think the two main ones right now are obviously the abortion rights, and I think it’s really important that women have the rights that they deserve,” Whit answered, as if she weren’t a member of her own sex, but whatev.

“And health insurance is also a big thing right now,” Whit-hon continued, like a beacon of scarlet wisdom in her vibrant frock and high heels. “I think all citizens of the United States, no matter who they are, should have equal rights to it.”

Whitney for Ms. America!

Lauren’s answer to the same query was less articulate: “Honestly, I haven’t done all my research yet,” she fessed. “I’ve been so busy, but I’m going to get to it.”

You do that, g-f.

Whitney also went all "gal power" when asked if she thought we’re ready for a female prez. “I’m not gonna say whether Hillary Clinton is the one for the job," she replied, "but I think a woman is just as capable as a man.”  

Again, Lauren’s answer was lacking. “I think it would be so awesome,” she offered. How deep! We decided to switch gears and talk about something the girls are more familiar with: their show.

“It’s not a job, but it makes our lives a little more hectic,” Lauren said, when asked if making their big-ass, semistaged hit series was actually (gasp!) work. “We have to get miked, then we go and film. It’s almost like second nature. I know if I’m walking into a room to kind of walk slowly so they can reposition the camera. We’re kinda trained to do it that way.”

And we had to ask Whitney if she’s sick of being portrayed as the squeaky-clean good girl, 'cause we’ve heard she doesn’t always keep her nose so polished off camera.

“I have no complaints about being portrayed as the good girl,” she said. “It’s better than being portrayed as the bad girl, but I can have fun, too.”  

Stay tuned to this very missive on how she does it (and tries to hide it).

Oh, before we go out with yet more Hills hooey, asked two outspoken babes back at the 25th Annual Macy’s Passport AIDS charity auction what never goes outta style. My E! sis Niecy Nash blurted, rather Eva-like, I thought, “My boobs.”

But that other bosomy barker Taylor (who, during her acceptance speech, denounced the Bush regime’s stance on AIDS) sassed-replied back to me, “Speaking up!”

Amen to that one, Ms. T.