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Blind Vice

We were gonna inform you folks about Mooney Tuna, a TV titan whose return to the boob tube was so explosive he can't keep up with all the money his network's throwing at him to stay put this time. Too bad all that cash can't buy some sex education. M.T.'s former bedmates tell us the dude can't even put on his prophylactics correctly. When you're that rich, guess you really can't do anything by yourself.

So predictable, just like the following sad tale we rather prefer:

Chubby Asparagus used to be so cute, in that trash-collector-hit-the-lottery-and-got-a-makeover kinda way.

Always something likable about his in-your-face appeal, totally doable, too. Until he decided bad TV was his thing and Sara Lee was his lady, along with all those real-life ladies you have to purchase.

So, Chubby's unhappy in his marriage, big deal. Oldest story in the book, right? It's what the malcontents do about the bad situation at home that separates the duds from the studs.

Try and work it out? Awesome. Decide to leave with dignity and without busting up all the china? Cool, too. Go to Vegas and order a hooker to the club where you're having a drink instead of straight to your hotel room? Total loserville on so many levels.

Geez, man, you paid for that kinda public humiliation? You must truly be desperate.

And It Ain't: John Travolta, Scott Baio, Howie Mandel