Vantage News/IPx/AP PhotoIt ain't easy being famous.
Aside from all the glitz and the glamour and the seven-figure paychecks, your every waking moment is spent in the spotlight. You can't so much as sneeze without The Daily Mail catching wind of it. And heavens to Betsy if you're actually doing something scandalous. The whole world will be on your tail!
Which is why these famouser-than-famous citizens have developed themselves a little protocol, if you will—strategies that they employ when they would like to lay low, disappear, hide in plain sight. Some choose to live this way day in and day out, but for the others who don't have the luxury of spending all the live long day on Julia Roberts' Malibu enclave, they put these plans into motion when truly necessary. When society turns against them for egregious public displays of affection, say, or if they've just lost a very public feud with another A-lister.
We here at E! News have decided to blow the lid off this privacy racket once and for all, in hopes of educating the world about what the celebrities are really doing when nobody's looking...or, when nobody knows they're looking.
The first, and most oft used solution, is to fly private. In Los Angeles and New York (and, slightly less so, London), the paparazzi know to camp out at the arrivals deck, waiting to pry on semi-innocent celebrities who have just touched down from a long flight. This is a great way to snap them in their natural habitat, a.k.a. having just spent hours riding in a suite in the sky, and at least 30-40 minutes primping in a luxurious lounge bathroom. Photographers are now even able to calculate exactly when the stars are due to arrive—if someone takes off in London bound for LAX, it's only a matter of math; apparently, paparazzi can do math—meaning they are staking out even more than usual.
This is where the private jet comes in. You avoid plebeian airports altogether, and are simply whisked from your tinted-window-black-car straight onto the tarmac and into the waiting arms wings of something that is hopefully at least a G4 (anything less and we have to wonder why photogs are following you at all). This allows the celebrities to come and go to their planes in peace, and also to avoid those pesky airport security procedures. We don't want to speculate, but let's just say you can feel a lot more free if you don't have to wear underwear for the body scanner.
Once they arrive at their destination of choice, celebrities must be very cautious to tightly control each and every step of the vacation so as to not become a broadcast to the world. There are plenty of stars out there who are able to travel the globe with nary a single story showing up in a supermarket aisle. And they do that by...paying their friends to keep silent. Just kidding, of course. But a good strategy is to ever-so-nicely ask friends if they would abide by a photo embargo, in which they do not publish a single social media post until given the all-clear (meaning the vacation has come to an end). This is called "tricking the public into thinking you are somewhere that you just left." Badda-boom, badda-bing.
The third step is to avoid known paparazzi traps when going about your daily life is to avoid known paparazzi traps. This means to stay away from: Restaurants, bars, farmer's markets, grocery stores, pharmacies, gyms, yoga studios, spinning studios, your own backyard, public beaches, city landmarks, gas stations, car oil change establishments, Target, juice bars, nail salons, furniture stores, schools, your living room if you have large windows, your friends' homes if they have large windows, any roads, highways or city buses. In short, the only safe place is Julia Roberts' Malibu enclave.
One who wishes to stay hidden should also keep these policies in mind when choosing movies. The best way to stage a media disappearance and make money at the same time is to take on a role in an emotionally overwhelming movie that films in a remote location. Did the world hear anything of Andrew Garfield while he was playing a monk for Martin Scorsese? Except, of course, the news that Emma Stone broke up with him because...wait for it...she never saw him. And Jennifer Lawrence has been out of the headlines for weeks—nay, months—thanks to her work on the as-yet untitled Darren Aronofsky project. It's Black Swan all over again.
Finally, if a celebrity cannot find a mentally damaging movie role and must venture outside, they have two solid options. One: Wear a very large hat. Not like Leonardo DiCaprio's newsboy, for we know that cap hides nary a thing, but more like the largest brim that money can buy. Two: The crab walk.
It keeps your face away from the leering cameras, it provides an air of mystery about you, and it totally works your glutes.
So there you have it: The next time you wonder to yourself, huh, it's been awhile since we've seen Amy Schumer, you know why.