Dear Hazy Shooter:
Think of a more infamous age gap, dear.
Happy New Year to you, Jon and the kids, Butch, Cleo and Margo. You've said it's only a matter of time before Angelina Jolie dumps Brad. She's already played the badass, the homewrecker and the Mother Teresa wannabe, so what do you think her next "incarnation" will be, and will it happen in '09?
Dear Angie 3.0:
I'd say the next faze would be renouncing sex and full makeup by dabbling in some crazy religion, Mormonism, perhaps? And no, I don't think it'll be as soon as '09. 2010. Early.
What do you think of People magazine's poll that declared the "couple most likely to make it to 2018" as the Afflecks and the "best boyfriend" as Jake Gyllenhaal? I read it and thought either People readers are clueless, or publicists have been working overtime (or both).
—Bemused in the New Year
Dear Blinders Off:
How much do you wanna bet People debuts the baby pics of Violet Affleck's sis or brother? That magazine is so far up everyone's ass in H'wood.
What percentage of gay rumors about A-list Hollywood actors are true? Is it true that "where there's smoke there's fire," or are some rumors totally off the wall? It always seems to be the same names that are bandied about.
Dear Burning Up:
The same names are out there, 'cause it's almost always true, darling.
You are looking absolutely delish these days! Whatever (or whomever) you're doing, keep it up, because you wear him well! Thanks for sending the best, juiciest gossip our way, and I look forward to a new year filled with bodacious naughty H'wood tattles and tidbits!
Much thank, my little brown-nose doll, Happy New Year to all you readers out there!
I finally have to speak out in defense of some Mormons. I hate what happened in California with Prop 8. If I lived in your state, I definitely would have voted no. But some of my closest friends are Mormons, and I know that they would have voted no, as well, if they didn't live in Oregon. Lumping all Mormons in with what their church leaders did is like lumping all Americans in with the decisions that Bush has made. Please lay off the Mormons as a whole unless you're going to mention all other religious groups who voted yes (Catholics?). Keep up the fight!
—A Non-Mormon from Oregon
Dear Bushies vs. Mormies:
You gotta good one on the Bush analogy. I'll tone it down, thanks.
I am addicted to your articles, sue me. My question is this: How do you decide what moniker you will attach to someone when reporting some tidbit about them?
The names hint at the vice victims.
I am a Mormon who did not vote yes on 8. I also do not walk around bashing gays every five min. It is rude and my mother raised me better. I understand your frustration over Prop 8. I just wish you would channel that into something that did not spread hate.
Dear New Resolution:
I swear I'll spread the vitriol this year magnanimously, promise!
I have to be catty for a minute and ask how much longer you think Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will remain married. I know she has a certain part of his anatomy in a sling, but do you think they'll ever split? He's rarely photographed with her, and I think it's odd that he's spent so much time in Africa during the later months of her pregnancy.
Dear Keep Up:
Oh, yeah, they've been on the rocks for a while. Baby No. 2 is just a temporary Band-Aid. They'll make it to 2018, my still-taut ass.
We owe someone big-time for removing Jolie from the public eye for a while. What is it? Cleaning up some bad habits? Love your column, by the way.
Dear Out of Sight:
Everything she does makes me suspicious. This is all probably part of her grand takeover scheme.
Jake-Reese seems obvious that it's a marketing/PR thing and not real. Why do entertainment shows, including E!, still make it sound like something? (I've probably answered my own question...moolah). The only two females I can come up with from your blind vice H-addict is Kate B. or Kirsten D. Is it either one of these?
Dear On the Money:
As for the second question, Fake à la Ferocity's name doesn't start with a K.
Just had to tell ya that I think one of the best things in gossip this year was the addition of Truth, Lies & Ted to E! Online. I love seeing you be your naughty self in your very own home whilst torturing your pets with unfortunate hairpiece choices (nothing about Margo looked happy in that pink wig). I have to admit I wasn't thrilled initially with the format change, but it's grown on me, and I'm lovin' the daily updates. Can't wait to see what you've got up your drawers for 2009!
Dear PETA Patrol:
Margo's next outfit change, we're both sorry to say.
Smokey Shooter and Mimi Kitten have got to be Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey!
Dear Purrty Close:
Fab guess, but wrong duo. Right in the sense that Mimi is the older one in the relaysh.
Gotta ask, is Toothy Tile actually Tobey Maguire?
—Toothy's Identity Is Getting Under My Skin and He Is Getting Itchy
Dear Itch It Out:
Right age group, but Toothy ain't Spidey.
I have to commend you for not letting up on the Nicole Kidman bodyguard/paparazzi attack. I'm curious, though, do you know any details about the attack? Like why it happened? And you're mentioning it to try to force someone to bring the details to light, or are you as curious as the rest of us and just know something smells fishy about the whole thing? Do tell!
It happened the same reason Kanye West thinks he can destroy paparazzi cameras at LAX—because celebrities think they're entitled to special vengeful privileges, i.e., Jennifer Aniston disrobing out of protest over Angie stealing her man. None of it ever works in the end, although Kidman looks to be getting away with this sorry episode in her life.