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Clint Eastwood, Angelina Jolie

Dominique Charriau/WI/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
First let me say this letter in no way minimizes the tragedy that has befallen Jennifer Hudson, but why haven't we seen headlines that say Julia Hudson? They both lost their mother, they both lost their brother, and it is Julia who has lost her 7-year-old child in a most horrific way.
—Cathy, Texas

Dear Bigger Sister:
'Cause Jennifer's the bigger name, that's why. I don't think either one of them is fighting for headlines, though.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Angelina has a thing for Clint Eastwood? I know he's married, but did you notice her pics with him, she couldn't wipe that flirty, seductive smile off her face. And you know she has a record of hooking up with men in her films. Clint is older, I know, but very attractive, and I'm sure charming. What do you think?

Dear Angie Eyes:
I think her merde-eating grin was because of all the attention she got from the cameras, not Clint.

Dear Ted:
What are your thoughts on Joaquin Phoenix "quitting Hollywood" and heading towards music? Real, or just an opportunity for an out-of-retirement-deal down the road?

Dear Joaquin' Out:
I think he thinks this is it. Which it's so not. J.P.'s a true actor, and a real one can't live without it.

Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf from One Fine-Print Prick Blind Vice Javier Bardem? Gael Garcia Bernal? Pretty, but not so much pure carne... It's so not Marc Anthonyew.
—La Nenita

Dear Dios Mio, No:
S-B's not of Hispanic heritage, hon.

Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket LeBeouf Keith Urban? Some would say he has great hair, and he definitely is mediocre at his nonthespian career.

Dear Urban Legend:
I would say both, but I wouldn't call him Stud-Bucket. Think far more doable (certainly for a second go-round, hon, unlike Keith).

Dear Ted:
Your predictions for the demise of Brangelina are no secret. I, too, once felt that way. However, now that there are six children involved, I predict that their commitment to the kids will outweigh any commitment they have to each other, and in the end they'll do what so many unhappy couples do: stay together "for the kids."
—Jenny, Md.

Dear Brangie Breakup:
Just like Madge 'n' Guy did?

Dear Ted:
Several times you've told us that you don't believe the whole Jake/Reese romance thing. Now you tell us that Reese really likes Jake? Which is it, Ted?

Dear Look Deeper:
There are many forms of like.

Dear Ted:
Who is really cheating, Paris or Benji?
—Chris, Texas

Dear Parji:
Could you blame either one of them if they both were?

Dear Ted:
Is Stud-Bucket Ryan Seacrest?
—Nikki, Wash.

Dear Wringing Ryan:
E! prolly wouldn't let us tell you if it was...good thing it ain't.

Dear Ted:
Readers really need to give you a break about Nicole Kidman's bodyguard incident. Not confronting the issue reaffirms celebs' delusion that they're beyond reproach—that they can say "poof" and a bad deed will go away. No doubt you know what it's like to be called a poof deep in the hollers of Texas, but you've sure got the balls not to let this brutal incident disappear unchallenged. It was—and is—socially unacceptable for Kidman not to comment. Violence is one issue she can't Photoshop.
—Susan, Germany

Dear Right On:
Thanks. At least we know the truth, eh?

Dear Ted:
Is Shoshanna Lonstein, Jerry Seinfeld's ex-girlfriend, such an obvious choice that no one would even name her as a possibility for One Sneaky Dame Blind Vice? Or are your readers too young to even remember her?

Dear What's The Deal:
She's not that obvious to us—and we ain't that young. Try again, babe, someone much more in the spotlight.

Dear Ted:
I just discovered your site and I'm already addicted. Did Duchovny and Anderson ever hook up while they were doing The X-Files? I'm asking because I was a huge fan and had a crush on him until today.

Dear Sex Files:
Thanks buckets, babe, but you call yourself an X-Files fan?

Dear Ted:
I think I know who Stud-Bucket LeBeouf is. It's Nigel Barker from ANTM, isn't it?

Dear America's Next Top Man Whore:
Definitely not. Much more high-profile, much.

Dear Ted:
I've been reading about Toothy Tile for years. Is he Denzel Washington?

Dear Wondering Washington:
Haven't you been reading our column? Den's a happily married man, as he squacked to us. T.T. can't say the same about his relaysh—or won't.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain