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Uh, before we get to your loudmouthed behinds for Whip-Ted Tuesday (reader mail, natch), let's find out from certain Hollywood stars why the hell celebs are getting married and remarried so friggin' much—we might as well be on Oprah's couch, already!
Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMApress.com

Designers Viktor & Rolf celebrated their too chic collaboration with Euro cheap-stylin' H&M store Friday night in a wedding-themed bash. And I must say that this par-tick event was way glitzier than most real weddings I've attended. The ersatz fete took place at an über-posh, private Bel-Air estate, complete with cake cutting and bouquet tossing, too fab!

Yo, and with all the (redo) wedding brouhaha goin' down, thanks to TomKat and Brangelina, among others, I was curious to know why Hollywood hitchings are so damn short-lived?

Shanna Moakler

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

I mean, even though this'll be Katie-doll's first, it'll so not be the same for Brad (second), Tom (third) or Angelina (third). Therefore, I queried someone who should know: the supersweet Shanna Moakler, who recently split with hubby Travis Barker.

"I think Hollywood is actually a really small, small town..." she mused, as a sort of nonexplanation, as far as I was concerned, but what-ev.
 
"And I think a lot of people date the same people, which is really weird." Gosh, could Ms. M. be talkin' about Paris' goings-on with Trav, perchance? On second thought, surely not.
 
"I'm starting to date now, and I have someone that I'm kinda seeing seriously," Shan-babe dished to us, completely getting off track from my most important query.
 
"He's not from L.A., which makes it all the better," S. continued, making it perfectly clear even to an old H-town idiot like moi that—per usual—celebrity chitchat seldom goes anywhere in this incestuous enclave, unless it entirely revolves around the chitter-chatterer him- or herself. Unspoken rule.
 
More wow-wedding and randy hookup reports tomorrow, but till then, got this week's totally humble (yeah, right) check-in from Awful readers. Read vaingloriously on:

Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie

Alpha X-Photon/X17online.com

Dear Ted:
I now wince every time you bring up Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie. Maybe if we all stop talking about their latest party misbehaviors, they would simply disappear! The awful truth is, it's getting just too old and predictable and boring, doncha know.
  Lyne
  Montreal

Dear Wishful Thinker:
Hello, Nic just checked into a hospital for help with her dwindling weight...Are you gonna tell me you honestly aren't curious to know what the diagnosis is? And Paris ain't goin' anywhere, trust.

T.R. Knight

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
So, Jiggly Wiggle-Poof in One Homo-Helper Blind Vice must be the celebrated, puppy-dog-eyed T.R. Knight of Grey's Anatomy ("supersuccessful boob-tube show"). Not that it's any of our business, but it seems he broke the news to People. You are always on top of the game!
  Kat
  Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Grey's Guesser:
Nice try, hon, but Jiggly ain't T.R. About the same on the recognition radar, though, but before all this brouhaha began.

Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn

Art Seitz/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
You are so wrong about Vince and Jennifer. Do you read People? Frankly, I believe People magazine is the best source and way ahead of your news. You must be the last to know.
  Paula
  Cleveland, Ohio

Dear Clueless in Cleveland:
If you believe publicist-sanctioned People mag is the "best source" round, then you also prolly believe everything that comes out of reps' mouths, too, even when they're lyin' their asses off for their clients. And do ya think it's any coincidence all this "breakup" BS is goin' down right as The Break-Up comes out on DVD?

Gary Coleman, Shannon Price

AP Photo/Richard Drew

Dear Ted:
How come Angelina Jolie gets lauded for adopting babies from foreign lands and Madonna gets lambasted?
  Madeline G.
  NYC

Dear Touché:
Darling, I've been wondering the exact same thing, which is why I asked Bahar Soomekh that question at the Hollywood Awards. Maybe 'cause Angie did it first?

Ashton Kutcher

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You are the first thing I read every morning, and I miss you on the weekend. Now, for my guess—I think Ashton Kutcher is Pussy Gabor in One Spouse-Whipped Blind Vice. Am I right?
  Nicole
  Belmar, New Jersey

Dear N-Femme:
Closer than I care to admit, can I say that much?

