Dear Ted:
OK, so you do not like Angie and you squarely are in Jen's corner, but come on, even you have to agree that after four years, Jen is the one who looks “uncool.” I mean, didn't you say that Jen and Brad were on the rocks even before Angie? I liked her, but now am disappointed in her. There are now children involved, and let us now pretend that a divorce is anything unusual these days. Grow up!
—Aegsj
Dear J.Nasty:
I think Aniston could have said a lot worse than “uncool.” And Angie’s been called much harsher things, certainly in this blolumn.
Dear Ted:
I have been reading your column since college, and it is always dead on. I was telling a coworker about the George and Laura Bush living arrangements, post-White House, i.e., the Dallas/Crawford Ranch situation. She said she had seen an interview with W where he said he was going to Crawford and Laura in another interview mentioned the Dallas area. You rock!
—Lauren, San Antonio
Dear Old Faithful:
Thanks sweetums, I’ll keep the dirt coming, pinky swear.
Dear Ted:
Is Oded Good-Head from One Unmanageable Blind Vice Adam Levine of Maroon 5?
—Lance
Dear Sing On:
Nope, A.L. wines and dines plenty of ladies, trust.
Dear Ted:
I wish Jennifer Aniston had resisted the temptation to respond to Angie's many digs. It makes it seem like Pitt is worth fighting over, and we can't have that. She should just grin and say "Yeah, good luck with that."
—Jeanette
Dear PR Pro:
Maybe Jen should hire you on to her team. What advice you got regarding John Mayer?
Dear Ted:
My favorite uncle was gay. There was no question about his being gay from his earliest years. He didn’t choose it, and his life was a living hell because of it. He wanted children and he wanted a happy family, and because of that he got married, and we both know that didn’t work out well. Living a lie just wasn’t in him. Proposition 8 was a big deal to this 60-year-old straight female. I voted against it, and I will vote again and again until gay people get their rights. Murderers and rapists in prison can get married and gay people can’t. What a steaming pile.
—Gail
Dear Fight On:
There are still many who share our beliefs, we will prevail.
Dear Ted:
Is closeted actor-musician-felationist Oded Good-Head the rapper Bow Wow? If not, have I got the right genre?
—Dbryandolman
Dear Sniffing Closer:
No. Yes.
Dear Ted:
When are we going to get more on Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny? I never watched the series, but I saw the movie, and I said to myself, Those two make a cute couple. Then I saw the photos of them at the L.A. and London premieres, and it seems that they are very close.
—Adnice
Dear Onto Something:
That’s precisely what I said, to David’s lawyer, and then he threatened to sue me! What does that tell you?
Dear Ted:
My mind is spinning out of control now. You mean to tell me that none of the following are the same person: Crotch Uh-Lastic, Crisp Lisp, Oded Good-Head, Public Thrust, Dimpled Drew, Lloyd Boy-Toyed, Matinee Mooner, Furrowed Frank, Sinewy Slim, Vanilla Fill-Ya, Renaldo Rim-Me, Slurpa Pop-Off, Meatless Member, Plumper Dumper, Jiggly Wiggle-Poof, Press Prune, Dubba Do-Me and Prance Butt?
—Guttersnype
Dear Homo-Whammy:
Precisely. Have fun, babe!
Dear Ted:
Please just shoot straight. Why all the hints about our favorite showmance lately? We're not feeling the heat either, but are seeing the icy cold stiff look Orlando has when called in to make his appearances. Just spill it already, please. Will this joke be over by Xmas?
—BetTina, ChrisTina,and PaTina.
Dear Homance:
Too close to call. But yes, they’ll be over sometime.
Dear Ted:
Is David Boreanaz Chubby Asparagus from One Poochy Pathetic Blind Vice?
—Kamila
Dear So Off:
Heaven’s no. Think diff main talent, as it's, well, something you do with your tongue besides kiss hookers.
Dear Ted:
Is Gerard Butler gay?
—Daria
Dear Queer-isitive:
Why in the world are you asking me? Ask the chicks he shot all those lame pickup lines to.
Dear Ted:
You rock. You roll. You got the George Clooney exclusive on the most newsworthy piece of civil-rights legislation to come around in a long time. Brilliant. This is a true journalistic coup that once again validates your credibility and sets you apart from your peers. More importantly, you have successfully shot this issue into the national mainstream media by having the most beloved celebrity call it what it is—discrimination against a protected class.
—JenJen, Chicago
Dear Benevolent Babe:
Stop, no, don’t!