Well that was fun. And weird. But mostly fun!
Riverdale just celebrated Jughead's (Cole Sprouse) birthday with a typically out of control high school party, complete with kegs and the mischievous presence of Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch).
Simply because she loves to make things messy (and to get back at Veronica for stealing her Vixen thunder), Cheryl decided to make up a game that involved everyone telling their biggest secrets. Or rather it involved Cheryl telling those secrets, with some help from Chuck (Jordan Calloway) and Dilton (Major Curda).
Everyone learned that Veronica's (Camila Mendes) dad bought the drive-in land from prison, and that Betty (Lili Reinhart) tortured Chuck, and about Archie's (KJ Apa) relationship with Ms. Grundy. Cheryl took everyone down one by one, and Veronica even fought back with a quick accusation of twincest (finally, someone said it!), but the damage was done.
The episode was both hilarious and enlightening as Veronica dug into her father's business while trying to decide if she should make a statement on his behalf or not. Along the way, she learned that for the past 75 years, the Blossom family had been making payments to the Lodge family, and she believed that Clifford Blossom had gotten her father arrested in an effort to stop having to make the payments.
By the end of the night, Veronica was ready to join Betty's investigation, and Archie was greeting both of his parents at the door, after spending the night (in the most innocent sense) with Veronica, post-make out.
It was an episode that not only got us one step closer to figuring out the truth about Jason, but also gave us plenty of lines and scenes that felt like they could become iconic Riverdale moments, like...
Veronica and Cheryl's Vixen-off.
We apparently know nothing about what makes a good cheerleader, but that was fun...particularly when it was followed by Cheryl's firing of her two main minions after she lost, who apparently have the vocabulary of a baked potato.
Cheryl walking into the diner to what we hope is her new theme music.
We just really liked that music, which you sadly can't capture in a GIF.
Everything about the beginning of the party, including Kevin (Casey Cott) telling Ethel (Shannon Purser) she didn't have time to pee, and a few choice lines:
"Do I look like Jughead to you?"
"Oh, it's Kevin."
"That was...haunting, Betty."
Archie's drunk dancing.
All of Jughead's excuses for why he and Betty don't work, which included finally acknowledging that hat.
FP (Skeet Ulrich) being the weird dad at the high school party.
We know he's pals or business partners or whatever with Joaquin (Rob Raco), but could you chill out on the creep factor please, Mr. Jones?
Archie getting what he definitely deserved for basically ignoring his ex-girlfriend Valerie (Hayley Law).
Kevin's perfect reaction to Veronica's accusations of incest-turned-murder, and to all of the secrets and glorious insults being thrown around during Cheryl's game.
And these faces!
And this dog!
Riverdale airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on