In the midst of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston's PDA tour, the daytime talk show host dedicated a portion of her show's Hot Topics segment Monday to dissecting their romance. "So, Taylor swift and this new boyfriend of hers, Tom Hiddleston, apparently they're getting serious." When the audience snickered, Williams let them know she was just as surprised. "I know. It's only been three weeks. And she's 26. That's old enough to understand—like, you don't show your feelings on your sleeve in three weeks, you know? And he's a 30-something."
"I suspect he's also a bit of an opportunist," she said of Hiddleston. "I'm going to tell you why: First of all, he wants to be the next James Bond, and he's English. And I suspect...Because I'd never heard of this guy before, you see, so how do you drum up votes? By getting on Hot Topics. I'm just saying! How do you get on Hot Topics? By dating somebody that we talk about."
Williams then showed the audience the first photos that proved Swift, 26, and Hiddleston, 35, are now an item. "So, Tom and Taylor are right there sitting on the property of her Rhode Island mansion that she owns, which is right next to the Kennedys. Now, you might be wondering why the paparazzi is in Rhode Island, and I say, well, No. 1, the Kennedys have been there for years. No. 2, Taylor probably called them," the outspoken TV host alleged. "This past weekend, Taylor took Tom to meet her parents in Nashville—after only three weeks of dating! Who does that?"
"Then, Taylor flew to England and met Tom's mom. This is not good, y'all," Williams, 51, continued. "I mean, first of all, you don't want your parents counting your number. And honey child, every time...I'm just saying! Right? And what you don't understand, whether you're a man or a woman, every time you bring someone home, your parents are like, 'OK, that's No. 3.' Right? Like, I was very clandestine when I was a single woman. I was a good girl and they know it. Only bring those home that you really think something is going to be popping off with. In other words, my parents have only met like four people in my entire life. In the meantime..."
Williams isn't friends with either Swift or Hiddleston, which might explain why she got some facts wrong. For example, she thought the pair danced together at the 2016 Met Gala in front of Swift's then-boyfriend Calvin Harris, but the producer was actually M.I.A. "Apparently Tom and Taylor were first spotted at Anna Wintour's house. Anna Wintour has this private dinner party right before the Met Gala with her very, very special invites. Apparently Calvin—excuse me, this dude Tom—was at Anna's house, and Calvin and Taylor were apparently still dating at the time of the Met Ball. So Calvin and Taylor, they go to the Met Ball," Williams falsely claimed. "But all of a sudden, Tom wants a dance-off. So, Taylor goes, 'OK.' And they had a dance-off."
Williams went on a tangent, saying, "Dancing is so weird to me. It's become very sexual. It's not like back in the day. It's not like that. These days if you dance with somebody, you've got to be rubbing up on something. I don't like dancing with guys. I also don't like dancing with girls. I just find that to be desperate. Dancing to me has become an individual thing, where you're standing by [yourself], you know? I mean, I dance with my husband now and again because he's the only one who knows how to hold me in the small of the back so I don't fall over. Like, he gets it, and I don't have to apologize when I step on his feet. He gets it."
As for Swift and Hiddleston at the Met Gala? "They had a dance off right in front of Calvin," she falsely alleged a second time. "Three weeks later, they're not together, Taylor and Calvin. Calvin is talking real girly about Taylor on the 'gram, saying that Taylor controlled the media and the entire situation and now he feels free. Well, you know what? I totally believe that, but you don't have to say it, Calvin. Just go on with your life. You've got what you needed out of Taylor, which is to be on Hot Topics—and so Tom's got next!"