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Liam Neeson, Abe Lincoln

James Devaney/Getty Images; Toronto Star/ZumaPress.com

Director Steven Spielberg has tapped Irishman Liam Neeson to portray President Abraham Lincoln in an upcoming biopic, a role the actor has spent months researching. Neeson's studies included reading author C.A. Tripp's book The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln, a work alleging that the beloved 16th president was gay. "I don't think it's a good book," Neeson stated, though his mind is open on Lincoln's sexuality. "It's not to say that Lincoln was or wasn't a homosexual," he offered.

In response, Lincoln's ghost spoke with Soup Blog reporters from the porch of his roughly hewn yet sturdy log cabin in president heaven. "A man's sexuality is between him and his God, and those he chooses to engage with carnally," stated the ghost, who is considering appearing on Earth to address the situation.

"Having said that, I find Neeson's words to be nothing short of an outrage, and he needs to be taught a lesson. Frankly, I don't know whether to give him a sound thrashing, or make sweet passionate love to the man."