Dear Ersatz Cop:
I'm the fake? Uh, last I checked, I was pretty open about who I'm bedding, unlike Toothy Tile.
I've got a great idea! Here's a way to ease your conscience (and the E! legal eagles) about "outing" those in Hollywood who aren't yet ready to come out: How 'bout telling us the names of those few rumored celebrities about which the gay rumors are not true?
Dear Closed Doors:
They're doing that themselves, lest they be thought of as a homo, perish the thought!
I think you are one of the meanest people ever. You like to destroy people's credibility. Angelina could do no wrong. Brad Pitt cheats on Jennifer Aniston and he knocks her—is that his guilt talking? Oh no, he has proven he has none. He openly went after Angelina, and it didn't faze Angelina at all, after all, she did it when she went after Billy Bob. Oh, he was married so I guess that's different.
I think you may be slightly deranged, as I'm not exactly certain on all that you're talking about. But I do know Brad sleeps fine at night (but little does he know what awaits him!).
Happy '09, Ted! Hope you and the hubby had a fab vacay. Anyhoo, onto the topic at hand: Hohan. What the H is up with that pic of her lunching with pals in L.A.? She looked so skeletal and gaunt! Not sure what's been eating at her, either. Maybe too much crystal, er, Cristal for New Years? What say you?
Dear Word Play:
Haven't you heard? Now she's just popping Sean Penn instead of the bubbly! Too bad the hangover's twice as bad.
Bravo! It's about time someone vented their feelings about John Travolta's terrible tragedy. I had the TV on last night and was so disgusted and outraged at the tabloid-type shows that were hyping it up and speculating. I actually found myself yelling at them to shut the f--k up.
I'm with you, babe. It takes a lot to keep my trap shut—this is it.
Are Smoky Shooter and Mimi Kitten Josh Brolin and Diane Lane?
Dear Joshin' Around:
Sorry, sweets, think even more gorgeous a pair.
Just saw your "Morning Piss" blog for the first time. I know today's entertainment and pop culture is representative of the base of society, but why such a disgusting name?
Dear Precious Ears:
We wake up on the pissy side of the bed each morning, that's why. And we can't hold it in.
How often do you suspect stars themselves try to respond to your columns via the comments section? The article on Jeremy Piven had some hilarious comments that screamed 12-year-old, upset, junior high girl, which in turn made me think Piven.
Sounds more like someone Piven would hit on. We bet there are a few out there too cowardly to come forward to confront us, but mostly we suspect personal pals doing the dirty work for ‘em.
What's with all of Brad Pitt's truthiness suddenly? The magazine pics that show his true age (and more), the quotes about love and loss. I have to say he comes off very sincere and intelligent. Has he exchanged photo ops for publicity talk, or is this the real Brad?
Hardly. The real Brad Pitt is somewhere still slobbering, quite messily, over Juliette Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow. This is the new, improved, publicly related and airbrushed Brad, thoughtfully provided to us by Jen ‘n' Angie.
Do you think Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman will ever star in a film together again? Do you think it would get their careers back on track? Would Katie and Keith allow it?
Dear Cruise Kidman Reunion?
Don't bet on it. Not even in a sprawling ensemble where they don't even have to appear in the same room together, since on red carpets they'd be forced to congregate. Bruce and Demi starring alongside each other, on the other hand, would be too charming.
Once, a long time ago, I joined you when you had your chat and asked if you had a degree in journalism or what. You brushed me off! But I was serious! It's so interesting, especially since it's obvious you're sitting on a wealth of really juicy tidbits. Also, are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner really on the way out, or was that totally sarcasm? Sometimes it's hard to tell with you.
Very sorry. Master's in journalism, NYU. Yep and total yep.
Am I the only twisted, naughty one? I saw your headline for Lindsay's story today, "What's Eating Lindsay Lohan?" and I really wanted to scroll down and see "Not Samantha" and that to be it. I adore you!
—Nikki, Des Moines, Iowa
Dear Meal Ticket:
Only thing Sam's eating of Lindsay's right now is her dust.