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Jessica Simpson

Logan Fazio/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I just saw a photo of Jessica Simpson at a Macy's event in mid-December, about six weeks ago. The issue isn't that she's gained 20 pounds since her Daisy Duke days; it's that she's gained 10-15 in the last six weeks. My husband (a hospital administrator) thinks she has the bloat seen in patients taking prescription steroids. Has she been ill?
Wgerow 

Dear Heavyweight:
If I had a whole Texas city ready to whoop my ass, you bet I'd be sick too. I'm no MD, but my guess is her weight isn't as much drug related as it is stress and retaliation.

Dear Ted:
Read you every day. Like you, but herpes jokes are not funny. You can make your point without insulting more than a third of all adults who have contracted this virus. You clearly have been fortunate in your own personal life, however "slutty" you may consider yourself to be. Please do us readers, some of whom have this virus (way more common than you think) a favor and stop connecting it with whorish behavior. People can contract this while in marriages, and through no fault of their own (their spouse was the slutty one). Not all people with this virus are whores, and to characterize them as such is not fair, not nice and certainly not funny.
Just Sayin''

Dear Irritable:
I simply meant John Mayer seems to be a womanizer that never goes away. We'll have to be reporting on his whorish behavior for life.

Dear Ted:
Apparently almost everybody in Hollywood is trying to hide something, like being gay, doing drugs or just being plain mean. Which one is Robert Pattinson's secret?
Cibelef 

Dear Pattinson Pry:
Oh, he's got a past, trust.

Dear Ted:
I would like to know why it's OK for the media to critique the weight of white actresses, but not African-American or Latina actresses? Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have both made headlines for gaining a few pounds, yet they're still smaller than several actresses of other ethnicities. And then, nobody really had the guts to point out that Jennifer Lopez's unflattering Golden Globes dress created quite the muffin top. I'm not suggesting we spread the criticism, but why can't everyone be subjected to the same standards?
Bunny 

Dear Sizeable:
Because actresses like Salma Hayek and Jennifer Hudson dress well. And don't claim to be size 2s.

Dear Ted:
Crawley McNugget has got to be David Spade! For him to score with as many hot babes as he seems to have, his sense of humor must make up for his troll-like appearance. But he got burned by the Playboy Bunny, which he fathered a kid with!
KB

Dear Wrong Suit:
Sorry darling, Spade isn't our booty culprit. Fab guess though.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Jude Law ruined Sienna Miller when it comes to her sexcapades? Also, doesn't surprise me about Jennifer Lopez either. Perhaps it's because there is no more buzz about her.
You Are the best

Dear Laid the Law:
Such an interesting question there about Law. No doubt Sienna had loose-girl tendencies prior to Jude, but the way she was burned reflects her behavior now.

Dear Ted:
Why are you talking about that crazy Christian Bale audio tape? I didn't want to believe it because he's so friggin' hot, but the man is completely psycho and a complete a-hole.
Aebarch 

Dear Batty:
Right there with ya babe, on all of it. But I'm trying to trust C.B.'s friends on this one. We know how Bale gets too into his movies. I'm surprised he didn't do worse to the poor guy. Maybe they made up after?

Dear Ted:
Is Colin Farrell Toothy Tile? By the way, George Clooney seems like he's reached the bottom of the barrel in the girlfriend dept. Game-show slag. Her cloying behavior is nauseating. Please tell him to get some relationship counseling. I'm afraid he's going to start dating Paris Hilton or Courtney Love.
Miss P 

Dear Star Watcher:
That would be a big hell no on Farrell being Toothy. As for Clooney, he has a better chance of dating a homeless gal before Paris or Court. Georgy has a fetish for taking the no-names and giving 'em fame.

Dear Ted:
Katie Holmes
always looks tired and unhappy for someone who's only 30 years old. She's got one child, isn't currently working and has everything taken care of for her unlike us regular folk. If Tom isn't doing it for her (if you know what I mean) then get a divorce already. What's your take on their situation?
P.S.: Don't you just feel sorry for Suri, who's constantly paraded out for the paps? It's insane.
DDT

Dear Family Matters:
Kate isn't leaving Tom anytime soon.

Dear Ted:
I heard that Kristen Stewart dumped her lame-ass boyfriend Michael Arangano recently. Have you heard anything similar? She hasn't been seen with him at events since early December. Just wondering if you have any dirt.
Boulevard Dreams

Dear Other Twilight Fan:
If K's past shows anything, she doesn't let a boyfriend interfere with what she wants anyways.

Dear Ted:
Do you think this is going to be Jen Aniston's year in career and in love? Some predict it will be.
Jersey Girl From Parsippany

Dear Miss Cleo:
Let's see if J's box-office mojo keeps up and, more importantly, who looks best come Oscars, assuming the Aniston-presenting rumors are true.

Dear Ted:
Could it be that Jessica Simpson wore those horrible pants to make herself look bigger and staged a photo op to get attention? She's playing chili cook-offs and her career seems to be a joke lately. Now she's everywhere online and everyone is talking about her. What's next, a huge weight loss and the cover of all the magazines to talk about it? Or did she honestly just wear really bad pants that made her look less than flattering?
Becky

Dear Elephant in the Room:
I see where you're coming from, but don't think anyone would make themselves look that bad on purpose. Especially if she's got her man hanging on by a G-string.