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Hilary Swank

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Former hubby to Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe was not in the most charitable mood at the Lint Roller Party. The fun, furry event was held at Smashbox Studios last Thursday night to benefit Best Friends Animal Society. After Chad hit the bubble-gum pink carpet with an adorable canine up for adoption, Hil-babe's ex-a-rooney tried to dodge all us hideous press types, but I wasn't about to let him off paws-free.

Hardly.

Chad Lowe

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

So, I threw C.L. a bone of my own: a totally easy question that didn't concern the ex-wife at all. "If you were an animal, what would you be, and why?" I asked the short yet semicute guy.

"I can answer that!" he replied, all confident and relieved. "I would be a dog."

Hmmm. Por qué, hun? Because that bomb Hil dropped about your alleged naughty habit in Vanity Fair put you in the doghouse? "Why, exactly?" I insisted.

"I don't know why," he said, getting frustrated. "I don't know what I would be, actually...but tonight I would be a dog."

Amy Smart, Brandon Williams

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

And every noche, these days?

Luckily, gorgeous gal Amy Smart, who brought her own doggie along, was a little more eloquent with her answers. "I'd be either a tiger, 'cause I just think they're stealthy and gorgeous and strong and beautiful," she answered, "or I'd be a bird, because I'd like to fly." See, Chad, that wasn't so difficult! Also, given the previous mammal mishap--of sorts--I asked Amy what animals function better than humans.

"Animals don't lie," she said a bit too quickly. True dat, babe! Was that a dig to fiancé Brandon Williams, the dude by her side, perhaps? Speaking of disses and hisses, let's hear what you all had to bark back this time:

Mel Gibson

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Once in a while, I glance through your column...just because. This last time, however, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to see you refer to Mel Gibson as a "proselytizing freak." Wow, coming from a flaming homosexual who prostitutes himself espousing all the worldly garbage of every so-called celebrity--and gets paid, very well, I am sure--talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
  Nancy

Dear Run-On Rebel:
Darling, I assure you, my salary's but a rusty nail in the beaucoup bucks that is Mel Gibson's cash-cow cross. That said, are you an anti-flamer, just like Mel? Sure sounds like it, hon. Enjoy that intolerance! (And remember karma...)

Dear Ted:
You must know nothing of domestic violence, or you would not write so blithely of Diane Lane and Josh Brolin's state of marital affairs.
  Sara Fitz Hugh

Dear Dead Wrong:
Why do you think I even mentioned that D.L. originally made that 911 call for help? I seem to be the only one who remembers these unforgettable things.

Charlize Theron, Stuart Townsend

Paul Fenton/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
Are Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up from One Reserved-Parking Blind Vice the lovely Stuart Townsend and Charlize Theron?
  Kristin Darragh
  Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Dear Det. Chilly:
Nope, even though you're sorta close. But in the end (where Pete lives to play), not really. Think less glitzy, less real-life lusty.

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to tell you that you were awesome on Fox News! I caught you quite by accident, as I can't stand the Bush propaganda station. You made the other two pundits look like the nut jobs they are. You were excellent and dignified.
  Janet Storm
  Beaverton, Oregon

Dear Murdoch Minder:
Thanks, babe. Even more than wanting to defend Rosie O'Donnell (who the entire Fox broadcasting machine seems to be currently regarding as the Antichrist), I wanted to point out: Why is it okay--according to meddling Republicans--for conservative actors like Schwarzenegger and Reagan (and even Shannen Doherty) to engage in and mouth off about politics but not liberal ones like Beatty and Penn? It's a double standard, to be sure.

Jared Leto

Dan Herrick/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
I just hate the passé look Jared Leto is sporting these days. I finally realized he looks just like Garth Brooks during his creepy Chris Gaines moment. Time for a makeover--or it's over, Leto! Keep it coming, Ted.
  C.T.

Dear Irked Initials:
You got it, babe. And don't underestimate the power of preposterous threads. This is the most press Jared's seen in eons. Boy's not dumb.

Dear Ted:
What's the deal on Jen Garner? You've hinted before at her not so nice disposition behind the cameras, but specifics, please (other than how horribly she dumped Michael Vartan).
  Tricia
  Cincinnati

Dear Piranha Parenthetical:
That's like saying, "Tell me how the Titanic went down, other than how it hit an iceberg."

Dear Ted:
How transparent is it that the Academy has invited an out lesbian to host its awards show the year after they pissed off so many gay people by denying Brokeback Mountain the Best Picture Oscar?
  T.B.

Dear Paranoid:
Darlin', you're givin' these gals 'n' guys in the Academy boardroom too much credit, I assure you.

Howdy Ted:
Regarding Ellen hosting the Oscars, why is it okay to call Caucasians "honkies"?
  Tanya Fisher

Dear Politically Indirect:
Because I am one.

Hilary Duff, Joel Madden

Matthew D. Simmons/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Are Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up Joel Madden and Hilary Duff? She's shrinking so much, she's making my thighs look big. Tell me I'm right!
  Megan
  Seattle

Dear Duo Diggin':
Why, so you won't have to hit the Lifecycle at the gym? Regardless, ain't them. Think far more famous, established.

Dear Ted:
Is it just me or does Suri Cruise look like Damien from The Omen?
  Anne
  Washington, D.C.

Dear Flick Femme:
Darling, just because the poor tot's press is devilish doesn't mean she is.

Dear Ted:
Did you intentionally drop the "Pitt" from Maddox Jolie's surname when you were talking about someone's sons ogling Maddox's thighs when they all grow up?
  Nancy
  Manchester, Connecticut

Dear Missing Fame:
Yes.

Dear Ted:
Do you think that is a wig they have put on Suri Cruise? I have never seen a baby with so much hair.
  Karen Stevens
  Florida

Dear Hirsute Honey:
One can only imagine the hairy lengths that have been achieved for that child. Far more will be untangled--promise.