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The Unauthorized Full House Story

Scott Schafer/Lifetime

Well this is a major bummer for Full House fans.

The first clip from the upcoming Lifetime special The Unauthorized Full House Story was just released by BuzzFeed and it is...disturbing. This shouldn't be that much of a shock, of course, given the history. Most of the channel's previous unauthorized specials have been extremely bizarre—there's just something about watching unknown actors pretend to be famous actors that feels wrong.

And then there was that cast photo. It is perhaps the single weirdest picture in existence...and that's not an exaggeration. When Lifetime released the early look at the fake Tanners it certainly set off some red flags, and this clip is just making those red flags, well, more red. You kind of have to see it to believe it, so watch below and then let's discuss at length all the issues that are creeping us out.

Full House fans, watch the first clip from Lifetime's "The Unauthorized Full House Story"

Posted by BuzzFeed Entertainment on Wednesday, July 29, 2015

1. Uncle Jesse's werewolf wig. First of all, it's clearly made of immovable plastic. Second of all, what's with the single bang hair? It's not helping with the creature-of-the-night vibe.

2. Uncle Jesse's tank top. Did he just come from a session pumping iron at Gold's Gym? Did he just come from an amateur back-room boxing tournament? Did he just come a beer bong contest at the local frat house? If none of those answers are yes, there is no excuse for that sad strip of fabric masquerading as clothing. Jesse may have been into rock-n'-roll but he wasn't that much of a sleaze ball.

3. Fake Michelle. Is it just us or is that actually a three-year-old child who can walk and talk and not, in fact, a six-month-old infant who makes stinky diapers (as was the case in the original Full House scene this is replicating). She's almost as tall as Joey for Christ sakes.

4. The Tanner House interior decorating. Danny wasn't one to say no to bad wood stains and plaid fabrics, but look at all those knick-knacks! They didn't leave in a Northwoods cabin, they lived in a San Francisco row house. 

5. "I got a buddy who trains poodles." Please tell us Dave Coulier doesn't actually think that dog-wrangling skills and child-rearing are one in the same. 

5. Bob Saget. Really?! We all know he likes his share of dirty jokes, but the stand-up club is a far stretch from actually wanting strippers to come to the set of his family sitcom. He is a father, after all. 

6. Also, everything about Fake Bob Saget is just...yuck. The real Danny Tanner's dirty jokes are funny because he's well, Danny Tanner. This guy seems like he might have actually come to set straight from the strip club.

7. Uncle Joey's half-mullet. It's creepy because it actually looks spot-on.

8. Grown men in robes and pajamas. This isn't actually unique to just the Lifetime reenactment—it was weird in the original Full House too. But that doesn't mean we want to be reminded of it.