Confession: Before tonight, I had never seen an episode of The Bachelorette. But apparently I picked a good night to start watching, because this was a highly entertaining two hours—despite the fact that if I didn't know any better, I'd think this was a show about a dude named Chad just weightlifting his way through life rather than a chick named Jojo looking for love.
Anyway, despite a complete lack of qualification to recap tonight's episode of The Bachelorette, that's totally what I have done for you this evening. And know this: I get it. I totally get it now. Like, the episode opened with one of the many, many indistinguishable white dudes (albeit one I would learn to recognize by name) complaining about one of his competitors for Jojo's affection. Let's get into it, shall we?
"I actually think Chad has two sides to him," Evan complained in the opening moments of the episode. "You have a douche, and then you also have an asshole."
So, pretty much what you expect when you name your child Chad? (Sorry to the good Chads out there, but I have only had negative experiences. Chads gonna Chad.)
Solo Date No. 1: Chase
Jojo (sorry, I mean the producers), decided to send Jojo and her suitor on a date to hot yoga, which honestly sounds like an absolute nightmare. Have you ever been to a hot yoga class? The stench in the room alone, right? But apparently this was sexy hot yoga, where Jojo and Chase got intimate and had an "anger-gasm." I watched it happen and still don't know what that is, but Chase sounded like Joey Tribbiani when doing it. "Heyyy. Heyyyy."
Meanwhile, back in the mansion, Chad and Daniel were working out. Wait, guys, do they always check out each other's butts while lifting weights on this show? You know what they say, the bros who lift together… (I don't know what they say but it was mad homoerotic. This is the best show!!!!)
Okay, we returned to the date, where Jojo said what I'm sure the producers were really hoping she would when they planned this event—"I can confidently say this is the first time I've mounted a guy on the first date," she quipped (insert rimshot here)—and then Jojo and Chase made out.
Later, they talked about marriage and Chase's parents' divorce. You know, the typical romantic stuff you want out of a first date. Then Jojo gave him a rose. I thought this happened at a big ceremony at the end of the episode? Anyway, he's staying. Then Charles Kelley was singing out in the backyard, so they went outside to slow dance. Do you think Charles had a less romantic song picked out in case Chase didn't get a rose? Just kidding, I've seen UnREAL, I know the deal. He was getting a rose ALL ALONG!
Group Date: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad (I think that's it? I don't actually know anyone's names but these sound totally plausible.)
Chad told the other bros that he didn't want to go on the group date, and they were all VERY shocked and asked him why he didn't want to go. The conversation was told exclusively through sly smirks, which made me wonder if they were closer they would they have made out instead? And one of them would've tucked a strand of hair behind the other's ear? Guys, maybe I'm projecting, but it really felt like that was going to happen. I also don't think I could tell you the name of any person who took part in this conversation, because they all look identical. I don't even think I could number these muscular, bearded white men because I legitimately wouldn't be able to discern the difference between each of them.
One of the muscular bearded white men complained about "friction with Chad." I BET THERE WAS FRICTION! HEYO!
Anyway. They all went to a weird sex show where a lady opened the night by having an orgasm on stage. "I've never heard anything like that," said Vinny. Color me unsurprised, Vinny.
The date entailed the men telling their own sex anecdotes onstage, which was not very erotic and actually very, very disturbing. One guy talked about cutting off some woman's hair and another recited the alphabet in the most horrific way I've ever heard in my entire life. Also, the host said at one point, "high marks for Wells and his hysterical threesome story." We'll just have to trust you, lady.
Chad was not stoked about telling a sex story, since it's something he thinks should be kept to yourself. After one of his competitors voiced what I'm assuming the producers said to them all—"Just get some booze in you, buddy!"—he ended up having the most awkward encounter of all and bombing when he tried to kiss Jojo on stage.
They all went back to the house, where Chad continued to stew in his frustration and anger (he was pissed that Evan made fun of him in his story, and even tugged his shirt a bit when Evan returned to the audience after his turn) and then voiced a phrase I am absolutely certain he has said many times before in his life: "If I can't lift weights I'm gonna murder someone."
Then all the dudes had their individual moments where they talked really close to Jojo's face and told her how much they liked her. (Is this what happens on every group date?) I don't know which one said which thing because, as I established before, I cannot tell all these white people apart.
Alright, I know that at this point I have seen a little over half of a whole episode of The Bachelorette but does Chad know what this show is? Because I feel like I have a better grasp of it than he does. Competing with other dudes for Jojo's affection is literally what he signed up for.
What did I miss between Evan and Chad? Because Evan is pretty obsessed with Chad. Like, to a weird extent. But he got a rose anyway (despite telling Jojo he wanted to leave if Chad stayed), then said he was totally going to brag about it to his kids. "Boys, guess what? Daddy made out with Jojo!" Ummm. Um. Um. Ok.
Solo Date No. 2: James Taylor
Hold up: There is a singer-songwriter named James Taylor on this show?! Anyway, he and Jojo got all gussied up in period outfits and went swing dancing. It was very sweet. A little respite from all the Chad. Later, he took out an acoustic guitar and serenaded Jojo, which, CRINGE, but actually he was kind of good and Jojo loved it. So BULLET DODGED but warning to men everywhere, don't pull out an acoustic guitar on a first date unless you are REALLY confident it's going to go well, because it usually doesn't.
But back to the Chad.
The next scene I am not certain I can describe in words. It involved Mussolini, Hitler, and an adult man having a conversation with another person while crunching into a raw sweet potato. You had to be there.
Despite having a rose already, Evan decided that Chad was still a problem—so he tattled on him to Chris Harrison, saying that none of the guys felt safe around Chad. But Chad told Chris it was the guys' problem, not his, and in the absence of any actual violence to send him home over, Chris told Chad he should probably just apologize to the other guys.
Then the episode ended.
I am in UTTER SUSPENSE as to whether Jojo will keep Chad around any longer, because we have to wait until tomorrow for the rose ceremony, but here's what I think: She knows he's douche, but he's also SO entertaining. Why not keep him around for fun? I mean, I love Chad. But I hate Chad. No, I love Chad. Chad, you have me so torn! Viva Chad.
Stay tuned for part two of the EPIC CHAD ADVENTURE tomorrow at 8 p.m. on ABC.