Dear Ted:
You are so right about Deb Scranton deserving Best Documentary for The War Tapes—too bad there isn't an Academy Award for the unit (C/3 172 Mountain Infantry out of Milton, New Hampshire) who helped make it! That's my husband's unit, and according to him, Deb gave a fair, balanced view of what the guys are feeling over there. Kudos to you, Ted, for giving it a mention in your so wonderfully awful column!
  Rachel
  Rochester, New Hampshire

Dear Dollcup:
Glad you agree with me, babe, and here's hopin' your hubby comes home safe and supersoon.

Brody Jenner

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is it me, or is Brody Jenner going to be the next Brandon Davis? Overexposed, dating hot chicas, and running out his 15 minutes?
  J.

Dear Deluded:
Uh, have you seen pics of these two? Brandon is greasy and bloated, while Brody is hot and humpable. And Cristina Gibson, who has run into both boys around T-town, reports Brandon is an "obnoxious douchebag," but Brody is "polite and a pleasure." Although, I must say Brod-stud's star-climbing status is becoming a bit too obvious.

Isaiah Washington

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I just read that T.R. Knight came out of the closet. I also just read that Isaiah Washington had some unpleasant words to say to him before the McScuffle. Please say these two items aren't related.
  Regina
  Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Duh:
Sad but true. Ain't homo haters the worst?

Janet Jackson

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Love ya, but lay off the Janet bashing. As if the asinine reviews of her superb new album and that interview with that idiot Matt Lauer weren't enough. Let the girlfriend poo in peace. It's a perk of being famous & fantastic at 40, baby.
  T.M.
  Sacramento, California

Dear Do Not Disturb:
Only because she has to put up with that hid-e-ous bro of hers will I relent on your point regarding Ms. Jackson.

Tom Cruise

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I have noticed you've mentioned Tom Cruise as having potential to win an Oscar and yourself as one of the few people left who believe in him. What exactly do you see in Cruise, talent-wise? 
  Candy

Dear Sour:
He's like those bad boys we're supposed to stay away from, romantically speaking, but of course, we seldom do. Ever seen T.C. in Collateral or Magnolia? Because when Katie's honey is nasty, he's beyond convincing, and that's precisely where Mr. C.'s unsung, Academy Award-worthy goods lie, in my opinion.

Whitney Houston

WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I nominate this sentence as the most creative, hilarious, side-splitting sentence of the year: 

"Gotta give it to gal-friend Whit for the guh-reatest downfall in T-town history, at least, oh, I dunno, say, since Candy Spelling decided to procreate."

I seriously thought I might not recover after I read that thing!  Please use it again when referring to the Hiltons, Lohans and/or Simpsons. Now, here's my prob. Our entire office is still working on the Traceless Turncoat identity. Could you possibly do another Blind Vice about her? Thanks, Ted, and keep up the good work!
  Shawni
  Coral Gables, Florida

Dear Bum-Licking Detective:
Don't worry, Ms. T. is hard at work right now pulling something so crassly despicable, we'll have another Blind Vice goodie in no time!

Keith Urban

Laura Farr/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
To me the Keith-in-rehab reeks of publicity stunt. He was due to do a bunch of media to promote the soon-to-be-released CD—chances are, the number one question on every interviewer's lips would have been something to do with the missus. Doesn't hurt the bad-boy image either, considering that part has taken a bit of a battering lately.
  Pip
  Brisbane, Australia

Dear Distrustful:
Next thing you'll be accusing celebrities of is adopting children just for their own selfish, headline-grabbing motives.

Dear Ted:      
I'm already dreading the third weekend of November. I'm so over anything to do with TomKat that I can't see straight, and I just know how things will be as their pretend-wedding nears. Any chance you can control the volume of the upcoming brouhaha?
  Jena
  Charlotte, North Carolina

Dear Tom:
No (see above).