Passengers wants you to believe that it's love story. It's kind of about the lengths two people will go to for each other, and how values and outlooks shift in a partnership. It's kind of about the human condition, and how hundreds of years of acclimation play into each and every decision. It's kind of about society, and how the greater good often out shadows individual needs. It's kind of about elitism, and how everyone gets screwed when a few people will do anything to get what they want.
But also, it's about space. The depths of space, the unknowns of space, the many many ways that space can terrify you and give you nightmares and, most of all, kill you. It sounds like a real blast, right?
The official premise of the flick, which stars Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence, is this: Hundreds (this is a guess; the exact date is never addressed) of years in the future, after the Earth has been overpopulated and ravaged and become not nearly as desirable a place to live as it once was (although, make no mistake: This is not post-apocalyptic), a very powerful company begins colonizing other planets.
These colonies are utopias in every sense, with the most advanced technologies and the newest luxuries and made up of people with both the will and means to travel nearly 100 years just for a better life. Formerly Earth-bound humans sign up to be put into a sort of medically-induced coma to make the 90-year journey and set up shop on this new planet, and they do so via the craziest looking spaceship we've ever seen.
Two of those passengers happen to be Pratt and Lawrence, and they also happen to wake up way way too early, and are thus forced to figure out how to get back to sleep or else face the prospect of living out the rest of their lives as the only two people on a giant spaceship that is hurtling towards a planet they will ever see. As can be expected, things go dangerously awry—you have seen the trailer, right? Even if you missed it (although it's right there at the top of this story, guys), this is Hollywood, and Hollywood needs a conflict.
There isn't much else to say without giving away grand, unthinkable spoilers, but we were left with some searing, burning questions that have haunted us since the very day we left the theater. Passengers is a movie that takes some suspension of belief to enjoy, it's just that we're not sure how far we're willing to suspend it.
But we are curious beings, and we're not going to apologize for it. Some of these questions are rhetorical, some will spark discussion and some will, admittedly, provide some spoilers for those who either a) purposefully keeping themselves from thinking even the tiniest bit about the possible outcomes of this movie or b) living under a rock.
1. Has Chris Pratt seriously been that skinny? We audibly gasped the first time we saw his clean-shaven, much-more-narrow face.
2. Are we the only ones who think that he maybe actually is too skinny?
3. How much does a one-way ticket on the Starship Avalon cost? We know that Chris Pratt got a discount because he's in a valuable trade, or whatever, but on earth most people can't even afford to fly Emirates.
4. Did they really just waste the Chris Pratt naked-butt scene this early in the movie? That's supposed to be the treat we get for making it through 90 minutes.
5. Which do you think flashed by quicker: Chris Pratt's shower butt in Passengers or Ben Affleck's shower penis in Gone Girl?
6. Calling the Homestead II, the new planet everyone is flying to, "the jewel of the occupied world" is supposed to be astonishingly creepy, right? It seems obvious, but the movie also doesn't spend much (read: any) time addressing how disturbing the practice of sending society's best (read: richest) to populate a new planet really is.
7. How is it humanly (or mechanically) possible that every single crew member sleeps for the entirety of the spaceship's 90-year journey?
8. And how did they not have a back-up plan in case this exact waking-up scenario happened?
9. Seriously, they couldn't do shifts or anything? A tap-in, tap-out system?
10. Who else is going to have nightmares starring Chris Pratt's Castaway beard?
11. Who else wants to be friends with the spaceship bartender? Who cares if he's a robot?
12. Speaking of the beard, did he actually grow that thing?
13. Why didn't the movie use the tagline, "It's like Grey Gardens, but in space!"
14. Do you think the team behind Passengers thought the space walk scenes were going to be like Gravity? That would be cute.
15. Are we the only ones that [SPOILER ALERT. For the love of God, spoiler alert.] would wake Jennifer Lawrence up to? Even without the liquid courage. 90 is a lot of years.
16. Are there Quadrillion Dollar-notes in the future?
17. Also, should colonization really be a for-profit business? Where is the government regulation here?
18. Who the hell names their real-life (un-animated) daughter Aurora?
19. Oh, wait, we get it. A handsome prince wakes her up. No question here, just...damn.
20. Will there be more sex scene montages in the extended-footage version?
21. Is this the first time someone has used a full-on sex montage?
22. But, like, imagine if the two stranded passengers didn't like each other?
23. Do people really wear see-through Vegas-style one-piece swimsuits to exercise in space? Please advise.
24. We love Laurence Fishburne, but was that character really necessary?
25. Who wrote this line ("Ugh, space! The one thing I do not need more of!") and where is their Oscar?
26. Why aren't there pets on the Starship Avalon?
27. Do you really expect us to believe that people paid their life savings to move to a planet without pets?
28. Do you think this movie is an accurate depiction of what it feels like to be trapped on one of those Norovirus-filled cruise ships?
29. If Jennifer Lawrence's character expected to stay asleep for the entire ride through space, then why did she pack such perfect spaceship outfits?
30. What happens to Arthur the Robot Bartender when they land on Homestead II?