Poor, Kirk Cameron. You thought you could pull a fast one over the Internet. Sorry, bro. The Internet knows all, sees all and willingly destroys all. To be fair, you totally asked for it.
If you haven't heard of Kirk Cameron's little film called Saving Christmas, for starters: we envy you. But to catch you up, here is the trailer:
Kirk Cameron is here to teach us all the true meaning of Christmas, you guys! But unfortunately, he's doing it with what looks like a spectacularly horrible movie.
Reviewers across the country have slammed this movie, and its current critic score on Rotten Tomatoes is a dismal 8 percent fresh. For comparison, Showgirls, which features Elizabeth Berkley having the weirdest orgasm in film history, has a 19 percent rating. So…you kind of see what we're dealing with here.
For example, Bill Zwecker from The Chicago Sun-Times says this about Saving Christmas: "This may be one of the least artful holiday films ever made. Even devout born-again Christians will find this hard to stomach."
But there's still the audience Rotten Tomatoes score! That is given by regular folks who have seen the movie and want to review it for others. Kirk, obviously peeved by the atrocious feedback from film critics, tried to rally his fans via his Facebook page to flood Rotten Tomatoes and bolster the audience rating. He calls it "storming the gates of Rotten Tomatoes." We call it "desperation."
"All of you who love Saving Christmas - go rate it at Rotten Tomatoes right now and send the message to all the critics that WE decide what movies we want our families to see!" he wrote. "If 2,000 of you (out of almost 2 million on this page) take a minute to rate Saving Christmas, it will give the film a huge boost and more will see it as a result!"
According to Kirk, that plan worked? He says the score went as high as 94 percent, but that "haters" had already drove the rating back into the toilet by the time he posted yet another message on Facebook.
"You just drove the Rotten Tomato rating to an all-time, soaring high of 94%!" he claimed. "Now the haters and atheists are coming out of the woodwork, attempting to hammer your good work (they rallied to drop your rating super low). They are attempting, once again, to ruin Saving Christmas for everyone."
Unfortunately, Kirk didn't know that once you wage war with the Internet, the Internet fights back harder. And smarter. And in higher numbers.
Currently, the audience rating is at 36 percent, and these are what most of the reviews look like:
• "Too bad my lost brain cells couldn't be 'saved' after seeing this tripe." —Skeptic N
• "It is like Kirk took the negative film, went into a darkroom, moved his bowels on the un-exposed film, developed it, and this is the result. If you are with someone who insists on seeing this, question what you see in them and why you are with them." —C Felix R
• "Makes Tyler Perry look like an auteur. This is worse than AIDS. "—C.b. B
• "Kirk Cameron is fortunate that he'll always be remembered as Mike Seaver, and that is all. And he had a friend named Boner. This movie is a paranoid persecution complex bordering on insanity." —David J
• "If I can give this movie less stars I would. I went to see this movie and I have no idea what they were thinking…This movie is a like a bad Christmas family video that kept getting longer and longer and before you knew it people started dancing in front of a Christmas Tree." —Danny M
• "Worse than a flesh-eating virus." —Chris B
• "I became an atheist after seeing this movie." —Matt L
• "Watching this movie is more painful than childbirth ... and I'm talking breach birth." —Turandot P
• "An embarrassing, self-deluded child star continues his downwards spiral into insanity with this unwatchable abomination." —Nick P
• "Anything by Kirk Cameron can be considered as displaying all the Thespian skills of porn... without the porn." —Christopher B
• "Worst movie ever. Makes Manos: the Hands of Fate look like Citizen Kane." —Mike C
• "All we need now is Kirk explaining how candy canes are divinely designed, as they curve enticingly toward the mouth. This movie puts the "Christ" back in, "Christ, that was horrifying." —Prateek L
Ouch. May we suggest everyone go see the family-friendly (and totally awesome) Big Hero 6 this weekend?