We serve up a sizzlin' plate of Sick-Sick Six possibly perf endorsements Pete Wentz can put his punim on, besides Ashlee Simpson's ass, 'course. Plus, Borat gets more than a hand during his yoga sesh, while another flamboyant fellow, Harkness Hose, proves in today's Blind Vice to be just as agile with another body part!
Too fun ’n’ feisty Heidi Klum hijinks next column, including not so amusing topics like anorexia in H-town, and other things that make the cojones-equipped chica shake her finger—love what success does for a honey, don't you?—but, my hot haute babes, this missive’s about the smoldering dudes on display (and I’m not just talkin’ a particularly slippery stud-for-sex Blind Vice, either). So, let’s strut, unzip and go, ‘kay?
OMG, totally bum-gyrating news! Pete Wentz, Fall Out Boy bassist, arm candy to Ashlee Simpson and accidental Internet exhibitionist, has signed with a modeling agency. A fancy-schmancy announcement went out to fashion folk announcing Petey is available for editorial and fashion endorsements. Hire him for your next schlong-swingin’ bachelorette party now! Seriously, though (at least, as serious as it gets at AT-ville), here’s our Sick-Sick Six list of things we think Pete is just perf to endorse:
6. Guyliner: You know, as in black eyeliner but for dudes. Petey-poo always smudges the smoky stuff onto his eyes, and it’s become his signature look. Some marketing wizzes should make liner just for men, so they don’t have to dig into their chicks' makeup bags anymore, and get Pete to be the face o' the bitchin’ new brand. Brills!
5. T-Mobile Sidekick: This little device, so popular with the Hollywood set, is what Pete used to take pics of his privates, which somehow ended up all over everbody’s laps, I mean laptops. P.W. could encourage the rest of Tinseltown to take pics of their own nether regions and release them, instead of waiting for paparazzi to snap them exiting a car. That’ll show those upskirt snappers, right, Britney Spears?
4. Skinny Jeans: Since this guy currently wears jeans tighter than Victoria Beckham's, he should represent the threads, already. Plus, with all the contracts certain fallen celebs have lost and Lindsay Lohan is bound to lose due to her little DUI scandals, some denim company should be needing a spokesmodel very soon.
3. Hair Products: This guy’s coif always looks like it’s been loaded with goop, slicked, spiked and flat-ironed to pissy perfection. He can even have his own line of hair extensions, à la Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton! Classy.
2. Pens: Because this dude’s got oodles of tatts, he could so totally give inky Bics some street cred, right? Kids can draw their own temporary tattoos on, just like Pete’s!
1. Condoms: And since Trojan, so far, apparently declines to sponsor this column’s Blind Vice section (which advertises penis-pokin’ activities out the wacky wazoo), I thereby cede my raincoat-sportin’ biz desires to Mr. W. Till the end of the summer, at least. A magnum magnifique idea, n'est-ce pas?
Oh, before we get to a particularly greasy Blind Vice (I swear, it’s a wonder my Eucharistic mama, Mariah Casablanca, still has not disowned me, though it’s a matter of time, I’m certain), must let you know that ass-slappin’ wrestler Borat was acting all bum-kissed, supergalore style, for yesterday’s yoga session at the Meridian Sports Club. See, Mr. Cohen was aided for the little photo shoot we told you about by not one, two, three, four or five agents—but six.
Yep, a total of a half-dozen prissy suit types just to do a little photo series. I swear, that’s an inside spoof job I’d like to see some Hollywood-lampooning dude take on next. And since Borat appears so busy living that overdone dream, uh, perhaps we should send in Michael Moore for the job?