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Jennifer Aniston, Vogue Inside

Craig McDean/Vogue

Dear Ted:
Why do people call Jennifer Aniston "Maniston"? At first I thought it was because she was dating John Mayer. But they broke up and I kept seeing her referred to as Maniston. Is it because she kind of looks like a man? I mean, she makes herself kind of cute but it isn't a great face.

Dear Mangina:
On the nose. But there are oodles better nicknames to describe Jen. Whiniston would be my pick.

Dear Ted:
Is Moony Tuna from One Poochy Pathetic Blind Vice Charlie Sheen? And is Chubby Asparagus the guy from The King of Queens? Please tell!

Dear 0 for 2:
Neither of these boob tubs are right. Moony is less present than Sheen is on the screen, while Chubby doesn’t have a movie presence like Kevin James does. Not exactly. Also, wrong primary métier.

Dear Ted:
Is Oded Good-Head from One Unmanageable Blind Vice LL Cool J? He always seemed hot, but something's missing. At first I thought Jared Leto because it sorta fit but would totally kill all my fantasies about him. Pretty as he is, I think he digs chicks. Love you!

Dear Getting Warmer:
You’re so close on Oded dear, but wrong rapper. Love you back! So damn little of it these days, too.

Dear Ted:
dore your column, retina-burning yellow and all. I've never written before, but finally now have a little stack of issues to address: First, Toothy Tile. Everyone knows who he is. Why are your lawyers making you stay so coy about it? You'd have a pretty damned strong defense in a libel/slander suit (you know, what with you telling the truth and all). Second, I'm really sorry about Prop 8. My mom is gay and although we don't live in California, she took it pretty hard. We'll get there eventually. You're a great role model and I hope you keep fighting the good fight. And third, I caught the Madonna concert in Denver this week. Good show, despite being 90 minutes late for no apparent reason. But I had to tell you—she had no fake accent. She sounded all American to me and my girlfriends. Interesting for her to dump the Brit husband, address and accent all at once, no?

Dear Get It Off Your Chest:
Since M has rid herself of anything London, what’s she gonna pick up while with A-Rod? Let’s hope she doesn’t try baseball with the same chutzpah she did acting. And thanks for the kudos, babe!

Dear Ted:
Is Oded Good-Head Ray-J?

Dear Sex, Lies, & Videotape:
Uh, the Kardashian sex vid was for real. Think more brute for O.

Dear Ted:
I've been an Osmond fan for over 30 years. I even have a YouTube channel with over 300 videos. But after seeing the anti-gay comments posted by various Osmonds, I am very sickened and sad that they would spread so much hate!

Dear Confused:
You have no idea how many more bubbles there are where that came from. None.

Dear Ted:
Hope you and your hubby are safe with the wildfires. Margo and the cats, too. I really want to know who Mooney Tuna is. Alec Baldwin, perchance? Thanks bunches.

Dear Tuna Tart:
knows our Vice archive well—but not as Mooney, sorry, sweetie.

Dear Ted:
I'm part of your broader audience (Latin, Catholic, conservative, straight) and what happened [with Prop 8] is beyond any words of love our God ever said. Love will prevail, you will see. This just happened so the battle will be remembered by history.

Dear Fight the Good Fight:
Thanks hon. Just wish we could fast-forward to the future. There might be flying cars by the time it happens.

Dear Ted:
So after the Prop 8 debacle, I have two suggestions: (1) Move Sundance to a gay-friendly venue, like, say S.F. or NYC or L.A.; (2) Give the Church of LDS a choice: pay taxes so you can lobby and get involve in politics or keep your tax-exempt status as a religion and limit yourselves to discussions of same as it pertains to your membership.

Dear Hollers for Dollars:
on, babe.

Dear Ted:
First time I've been paid something for a piece, so it's super cool. Thanks for keeping it real, Ted, your fans and inspired folks need it!


Dear Black and Queer:
Loved your article, hon. We need more proud people like you making your presence known.

Dear Ted:
Is Oded Good-Head Chris Brown?


Dear Oggling Oded:
Sorry, babe, C.B.’s all about Rihanna these days. Think a bit older.

Dear Ted:
What do you honestly think of Britney Spears? Past and present.


Dear Stuck on Spears:
We never hold back what we think of our dear Britters. Just read the column and you’ll see we think the fab girl’s still falling apart at the seams—she’s just wearing better clothes.

Dear Ted:
C'mon, we know you love Nicole and Hugh...Tell me you are just as excited as us about their new film Australia. Good on ya, mate!
—Rose, Australia

Dear Cheers!
Love ya down undah darlings! But I’m more excited about Kidman’s PR tour for her new flick, where we might just get an inkling more info about Cruise.

Dear Ted:
As an outsider looking in, it seems as if Americans are accepting a black president. Then my relatives in Texas burst my bubble by telling me that a rash of race-hate crimes have broken out across the U.S. since Obama's victory. The world already holds a dim view of Americans. Are these stories true, Ted? Or am I naive to think that 200-plus years of racism is starting to fade?
Ellie, Trinidad & Tobago

Dear Hopeful:
It’s dimming, but it’s still there. Just check my comment boards, if you don’t believe.