Remember when our greatest concern about this season was whether Jon Snow was alive?
Tonight, Game of Thrones went full…Game of Thrones, we guess. All those other shows that thought they could be Game of Thrones by throwing major deaths and twists at us from every which way this past TV season? Freakin' amateurs.
So much ended up happening tonight that we don't even know what to start with. Fan theories were confirmed, revenge was had, people died, others formed alliances, one got a VERY STERN TALKING TO, several people got interesting new jobs, and finally, everyone is FINALLY on their way to take over. Let's just start from the beginning!
First, there was Cersei and Loras' trial to deal with, and it really wasn't a trial at all.
While Loras just gave up, confessed, and gave himself over to the faith, Cersei had other plans. She never intended to go to her trial, and it took way too long for everybody to figure out that that meant baaaad news for everyone who did.
Lancel knew something was up, and Margaery eventually had enough sense to tell everyone to get out, but since the goddamn High Sparrow wouldn't let her leave, she was left to explode in a glorious, upsetting show of green fire.
Yep, Cersei had the Great Sept destroyed with help from Qyburn and his little birds, and along with it went all of the septons. Cersei did make sure that her son, the king, wasn't inside, but he wasn't feeling good about that. He watched the Sept explode from his room in the Red Keep, and then promptly walked himself out of the window.
Cersei, meanwhile, was torturing the nun who "Shame! Shame!"-ed her last season. The nun said she was ready to die, but Cersei wasn't ready for her to die. She brought in the Mountain, and then closed the door on the nun's screams. Fun!
Of course, Tommen's death means something very interesting, and very terrible: all of Robert Baratheon's supposed children are dead (as far as everyone knows), so the only remaining possible queen (as far as everyone knows), is Cersei herself. So she's the queen now. Also fun!
At the Tully house, Walder Frey thought he was the boss of all bosses. Jaime tried to tell him that he wasn't actually what anyone was afraid of, because the Lannisters were really behind his success, but silly Filch is a pompous asshole who continued to behave as such.
So, when he was waiting for his sons to eat dinner, we didn't really know what to expect, until a strange girl appeared to bring him his dinner. She explained that his sons were already there, baked into his dinner. (Anyone else suddenly singing some Sweeney Todd?)
"They were difficult to carve," she said, as she ripped off her face and revealed herself to be none other than Arya Stark, come to get revenge for the death of half her family. And she did, by slicing him across the throat.
In Meereen, Dany dumped her boyfriend because she's got more important things to do. It was actually pretty sad, because Daario clearly loves her, but having him at her side isn't going to be all that helpful when she's Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. (LOVED him pointing out that she wouldn't think twice about having a "mistress" if she were a king.)
The man she did need at her side was Tyrion, who she named Hand of the Queen after they made some interesting googly eyes at each other. Do we ship this? We're not sure, but we don't hate the friendship.
By the end of the episode, Dany, Tyrion, Yara, Theon, and a whole bunch of ships were finally on their way to Westeros.
At Winterfell (which is just so nice to happily say again), the Starks were reestablishing themselves. Jon gave his parents' bedroom to Sansa, and they had a little talk about how they have to trust each other if they're going to win this war. Then, Sansa casually dropped a bomb: Winter. Is. Here.
Since winter is here, a leader in the North needed to be decided, and thanks to Lyanna Mormont standing up and giving a better speech than most grown people could ever hope to give about how they needed a king "whose name is Stark," regardless of whether he's a bastard, the men of the North have named Jon Snow their King in the North. They even chanted it, which is how you know it's really for real.
Speaking of Jon Stark, he's not a bastard at all. He's also not Ned's son.
We finally, FINALLY got all of Bran's vision at the Tower of Joy, and thanks to a much-anticipated cut-to, we got confirmation that when Ned arrived at the Tower, he found that Lyanna had just given birth, and asked him to keep her son safe. Close up of baby's face, cut to close up Jon Snow's face, and Bam! Baby identity confirmed, along with a theory that Game of Thrones fans have had for years: Jon is the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, meaning he is both a Stark and a Targaryen.
Now we just need Bran to finally catch up with his brother and figure out what to do with this information.
—Lady Olenna ended up in Dorne, where Varys and Ellaria wanted her as allies. They wanted to help her get vengeance, justice, "fire and blood."
—Sam, Gilly, and the baby finally made it to the Citadel (which we totally forgot was where they were headed), and while the guy at the front desk wasn't quite up on all the upper management changes at Castle Black, he did allow Sam to hang out in the giant, coolest library we've ever seen.
—We learned that Littlefinger thinks he's going to end up on the Iron Throne, and he wants Sansa as his queen. She's not a fan, and neither are we, so let's hope that doesn't come to fruition. He did, however, say Sansa was the one who deserved to be in power as opposed to Jon, which we kind of support.
—And finally, Melisandre finally got at least some of what was coming to her. Davos chewed her out for killing Shireen, and banished her from Winterfell forever, while we realized that whole premiere "secretly very elderly" twist was never addressed again. Intriguing…
What did you think of tonight's finale? Sound off in the comments!