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Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

Yan Maisani/Visual/ZUMApress,com

Oh, uh, before we get to a bit o' insight, I dare say (more explanation, perhaps?), on one La Lohan--the younger, not the elder--I suppose I must do my duties and tell you, yet again, rumors are swirling that Tom Cruise is supposed to marry this very weekend. Quick! Don't click off! I promise I'll stay on this one for only a few more paragraphs.
 know, I know, no one besides brainwashed, delirious Cruise-ites (including, I'm sorry to report, the superbitchy Rosie O'Donnell, as well as yours truly) cares a friggin' anything that this guy is supposedly getting hitched to Kate Holmes momentarily. But for us few dumbasses, I pass along:

"It's happening soon--very soon, I think as soon as this weekend," relayed those who actually hang (at times) with the molar-massive star, and who also believe a normal profession of love is to stomp on a talk-show host's couch.

True?

The caterers are on standby--this much I do know. But that's been happening for almost two months, so--as I like to bitch--whatev.

Lindsay Lohan, Harry Morton

Zifkovits/ZUMApress.com

More tales of Lindsay Lohan's trauma in one week, can ya stand it? Remember how L.L. not so nicely told off her mama on her B-day? And that she ended up in the hospital the very next day? Well, sources now reveal to moi that Hurricane Linds hit St. Vincent's hospital, accompanied by now ex-boyf Harry Morton and her lawyer around two ayem Friday, "screaming, swearing and having fits." Now, I know broken bones suck, but do they really call for all that brouhaha? I mean, at the very least, her injury prolly warranted a prescription for some good painkillers, right?

Anyhow, evidently pain wasn't the thing clouding L2's consciousness. She looked "glassy-eyed" according to my spywitness. Also interesting was the hospital's notation (unofficial, 'course) that Linds' lawyer wouldn't say her name and would refer to her only as "my client," while Harry and her driver called her Lee.

Also, for the ER record, Linds had to wait like all the rest of us. Love it!

Dina Lohan

Dan Herrick/ZUMapress.com

Mom-unit Dina didn't show till later, but isn't it sorta sad that her Mommy wasn't there to hold her baby's broken hand as she waited on those cold, plastic hospital chairs? D.L. also appeared "distant," added New Yawkers who were present.

Maybe Miz L. was still pissed at her daughter for that infamous dinner diss the night before?

Oh, oh! And remember how the lawyer's claiming it wasn't L.L.'s fault, 'cause she had on flat boots when the fall occurred? I'm happy to say that my eye-spy confirms this report. And "they were nice boots," in case you were wondering.

Oh, and Dina-doll, wanna ask you something: Why is your daughter's attorney apparently more maternal than you? Just curious.

Dennis Quaid

Lisa O'Connor

Dennis Quaid, rockin' out down south. Den-doll and his band, the Sharks, took the stage at Antone's in Austin, Tejas, where the audience consisted of crazed college girls and lots of 40- and 50-year-olds shakin' their booties. One gal was so damn hot for the D.Q. dude that she took off her bra and swung it around for a while! Sorry, babe, he's taken by wifey Kim, who was also at the club (and looking rather Dallas with that hairdo of hers). Oh, too sweet: The wife-unit got a song dedication from her loving hub. All together now: Awww! Other possibly saccharine sitches include...

Lisa Rinna, shoppin' for hubby Harry Hamlin. The newly reopened and revamped Lisa Kline Men on Robertson. Seems Harry shimmied his way down a whole jean size from all that booty shakin' on Dancing with the Stars, so Lisa picked up a pair of Chip & Pepper's Big Pickle jeans in a svelte size 32 for her main man. Other brunette byoots include...

Jennifer Connelly

Dan Herrick/ZUMApress.com

Jennifer Connelly, catchin' a concert. The Who. Madison Square Garden on Monday. The ever trim J.C. sported a black blazer with jeans and had "beautiful skin and gorgeous blue eyes," according to Desk Rock. Man, remember the days when the skeletal star looked like Kate Bosworth warmed over? Ah, what love can do for a broad's figure! Speaking of said inspiration, I'm 'fraid there was no Paul Bettany in sight. Hmmm. Working, I'm sure. Also, seems Jen-babe was havin' some sorta snafu with her tix and asked to see someone in charge. Hope you got that sitch fixed before the concert, love! Also out 'n' about in the Big Apple was...

Scottie Pippen, goin' low-profile at the airport. LaGuardia in InWhySee. The NBA great was rockin' all black duds and dark shades indoors. No one bothered to ask Scottie for a pic or autograph as he browsed a newsstand with a "matronly woman wearing a bright yellow jacket," said a bitchy passerby. Wonder if S.P.'s disguise actually worked, or if those crusty New Yawkers are just too cool to care?

Oh yeah, back to that Us Weekly bash I gabbed about. Inside new, hot hang Area, the superexpensive liquids were flowin' and the club was packed with peeps like Paris Hilton (whose derriere is delightfully more sexy these days, no stick she), Kristen Bell and Brenda Strong boppin' to deejay Samantha Ronson's tunes. I spotted one of the night's honorees, Carmen Electra, lookin' luscious in a lacy chiffon number, makin' a beeline for the dance floor.
Carmen Electra

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

The newly unwedded gal looked très unconcerned and uninhibited as she shook her tiny tush smack-supreme within the strut space, joined by blond babe Brittany Daniel. After some girly gyratin' with her new pal, Carm-doll was escorted out of the bash by a dude who looked like her rep or a Biz type, but no worries, she didn't go home alone. Lucky guests like Carm hit the swag suite and stocked up on kicks from Sketchers, Max Factor makeup and so many other threads 'n' loot, Dave's ex made freebie-gunnin' Shannon Elizabeth look downright demure.

And the security at this goodie corral was particularly intense, lemme tell ya. Peeps stationed by the entrance and exit acted as if they were guarding Mecca or something. Funniest part was when a thirtysomethin' lady tried to breeze by. "This tent is only for the Fresh 15," said security. "I'm Ken Baker's [the west coast editor of the whole damn publication] wife," sniffed the gal, before being allowed through amidst profuse apologies. Oops! I didn't realize he was married, either!

Jeremy Piven

Eddie Malluk/WireImage.com

Back to the dance floor. I spotted Stavros Niarchos cuttin' a rug with a brunette who was def not Paris. Some reports suggest they've been rekindling their romance as of late, but by the looks of things at this par-tick bash, he seemed to have his hands full with another chica. Also escorted by a lovely lady: our favorite he-ho, Jeremy Piven, who ducked inside way late.

Other shorty studs on the scene: Kevin Connolly, at the bar with g-f Nicky Hilton, as a bespectacled John Stamos (who was strangely behaving himself, maybe he was sick?) looked on from a nearby table. I swear, John-babe is one of those rare guys who gets even hotter with age. Too friggin' lucky!