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Does formerly behind-bars babe Paris Hilton have any advice for recently arrested O.J. Simpson? We dish on the DirecTV do...Plus, we check in with peeps who always have something sassy to say—Awful readers!
James Gandolfini

Bobby Bank/WireImage.com

Seems so much happening at the Emmys scene—during and postposturing—was about what wasn’t onscreen, as is usually the sitch with the best scuttlebutt, right? Many of my colleagues were so put out that spoilsport Sopranos hons James Gandolfini and Edie Falco wouldn’t join the after-celebration with their castmates backstage when the goodbye show won top honors. All because Edie and Jimmy lost out in their own acting categories. Well, if pudgy James Spader beat my (even pudgier) butt yet again, not sure I’d do anything diff.
Paris Hilton: Direct TV Party

AP Photo/Dan Steinberg

Acting slightly more cooperative but, eh, just as cantankerous, perhaps, was Paris Hilton. Over at the DirecTV-Brent Bolthouse blowout across from the HBO gig, which we hit in the Emmys blog, natch. Once P-hon was done embarrassing Frankie Muniz by having her slightly more hefty cleavage (don’t think plastic surgery here, sweeties, just think sustenance, something the doll’s trying out fer a change) tower above his slightly sweating nostrils, P chatted with moi.
Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein

Jesse Grant/WireImage.com

Don’t think it was easy though, between the overwhelming thud of DJ AM’s gargantuan woofers (second only to Muniz’s woofings at Pare-poo) and Ms. H.’s beefy goon-guards, but chat we did. Oh, and did I forget to tell all you goss gals ‘n’ guys P made a play for my partner, Jon?

“Hi, sexy,” Paris cooed at J, by my side. Protecting the b-f quickly (I shielded him with a sea of black Armani, i.e., my tux jacket—after all, P, who was apparently dateless, what with Adrian Grenier off getting down with some chica elsewhere, has got a reputation with man-floppin’, right?), I asked the former jailbirdie what advice she had for O.J. Simpson, recent back-to-bars heathen.
“What?” P.H. asked back, not hearing me over the seductive boom of Britney Spears’ “Gimme More”—so appropriate, really.
I repeated the question. This time a rather evil smile came across the infamous puss o’ Paris, cross-legged in her gold lamé and matching do-me heals. “Nothing.”
OJ Simpson

Courtesy Las Vegas Police Dept.

“You sure about that?” I asked, fearing Mr. Simpson—who, I added, might be in the clinker far longer than Paris could ever dream to be—desperately need some survival tips from such a knowing inmate. “No help for O.J.?”
“No,” blurted P-babe, grinning even more, sealing the reported killer’s latest fate further, I’m sure. It was an Emmy-worthy moment, I assure you. Feel like some award-winning bitchy back talk? I sure do! Let’s check out the mailbag!
Jerry Lewis

Jerzy Dabrowski/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
You are such a hypocrite. I see you wasted no time in mentioning Isaiah Washington's "F" remark in your piece on Ellen Pompeo, but still, ne'er a word on Jerry Lewis using the same word. Was it a black thing with you?
  Sonia
  San Diego
Dear Racial Rant:
Uh, no, it's a he's so old and out of it, clearly he's senile thing—not to mention, Lewis ain't exactly my beat. Do you see me doing items on hideous toe tapper Larry Craig, for ince? Regardless, you are correct. I need to denounce Lewis' stupidity, just as I do Washington's. My apologies for not doing so sooner.
Bill Clinton

Dan Herrick/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Bill Clinton.
  Laura
  Lake Butler, Florida

Dear Deluded:
Hope you're joking, 'cause Billy-boy is about as hetero as they come. Just ask stained-dress Monica Lewinsky. T2's far more likely to be the one wearing the skirt.
Drew Barrymore

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Hmmm....my first guess ever at a Blind Vice! Could Bored Broomhilda from One Anchovies On the Side Blind Vice be Drew Barrymore?
  Meridith
  Austin, Texas

 

Dear Vice Virgin:
Not a terrible first try, but wrong-a-roonie just the same, sweetie-cakes. B.B. does come from a semifamous fam, though, just like Drew B.
Anne Heche

Jerome Ware/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
The first couple I thought of in the One Anchovies on the Side Blind Vice was Anne Heche and James Tupper. She certainly seems to go in whatever direction she thinks will move her career along.
  Lyle
  Anchorage, Alaska
Dear Wrong Igloo:
Anne did like the ladies back in the day (reportedly), but she's not our girlie-gunnin' gal. Unlike Annie 'n' James, Bored 'n' Buzz are still together...for now.
Justin Timberlake

Axel/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Finally understand what you've been saying about Justin Timberlake. He canceled the concert I'm supposed to be at tonight at the last minute because of "vocal strain." Considering the VMAs were last night...no explanation needed. The fact that he would do that (to fans who spent a good deal of money, mind you) just because he had to stay out partying all night is disgusting. Doesn't he know who got him to where he is now? Think he's due for a Britney-type karma payback anytime soon?
  Lucy
  Sacramento, California
Dear Bringin' Bitchy Back:
Sorry you didn't get to see J.T. onstage, but Justin actually didn't grace any VMA after-parties at all and instead opted to hit his hotel room early with Jessica Biel. Maybe the boy's actually sick? Or just schtupped out? Isn't that a good enough excuse?
Brad Pitt, Maddox

INFphoto.com

Dear Ted:
Oh wise one, what is your take on Brad Pitt's sudden urge to explain his leaving Jennifer Aniston...and why now?
  Dianne
  Dallas

Dear Southern Squawk:
Maybe our boy's having dumper's remorse? Or maybe he read in the rags that Angie was overheard talkin' smack about him and wanted to piss her off? With dudes being so predictable as they are, though, I vote the former. Plus, clearly, he sees the same will be done to him?
Britney Spears

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I hate to keep bringing up her name, but is Britney Spears Broomhilda? If not Britney, then Paris Hilton? Either way, I wouldn't be shocked. Not in Hell-Ay.
  Marcy
  Dallas
Dear Sapphic Sleuth:
Broom's not Brit or Paris...she's actually a little older but gets just as many (if not more) tabloid headlines. Can you possibly imagine?
Nicole Kidman

James Devaney/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Maybe Nicole Kidman is yapping away in Vanity Fair now because she's still trying to one-up Tom? She's just using her new husband to put that "I'm still young and desirable" thing out there. She's jealous of TomKat.
  Dawn
  Tampa, Florida
Dear Professor Tabloid:
Interesting theory, but jealous of Katie, I assure you Nic is not.
Barbara Bush

Jason Moore/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Congratulations on your pending nuptials, and please leave Barbara Bush out of the gab crossfire. She has a hard enough time, as it is, and I know/suspect/feel, deep down in your heart, you're not that cold. Buddy boy (GWB) has his coming soon enough with what is sure to be a horrible report card in history.
  Don
  Austin/Georgetown, Texas

Dear Grandma Apologist:
Oh please, don't you know Babs has the biggest potty mouth of all them designing Bushes? Wouldn't cry for her, babes, if I were you.  
Heath Ledger, Michelle Williams

Tom Wargacki/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Did Toothy Tile break up Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams?
  Gabriella
  West Hollywood, California
Dear Split Snoop:
Nice try, but, uh, no.
David Beckham

Mike Black/UPPA/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
Naughty Teddy, you tease us with David Beckham penis paydirt...then neglect to tell us how big his little Beckham is! So, is he a tripod or a teeny weenie? Inquiring minds must know!
  Rebecca
  Chicago
Dear Inquirer Down Below:
Look on the Internet, darlin', it ain't phallic shopped, I assure you.
Paris Hilton

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
"[Bush]...likes to send our soldiers off to be killed..." Wow. Way, way below the belt and just plain wrong, even coming from you. I love everything about your column, except for your hatred of our president and your love of Paris Hilton. I overlook a lot, but even you can't seriously believe your own idiotic comment?
  Carolann
  Tupelo, Mississippi

Dear Missed in Miss:
Try me. (And don't think Sally Field would disagree with me, either.)