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Cindy McCain

NBC Photo: Paul Drinkwater

Dear Ted:
Though it was hard at first, I stuck with you through the E! Online revamp, and I'm glad I did—you're the best, darling! My question is: Now that the election is over, would you please confirm that Shirley Surly from One Matronly Messing Around Blind Vice is Cindy McCain?
—Claire, R.I.

Dear Pushy:
I cannot tell a lie, quite unlike Mr. Surly.

Dear Ted:
Don't try to make the black community look wholly or even primarily responsible for getting Prop 8 passed. Tons more white people voted against giving gays their rights. I'm tired of hearing it. It's bull.

Dear Blame Game:
Pointing fingers is so much easier than having to look deeply into many wrongdoings. Despite statistics of minorities voting overwhelmingly for Prop 8, this problem is far bigger than putting the burden on only one group of haters.

Dear Ted:
Borrow a pair and grow the ef up, loser. How old are you, anyways? Seriously? Bashing a pop star that's slowly making her way back from one of the toughest years we've seen any celebrity go through is a pretty low blow. Why you even have a job at E! is beyond me.

Dear Dumberfounded:
Apparently because I spark reactions such as yours. And who are you talking about, anyway, Britney, who's just using us for her latest emotionally dysfunctional comeback, or Pink, who was wearing simply the most atrocious dress? And if we're to start speaking only sympathetically about every celeb who has a tough spot, we'd have nothing to talk about—ever.

Dear Ted:
Has Nicole Kidman's forehead gotten really tall or it just me? Seems like she needs to have her hairline lowered. Thoughts?
—KB, Houston

Dear Spatial Issues:
To be honest, I try to not stare directly at her noggin. It's been creepy lately, like Meg Ryan's lips. Nic is hardly the worst in this town, though. I mean, who would you rather do, Nicole or Tara Reid?

Dear Ted:
Has Eddie Murphy been the subject of several blind vices? Gotta know!

Dear Duh:
You do now.

Dear Ted:
Is Oded Good-Head from One Unmanageable Blind Vice Justin Timberlake? If not, how about Nick Jonas?

Dear Younghot:
Your dirty mind's so delish. But no, N.J. had better stay out of the B.V.'s for at least two more years. As for J.T., I said earlier he's not this one. But close.

Dear Ted:
I can't help but notice Angelina Jolie's stock has risen considerably since she hooked up with Brad Pitt. His has been flat. Before him, she was a famous celeb, but more so on the fringe. Now it's all Angie all the time, and Brad's been relegated to being her sidekick. Is he not bothered by this?

Dear Plummeting Pitt:
Please, Brad's so whipped he doesn't know which way is up or down. Unless it's on Angie. Is great sex really worth all that? I guess we have our answer.

Dear Ted:
What's Fake à la Ferocity from One Needling Blind Vice up to these days?
—Just Asking

Dear Ferocious Fake:
Same stuff, different day. Trying to suppress her real self, for the moment.

Dear Ted:
Please, give us more information about David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. Put it in the form of a Blind Vice if you have to, but we need more! I'm so sorry about Prop 8, but I am confident that in the end equality will prevail. Hang in there, you have the support of so many people, straight and gay alike.

Dear Trick and Treat:
I would never insinuate such a thing as a sex addict schtupping his easy costar. Does that sound likely to you? And thanks for the support, mucho appreciated.

Dear Ted:
Very surprised by so-called "enlightened" California's Prop 8 going through to ban gay marriage (and sad for so many people who got screwed by it).Other than moving to Massachusetts, where it's already an accepted practice, I hope all y'all get another chance to fight for it again soon. Rock on, and please post a picture of your ferocious feline, Butch, miss him.

Dear Anti-Prop:
Thanks doll-face. And I'll be sure that Butch makes an appearance in Truth, Lies & Ted again soon.

Dear Ted:
I am sure the gay marriage issue is not gone. Sure, freedom is not free, but oppression is "full price." As soon as gay Americans sue to get tax refunds from fed or state for their lack of rights, it might get attention from politicos. I am tired of paying full tax to get legally discriminated against. I am sure some law firm would take on a class-action lawsuit. Imagine how many of us deserve the settlement! Granted, cash will not make up for the oppression, but it will get their attention. Congrats on finding "the one." I am still looking.
—Mike in Oklahoma

Dear Hopeful Avenger:
I mean, we're gonna get our rights eventually, so Mormon's should save their money and haters should save their time and call it a day. Like that's gonna happen. Good luck on your search, M.