Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press
Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press
Employee of the Month, the new Jessica Simpson and Dane Cook flick about working at a Costco-type chain, premiered Tuesday night at Mann's Chinese Theater. Jessica caused a flash-bulb frenzy, quelle surprise, as she channeled June Cleaver, with her flipped bob, red kisser and floral frock. No wonder she likes to hang with Dubya, but whatev.
As I waited for Nick's former old lady to make her way down the endless carpet, I saw her and Dane, a rumored past paramour, pose for pics together. Let me just say that if indeed anything was goin' down between the two of them, it's so over now. They had zero chemistry that I could see. Nada. Bupkes.
More Simpsons than you could shake a push-up bra at were doing the press line—and I ain't talk about the Ashlee variety.
The movie's coproducer, Papa Joe, perfectly coiffed and majorly blingin', and Jessica's mom, Tina, were doin' interviews as well. How very...jovial. So down-home intimate, no? Now, since I'd just read on Radar about how Joe's now moonlighting as Jess 'n' Ash's personal paparazzo and sellin' pics to WireImage, I was curious to see what Daddy S. had to say about such a potentially prickly sitch.
"You know, there are moments where we don't want press, but people still wanna know," Joe began. "Like when we went to Africa with Operation Smile. That wasn't a moment for paparazzi; it was a moment for Jessica to go help kids.
"So, I said 'Ya know what? I'll take pictures. I won't be intrusive because you're my daughter, so I'll take pictures for you, and I'll give them out.' " (Yo, but is it really giving if you're getting a hefty cut of the profits?)
"Do you do red carpet stuff, too?" I asked, referencing that naughty gab about how some photogs claim that Joe has purposely blocked their shots on the carpet. "No, no," he pooh-poohed.
"I actually worked my way through college as a photographer," continued Joe, perhaps trying to get some photo street cred. Suddenly, Mama Tina, who'd been silent up till this point, interjected the following very odd comment: "Jessica was paid for by a camera lens."
Um, come again?
"When she was a baby, I sold my long lens to the doctor to pay for Jessica's birth," Joe explained. "We had no money to pay for her, 'cause we made no money," Tina added, trying to be helpful but actually sounding a bit bizarro.
Granted, even though the Simpsons' financial situation is far more lucrative today, ain't it funny Tina's original comment still rings true? After a fashion?
Others givin' out way too much information include Dax Shepard, who costars in Employee. "A good employee should never steal from their employer," answered Dax, in response to my query regarding what a good worker bee must nevah do. "And they shouldn't shit in the urinal. That's got me fired before. I'm speaking from personal experience."
Ew. "How about dating on the job?" I snooped, wanting to get the hell outta that last jokey (I hope) nine-to-five sitch in favor of an only slightly less stinky one.
"I think jobs in general tend to be boring, and if you can spice it up with a little interoffice romance slash hot-sex affair in the bathroom, do it," he urged. "In fact, do it with a married person. That way, you'll have your nights free!"
This downright dementia continued as Dane did the carpet. Jess' whatever was singing with reporters and biting the foam microphone heads. I was suddenly glad I had a tape recorder, as I polled him about any personal experience he himself happened to have dating on the job.
Ya know, like a fellow movie star, perhaps?
"I did once date a girl when we were working at a fast-food restaurant," D.C. mused, deflecting the obvious. "And we had a nasty breakup, but we were still scheduled for every day of the week together. And it was really horrible, because we had to make burgers and stuff together, and it was very uncomfortable."
So, workplace romance = bad thing?
"Try to steer clear of it," he advised. "But if it's true love, you gots to go for it."
Hmmm...did he use that rationale on the movie set, by any chance?
No word. And Jess never made it to my little lair of luscious semisoftballs.
Guess I'll need a camera next time, huh?