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Kevin Federline

Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Friday night at Les Deux looked like an issue of Us Weekly come to life or something. In one corner, you got Kevin Federline out 'n' about after his Sin City jaunt, sans Brit, natch. In another, poor li'l lonely Jessica Simpson. Outside is Brody Jenner, cuddling up to a new chica (such the surprise, huh?), while Lindsay Lohan flits by...

Let's start with K-Fed. My Desk Française pooped that Monsieur Eff was dressed in all white, hat to toe. And maybe his purer-than-snow getup put him on his best behavior, as I'm also told he "didn't drink much or talk to any girls." Damn, dude, you been wife-unit-whipped or somethin'?

I dunno, maybe it was 'cause K.F.'s posse-station was surrounded by a ton o' goons blockin' any brave broads from approaching. That said, Kev was also on his cellie the whole damn time. Checkin' in with the Britster, perhaps? Tellin' Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce a bedtime story, maybe? K-Fed for father of the year!

Did I just say that? Absolutely not. I swear, I'm getting delirious from not highlighting my hair anymore. Speaking of which, I'll give ya the fried, dyed 'n' pushed to the side dish on Linds&Bro&Jess tomorrow. Gotta get to all those ratted-out readers first, ya know?

Sure ya do. It's Terrible Tuesday, so dig in, already.

Jennifer Aniston

Art Seitz/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I was surprised that the Vince-ifer breakup wasn't mentioned in your column. Are you so over them? I personally never thought they fit. And you know what they say about rebound relationships!
  Sue P.G.

Dear Don't Be Surprised:
Are you nuts? Rebound? Try retard, instead. They were never an item, I assure you.

Janet Jackson

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage

Dear Ted:
When I was in college, I interviewed the manager of a department in a five-star hotel. Xtina's dressing-room list reminded me of something he told me. He said when Janet Jackson stayed at said hotel, she required that no employees speak to her.
  P.K.

Dear Mum-Minder:
Aren't stars' freaky-ass requests the funniest (and saddest)? I mean, Janet simply pales in comparison to that hideous bro of hers, right?

Dear Ted:
Why is it that when you see a rider for a singer or other musician, they always specify bottled water "NO Evian"? What's wrong with Evian? Is it played out? Was there an e-scare?
  J. W.
  Pennsylvania

Dear H2-Oh No:
Doll, Suffice it to say, Evian's the Payless of aqua snobs.

Mel Gibson

John Scuilli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I was puzzled by the pic of Saddam Hussein in your column. Then realized, whoops, my bad, it was Mel Gibson! Similar in more ways then salt-and-pepper beards...
  Chris
  Canada

Dear Mell-Hell:
When are stars (and dictators) gonna realize that overgrown, bushy beards are not attractive? (Are you listening Matthew McConaughey?) Shave that scary scruff, already!

Dear Ted:
Since when did you forget the First Amendment you journalists are always screaming about? You may not like or agree with what Mel Gibson says, but in this country, he has every right to say it!
  Laurii Burney
  Brandon, Missouri

Dear Italics Irked:
Oh, so his anti-Semitic rights trump my anti-anti-Semitic ones? Get out much, doll?

Jeremy Piven

Eddie Malluk/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jeremy Piven. Right?
  Jane Sanders
  San Antonio

Dear Deluded:
Uh, wrong, sweetums. Think taller, sexier, younger.

Dear Ted:
I'm in Africa, so I read your column with a bit of delay. I liked the bit about the strangest places people have had sex. I can't say I've done it in the most unusual places, but in some odd places nevertheless: South Beach ocean (in front of the Delano, with several people and families watching); Jalan Seminyak (main street) in Bali; elevator of Singapore Shangri-La; etc. Now, I'm married and faithful, so thanks for allowing me to replay those happy memories!
  Axel

Dear Globe-Banger:
Congrats! But does the spouse know what you're braggin' about online?

Sharon Stone

Frederic Injimbert/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Props for your note that Sharon Stone can do more than look fabulous. I actually haven't seen too many of her cinematic offerings--but I encourage you to rent The Mighty.
  Kate
  Lisbon, Connecticut

Dear Power Showerer:
If only Share-doll would believe in herself as much as we do, eh? S2's becoming Faye Dunaway before her time, mark my Lifetime-movie word.

Lindsay Lohan, Harry Morton

Denis Truscello/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Monday's bated but entertaining One Headline-Hungry Blind Vice simply must be Harry Morton and Lindsay Lo.
  Belinda T.
  Portland, Oregon

Dear Tickled Wrong:
Sorry, babe, but no dice. I dare say good ol' Dorrell Sausage is a bit more doable than Harry.

Dear Ted:
Okay, seriously, whats the deal with Jared Leto? He's probably the most gorgeous man on the planet, if you like the whole androgynous thing (and I kinda do)--but too gorgeous to be straight, am I right? I haven't heard any stories linking him to any of the ladies lately. Tell me what you know.
  Kacy S.
  Morris County, New Jersey

Dear J-Juicer:
Clearly you haven't been readin' your tabs, 'cause J.L. was linked to one L.Lo fairly recently. And his "most gorgeous man" status is definitely going down the drain the longer he does this hideous goth getup.

Gary Coleman

Carlo Allegri/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Is it my imagination, or did Jessica Simpson get smarter after leaving Nick Lachey? I just watched her on Today, and though Mensa will not be looking for her, it does seem she's beginning to show she's not the airhead she was in the past.
  Kelli Cross
  Des Moines

Dear IQ Query:
In a word, no. Leaving Nick Lachey was the most stupid-ola move Jess has ever made, if you ask this stupid queen. She reeks of Eau de Desperate these days. Actually, not a bad a idea for a stinky-ass perfume--Marc Cherry, wanna go halvsies with me?

Dear Ted:
I am sorry but your Oct. 3 column was the worst you've ever published. Who gives a rat's ass about hair? These weirdos spend too much for the mess anyway. Fact of late, your goss is getting pretty boring.
  Bill Halley
  Colleyville, Texas

Dear Cutting Type:
The coiffure column with Jess Simpson you're referring to, I, for one, found essential, being from Texas and all. And you should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Big-Hair Texan. That said, eat my buzz job.

Eva Longoria

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I've been reading your column for years, and it's always good for a grin. However, when you compared Eva Longoria's talkative ways to a yappy well-coifed and horny Pomeranian, the green tea I was drinking came close to being snorted out my nose. That was totally unexpected and hysterically funny/true.
  Lisa Pinckard
  Dallas, Texas

Dear Nostril Nicey:
Merci, schnoz-sweetie!

Dear Ted:
I don't know what you guys are talking about. I am from San Antonio (Eva & Tony Parker's hometown), and I know for a fact that they are together. They were on our local news stating that the breakup rumors are false!
  Griselda
  San Antonio

Dear Rumor Control:
I hope Eva & Tony are still on. They make a cute couple. And I do doubt they're permanently over (even if they are this minute), as they both like the camera too damn much and can get far more exposure together than apart.

Colin Farrell

Paul Fenton/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Love your column, never miss it! Could Dorrell Sausage be the sexy Colin Farrell? After that Miami Vice blunder, he would need the publicity!
  Dolly P.
  Amsterdam

Dear Dead Wrong:
No, no, no, Colin Farrell and Dorrell are in way different leagues. Dorrell has never had a hit movie or hit anything, to be honest, which is why he's so desperate for press.