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Ricky Gervais

Chris Haston/NBCU Photo Bank

Firstly, congratulations on being the only interesting part of the Emmy's this year.

This brings us here at the Awful Truth to our next point: We understand what irritation Paris Hilton has caused you over in England. The burning sensation should go away with the heiress' departure. But we have some guidelines regarding this exchange you propose.

We see your Hilton (after all, she is the spokeschick for the New American Dream) but raise you a Rob Pattinson (as in, we're keepin' him). In return, we are prepared to offer joint custody of Zac Efron because we're so over this High School Musical crap.

We would also like more visitation rights with Russell Brand, 'cause anyone who can slam the Jonas Brothers like that has an open-door policy here with the A.T. We have no objection to getting Posh over to New York as long as that delicious husband of hers can stay behind.

Thank you,
Team Awful