The following drama takes place between the hours of 3:40 and 7:30 p.m. The events depicted are real. Real Housewives.
Yes, the ladies of The Real Housewives of New York City fought, called each other sluts, screamed, cried, apologized and then talked even more s—t all within four hours at Dorinda Medley's Berkshires home. As Dorinda has been saying on social media, it's more like the Beserkshires. Forget the Rey drama (but really how could you?), this was RHONY at its finest.
Things kicked off at 3:40 p.m. with Bethenny Frankel just launching into Luann de Lesseps after Luann seemingly insinuated she came up with Skinnygirl margaritas. She was merciless and all Luann could do was remind Bethenny that the Skinnygirl mogul's sassy new haircut looks a lot like the Countess'. At one point Bethenny was talking about Luann to Ramona Singer while Luann was directly next to Ramona. She just didn't care.
"Bethenny is truly like a sniper. When she puts that red eye on your forehead, you're done," Dorinda said. It's true. Bethenny was just relentless, calling Luann out on her hypocritical actions, like breaking the "girl code" and not checking with Ramona about dating Tom, a man Ramona previously dated, and overall preserved phoniness.
A choice interaction where Bethenny was basically mocking Luann's actions:
Bethenny: "Play Grey Gardens and rehab over at my friend's house on the Upper East Side?"
Luann: "Are you getting laid right now or not? What's the problem?"
Bethenny: "You're making up for all of us, but I'm making out OK."
Luann: "Oh really? Am I the Kim Cattrall of the family or what? Really?"
All this was happening when Carole Radziwill walked in and Carole knows a good joke, she so brought this one back from St. Barth's: "I walk into Dorinda's house and I hear Bethenny arguing with a man and I think John is here, only to discover it's Luann. I mean Luman."
At 4:20 p.m., Bethenny ended the tirade with this: "You are a slut and a liar and a hypocrite and a snake. That's the truth." "Glad to hear it," Luann said back. So what happened? What prompted this? Bravo took us back to the beginning and showed some choice interactions between B and the Countess. And you can tell Bethenny was still peeved about Luann trying to get in on her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills crossover. Plus, Bethenny is team Carole and Luann was anything but nice to Carole last year.
Two key parts that stemmed from this bizarre and amazing. The first: Luann tried to rehash everything and get sympathy from newbie Jules Wainstein while Jules was on the phone with her ailing father. This just illustrated basically everything Bethenny took issue with regarding Luann, didn't it? Jules said she indulged because she's "subservient." STOP.
"Alright Luann. Sick dad, you're a slut. Alright, I'll talk to you about being a whore," Jules said in a confessional.
Should've shut her down.
At 5:20 p.m., after Dorinda's 4:55 p.m. breakdown over her birthday cake and her costars' lack of respect for her and her home, Ramona coached Luann on what to say in apology texts. Luann said she was misunderstood to Bethenny about Skinnygirl and apologized for calling Carole a "pedafile." Sorry, pedophile. She didn't know how to spell pedophile. Bethenny and Carole basically laughed the texts off.
Later, at 7:30 p.m., Luann was still not over the haircut similarity and whore allegations and was ranting about Bethenny when Bethenny walked in. TO BE CONTINUED…
What is it about the Berkshires that sets these women off? Is it the fresh air? They can only live on the smog of New York City, filled with the scent of urine, garbage and street meat? While all this went down at Dorinda's Sonja Morgan went to get her vagina freshened up. Seriously.
Some other choice things said by these lovable wacky ladies:
"What are you, single white drag queen?" Bethenny on Luann's obsession with her hair.
"I just said it all…I just lost my mind. I don't know where I am. I just need to lay down," Bethenny to Carole and Dorinda about verbally lashing Luann.
"Saying what I said to Luann made me feel like a constipated person who just took a giant s—t. I felt some relief, but it's embarrassing. I'm at someone else's house and just called someone a whore. It's maybe passed my bedtime," Bethenny on Luann, once again.
"I'm a walking s--t show!" – Dorinda re: her parties always being a disaster.
"Like I say in my song, ‘Chic C'est La Vie'…," Luann. No explanation needed.
"I love Law & Order," Dorinda.
"She's not the smartest person. She thinks she is, but she's not," Ramona regarding Luann's actions.
"I'm allergic to fish, remember?" Bethenny on wanting to be with a woman being on her bucket list, but not wanting to perform oral sex on another female.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesdays, 9 p.m. on Bravo.
(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)