Are there any words more daunting than "a very special three-hour Bachelor event?"
That is longer than a movie that's too long. We've almost never responded positively to anything that was three hours long, unless it was a nap. But you know what? We could have been OK* if tonight was just three hours of Raven's post-orgasm victory tour through Lapland, Finland. Yes, The Bachelor went full 500 Days of Summer on us and forced Raven to do things like high five strange (and probably confused) Finnish people and pet their dogs and kiss fake reindeers after her night with the Turtleneck King.
It was the best worst thing we've ever seen, and that's a term we usually reserve for the plot twists on American Horror Story.
*We're lying. That's a punishment worthy of the bad place on The Good Place, or one of Bonnie's prison worlds on The Vampire Diaries.
Because we're us, we spent too much time making GIFs of the entire thing, and we'd be rude if we didn't share. So here, presented without commentary, is how Raven celebrated after a successful night with Nick.
The rest of tonight's first hour was not nearly as hilarious, unless you find Nick running around in the snow in nothing but tight blue shorts and a hat to be hilarious. But we'll get to that.
First, Rachel and Nick spent a truly lovely night together. Really, it was lovely. Rachel complimented Nick for his coolness, and he said this:
And they made out on a sleigh pulled by a sassy reindeer.
Rachel expressed her love, and it was genuinely confusing to know she was about to go home, especially compared to what came next.
In order to experience some real Finnish culture apparently, Nick and Vanessa took ice baths outside, in the snow. Nick looked like this:
Then, pretty much everything they said to each other made it sound as if this was a relationship that was never going to work. Nick is far too proud to be an American (that's literally what he said) to ever move to Canada, and Vanessa doesn't ever want to leave her family in Montreal. Her family's traditional, Nick is not traditional, and there are definitely some conflicts there.
But who cares about all that? Vanessa loves Nick, and she just couldn't wait to tell him. The next morning, she was even more in love. Apparently they had a good night, but there were no snow angels for her. Just lotsa kissing, and then later, some crying about whether or not Nick was going to give her a rose.
Of course, Vanessa had nothing to worry about. The sweater man sent Rachel home, just as we knew he would.
"I really thought we had a really really good thing," she told him. "I feel like I put all of me out there, and maybe it was too late, because I know it's hard for me to do that sometimes, just because of what I've been through."
Nick was all "you're the most amazing woman ever, you're great, I think you're great," but if we didn't already know Rachel was the next Bachelorette, we'd be just about ready to get a little slap happy. Rachel seemed devastated, and based on their lovely date, we can see why.
But congrats to Raven and Vanessa we guess? Hope you like sweaters!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.