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From backstabbers in Vegas (hey, with Britney onstage, wasn't hard) to bitch-mailers in Awfulville, girl- and boyfriends, do we have a feedback frenzy for you!
Britney Spears Video Music Awards

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.om

So, maybe Kanye West was right. After all the fanfare and hoopla surrounding Britney's opening VMA performance, she seriously let everyone down. Damn. You'd think if someone wasn't singing at all, or even attempting to lip-synch, they'd dance their semisizable ass off. Not Brit-Brit. She barely made it through her choreographed moves and looked like she was unsteady and about to fall over in a few spots, 'course. 
Sarah Silverman

John Shearer/WireImage.com

The audience response to her unispired performance was hardly enthusiastic. Not to mention Sarah Silverman's skewering of the pop tart as soon as she left the stage. "Have you seen her kids?" she asked the audience. "They're the cutest mistakes ever."

Shar Jackson

Amy Graves/WireImage.com

Ouch. At least the B.S. offspring weren't around to hear that one. On the red carpet earlier, Shar Jackson told us Kevin was home on daddy duty (teaching them how to party up properly, that is) and that she was actually rooting for Brit. "I hope she murders it tonight!" she enthused. "I hope everyone who doubts her, that she proves them all wrong." Well, that clearly didn't happen.

Kevin Federline

Jeff Frank/ZUMApress.com

Shar also gave props to K-Fed when we asked about his guest spot on One Tree Hill. "I have friends who work on it, and they're calling me going, 'Omigod, he can really act!' So, I think he's gonna do an amazing job."

Never thought you'd see the day when Kevin's got more going career-wise than Britney, now did you? Well, scratch that one, and let's get to some actually more ponderous brain activities, 'kay?

Britney Spears

INFphoto.com

Dear Ted:
OMG! Your sorry-assed brain is tryin' so damn hard to sound "with it" that we can't even understand what the hell you're sayin'! Try English sometime. I used to love your column, but it's getting stupider by the minute! Those six suggestions for Britney were so lame. You've got a whole lot of talent, but you're throwin' it away on stupid things. And what in the hell is punim? You could at least put it in your screwed-up dictionary. 
  Vicki Czerwinski
  Montclair, New Jersey

Dear Dic-Brain:
Punim? It's that thing that just turned red—ya know, your face, darling. So, Britney shaves her head, Lindsay crashes her existence, and I'm stupid for mangling the English language? Get your priorities straightened up, my little puss-pet!  

P.S.: Punim is in the Awful Decoder, by the bitchy by. 

Question Mark Silouette

Dear Ted:
In your last Toothy tidbit you mentioned T.T. went to some big mags to talk about a story. Is this guy that famous or is the shocker his macho facade?      
  Susan
  Denver

Dear Status Q:
He's pretty big time in Tinseltown and beyond, trust.

Ted Casablanca

E! Networks

Dear Ted:
Have you ever been the subject of a Blind Vice?     
  Mary
  Morrison, Colorado

Dear Clever Snooper:
Yes. 

Jane Lynch

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
While I totally agree with Jane Lynch and her efforts to protect puppies from such horrible lives, there are others out there suffering just as much. Why do we applaud the people like Angelina and Madonna for adopting babies from other countries, when they could be doing so much for orphans in our own country? Children with costly disabilities like dwarfism and disfiguration are pushed through foster programs until they "age out" and become homeless. These actors have the money to help these kids, yet they go unnoticed for being less than perfect. 
  Sarah
  Bellevue, Ohio

Dear Barking Mad:
I'm not sure what this growl has to do with adopting mutts, but darling, I do like your point.

Josh Hartnett

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Harkness Hose has to be Josh Hartnett, am I right? By the way, I love your column!  
  Cindy
  Chicago

Dear Just Joshin':
Josh may be a horndog, but he's not our Web-browsing boy.

George Bush, Laura Bush

Sharkpixs/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
I just wanted to know if you noticed in recent pics of the prez and his missus bowing their heads in silence for Hurricane Katrina victims that they were noticeably far from each other and nowhere near affectionate. It kinda looks as if they were two total strangers!     
  Taffey
  Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Writings on the Wall:
Uh, isn't that precisely what we've been reporting about them for eons here in Awful land?

Owen Wilson

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Can't help but love your column. However, felt a little uncomfortable with the phrase suicide sitch in regard to Owen Wilson's ordeal. I think the incredible pain he is feeling right now can't really be summed up as a sitch. Not trying to be a bitch. Sorry.
  Ursula
  Chicago

Dear No Apology Needed:
Darling, sitch is merely short for situation. It's not meant to demean or downplay the seriousness of it all.

Dear Ted:
The person who wrote about the benefits of fish oil outweighing the risks of toxic metals in pregnant women is incorrect. Many doctors will tell a pregnant woman to limit the amount of tuna, in particular for fear of mercury poisoning to the fetus. Most salmon contain high levels of PCBs and are not entirely safe either.  
  Adrianne
  Marietta, Georgia

Dear Smells Fishy:
The debate about eating seafood continues…Glad no one here at the Awful Truth is expecting! Pass the rainbow roll.

Anderson Cooper

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Anderson Cooper? Hope this is not a repeat question. If he is, it is a sad day for the ladies in the house to lose such a hunk from our drool list.      
  MJack
  Houston

Dear Randy for Andy:
The Coop ain't T.T.—think far more drool-ville.

Lindsay Lohan

Jayson Mellom/The Tribute/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Lindsay Lohan: The Movie...starring Courtney Love as Dina, Tom Arnold as Michael and Dakota Fanning as Lindsay…What do you think, Ted? Whom would you cast in this gotta-be-on-Lifetime movie?      
  Mimi
  Austin, Texas 

Dear Deluded:
Honey, Dakota is way too presh and innocent to play the trainwreck L.L.'s become.  

Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com, Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Are Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady for real, or just for Q (I don't mean quarterback) ratings? How much are they working the tabloid media, and how much of the slime being spewed about Bridget Moynahan originates from them? 
  Curious Sports Fan
  Boston

Dear Dubious:
Pretty sure Gis 'n' Tom are the real deal. Who wouldn't wanna hook up with a smokin' hot supermodel? And what slime is being spewed about Bridget? Seems to me she's got a pretty good rep in the media lately. She's like the new Jennifer Aniston or something, in terms of gals we feel for.

Jesse Metcalfe

Ferdaus Shamim/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
After all the hype over Toothy Tile, the reveal better be good. Jesse Metcalfe? Who cares?!      
  Fiona
  Burlington, Vermont

Dear Payday Gayday:
Uh, nope to J.M. (obvs), and if Tooth-doll ever decides to come out, you and your mother in Arkansas will most definitely care.