You know nothing, Sunday Times. No, seriously, you know nothing about the Game of Thrones season five premiere as you were apparently were not invited to the launch.
How do we know this? Because The Sunday Times published a deliciously passive-aggressive review about Sky Atlantic and the HBO series, even though they were not among the critics/writers invited to a viewing party.
So what did they write if they didn't even know whether the season premiere was any good? Glad you asked.
The review, which is titled "Winter Is Here, Maybe" reads as follows:
"We don't know what we did to upset them, but the fold at Sky Atlantic decided the Sunday Times TV desk should not be invited to the launch of their latest series of the blood, sex and dragons saga.
The channel rarely makes any effort to keep us onside and we use Twitter to find out what it is up to. We have no idea if this week's episode is any good, but we asked people who were at the launch and their response was: ‘It's OK, nothing great, bit of sex, but not much happens this week'. More updates as we get them."
Is this not the sassiest review that ever sassed? The full title of the TV show isn't even printed; instead the title above the review reads "G*** of T******" so people might think they are reading a review for Gong of Thirsts, which is a show we just made up about people who are so thirsty for liquid that they are willing to be hit in the gut with a gong baton. And they have to make the "bong!" noise, too.
We should really be in the television development field. People would totally watch that.
Anyway, we're sure this bitchy review of the season-five premiere did not affect the ratings, as we expect millions upon millions of fans tuned in to watch Tyrion puke and rally, Jon Snow confirm to a stranger that he no longer has his V-card and Daenerys realizing that maybe chaining up her dragons wasn't her best idea.
And that's our one sentence recap of Game of Thrones. You're welcome.