Awards season kicked off with a potty-mouth-powered punch Monday night with the 10th Annual Hollywood Awards, held at the sorta-swank Bev Hilton. This awards ceremony, sponsored by the Hollywood Film Festival, brought out almost more A-listers than the friggin' Oscars! Penélope Cruz, channeling Diane Keaton (or Ellen DeGeneres, not sure which) in a lesbian-chic tuxedo number, was honored for Best Actress, while Forest Whitaker took the honors for Best Actor.
And Robin Williams, who won the Lifetime Achievement Award and was in rare form, gets our nomination for best speech of the night, hands down. Obviously, his stint in rehab hasn't hurt his funny bone at all. "I'm so glad to be standing here next to this big H, " Williams began, indicating a large "H" that was to the left of the stage. "It stands for Hollywood, but for Mel Gibson, it stands for Hebrew!"
"It's great to get out of rehab and come to a place with an open bar!" he continued. "An optimist sees the glass half full; a pessimist sees the glass half empty, but an alcoholic says: 'Where's the f--kin' bottle?' "
I know the feeling, pal.
No one was safe from Robin's roasting, including fellow winner Cruz ("You need English subtitles to understand her English!"), Jack Nicholson ("He's sittin' at home right now, sayin' 'I get more puss than a litterbox!' "), along with Brokeback Mountain (yawn, already!), Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Senator Foley scandal. Yeah, what-ev.
Other runners-up for best speeches included the sassy 'n' sweet Sandra Bullock. You can't ask her about the reproductive record, but she sure likes to talk about practicing for it! Take this little shout-out she gave hub-unit Jesse James:
"Finally, to my boyfriend, who I happen to be married to..." she started. "With the good loving you give me every day, and especially last night..." Oh, Sandy, I'm blushing, babe! Go on, tell us more. "...it's no coincidence that I'm freer and braver to leave the house because I can't fail, because I get to come home to you," she finished. Aww, Sandy-doll's horny and heartfelt...love it! Sure don't hear Brit Spears spouting such sweet idiocy...
Like, there musta been something in the air, 'cause Ben Affleck talked about boning Jennifer Garner, too (okay, maybe not quite as crassly as I put it, but close). "The woman I have to thank is the woman who's home tonight babysitting my daughter," he said during his winner's speech for Best Supporting Actor. "She's the reason most good things have happened to me. So, to the people at my table, if I don't come back, it's because I went home to make love to the babysitter."
In all honesty, I really should report that bad girl galore, Lindsay Lohan, delivered a speech (for Best Breakthrough Actress) that raised far more eyebrows than did images of Ben Affleck's tumescent fondness for his wife.
L2 started off by thanking predictable peeps for their generosity, apart "from all the media attention on my extracurricular activities." Well, that's one way to put your clubbing and cavorting, you rather confused girlfriend.
Next, Ms. L. hit back at those head honchos who wrote a now infamous little letter about Lohan's on-set behavior: "I'd like to thank the people at Georgia Rule, especially Morgan Creek, since I was late every day, apparently."
So, you're saying the letter was unfounded, Linds? Kinda ironic, considering she was superlate to the ceremony that night. Old habits die hard, huh, babe?
Or maybe not. 'Cause I ran into one of Lindsay's Bobby costars, the hunklicious Josh Jackson at the Starz after-party, held poolside at Circa 55. I got him to give me the skinny about Lindsay on-set:
"Well, I wasn't on that movie," he said in regards to L2's rumored unruliness during Rule. "But on our set, she was ready to go, there on time, and I think the movie spells out that she was ready to be there. And beyond all the other things that get said about her, she's a fantastic young actress."
Et tu, Josh? You and Katie Holmes were so much for fun (and far less sound-bite politically correct) when you all dated each other, n'est-ce pas?