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Robert Pattinson

Chris Polk/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Is it me or does this Robert Pattinson guy look like he is stoned on the good green or what? His eyes always look like they could close at any minute, and they are quite bloodshot. I may get accosted by an angry mob for saying this, seeing as how crazy the ladies are going for this cat, but he looks like a good old-fashioned pothead to me. Not that there is anything wrong with that!

Dear Toke Bloke:
Wouldn’t be a far reach, considering how he likes to prepare for auditions.

Dear Ted:
So now that Hef is not with Bridget, Kendra or Holly, why are they in the news so much? The fact that both Kendra and Holly moved on so quickly, especially Holly, who claimed that Hef was her "soul mate," just shows how fake the whole thing was. I never believed she was honestly attracted to him, let alone in love with him, and now she's going to get attention for Criss Angel? Seriously? Was she just sticking around Hef till she had enough of her own money and didn't need him anymore? I think I already know the answer to that, but please enlighten me!
—Amy, Calif.

Dear Pondering Playmates:
Not like Hef minded being used. Get real. 

Dear Ted:
Do you have any information on Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo?

Dear Napping With Nick:
Yes, info on them beats sleeping pills. 

Dear Ted:
Enough already about Prop 8. If I have to read one more story with you asking a celeb what they think about Prop 8 (like do you really think they're going to disagree with you?) I'm going to puke. I can see why you feel very strongly about this subject but most people come here to read something light and fluffy. Is E! paying you to blog about your political convictions or about celeb gossip?

Dear Toilet-Ready:
They’re paying me both to gossip and to call out stupid things, like your name, for starters. 

Dear Ted:
Bravo to the "Whiniston" comment. I'm so sick of her I could scream. On the cover of Vogue? It was tremendously pathetic. I cancelled my subscription over it. That's not the Vogue I know and love—giving a barely relevant movie star a platform to whine about the "uncool" woman who took up with her man. Women get cheated on all the time and lose husbands. Believe me, I know. But I didn't make noise about it for years after the fact. And a man can't be "stolen" if he's worth keeping. Obvs, the relationship wasn't working, so he left. Big whoop. It happens every day to women in worse positions (i.e. less money, lots of kids, no job), so she really needs to quit talking about it.

Dear Angered Over Aniston:
Babe, you should make some noise when a man’s unfaithful to you. To your friends, not magazines.  

Dear Ted:
You of all people know that Hollywood is full of secrets. So I must ask, is actress Kate Walsh secretly a man? Or was she once a man? Everything about Kate, her size, her masculine eyes, her deep voice and her large face is very man-ish. I just saw her on Ellen and she seemed so aloof and strange and seemed to be "trying too hard." I knew you were the only person I could turn to for the real answer.

Dear Jennifer Aniston:
Stop writing letters under fake names to get the Maniston heat off you, honey. These hater campaigns do you no favors. 

Dear Ted:
America has elected its first black president. In just a few years we'll have voted to allow same-sex marriages (I know it will happen). What barriers are coming down next?

Dear Eyes on the Prize:
All of ‘em, except out gay leading men in Hollywood, babe. They’re so damn shut in, they’ll probably survive a nuclear holocaust, too, along with Sarah Palin’s hair. 

Dear Ted:
Who do you think is more dunzo, Courtney Love or Amy Winehouse?
—Ellen, Ohio

Dear Train Wreck Ladies:
Regarding career or life expectancy? They’re about tied for both. 

Dear Ted:
How convenient for Angelina to pull out the last card women use when they are cornered for being bad—crying. Great way to distract from the high school-like controversy she started. Now everyone in the media has forgotten how "uncool" she is.

Dear Crybaby:
We haven’t.  

Dear Ted:
Is Oded Big-Head Kanye West? Also, thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to speak out against Prop H8 and discrimination. God thinks you're fabulous!

Dear Wishing for West:
We think you mean Oded Good-Head, but Big-Head would certainly fit Kan. Quite close, but keep guessin’, hon.